


The Happiest Place On Earth

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Cancer, Car Accidents, Child Abuse, Closeted Character, Coma, Depression, Desperation, Drama, Drinking, Drugs, Dyslexic Dean, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Lots of Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Partying, Reunions, Romantic Angst, Sexual Abuse, Slurs, Tutoring, Unhealthy Relationships, Verbal Abuse, lots of pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 06:48:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 47,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5038021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel meets Dean in 2003 - a brash, young, and unconfident man in search of a tutor to help him pass his final classes before graduation in 2005. Their relationship develops fast and hard, but with Dean still in the closet, it can only end as tragically as it began. For ten years, Castiel has learned to live without Dean, but what happens when they happen to meet again in a bar? Can a chance meeting help them start where they left off or will they only be left with the ashes of once was?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't want to preface too much, but just know that this story is sad, it is meant to be sad, so if you're looking for a happy ending fluffy story: **this is not it**. 
> 
> Thanks to Katy for beta-ing for me as always and thank you to my artist Jen for working hard to get pieces done! 
> 
>    
> [Art Master Post](http://peanutbutterthenjelly.tumblr.com/post/131577308917)

The curtain came down slowly as the audience continued to grow louder on the other side. Castiel took in slow breaths, trying to calm his racing heart, while his troupe rushed in around him to do a group hug before heading backstage. Families and friends were waiting on them to head back for flowers, gifts, and further praise. 

 

Castiel, however, knew that no one waited on him to return to the main lobby, so instead of heading out front, he made his way back to the green room. The makeup alone would take a day and a half to wash off, but Castiel did his best to use the wipes provided to at least wipe what was on his face and neck for the production. 

 

It was his lifelong dream to make it _big_ in dance. 

 

It had not happened directly out of school, but he had been able to finally dance on a big stage in New York. It wasn’t Broadway, not yet.  He was determined to get there soon, and he would, if his manager had anything to say about it

 

“Cas?” came a familiar voice through the door. “You in there?” 

 

Castiel spun around and practically leapt across the room to open the door. “ _Gabriel_?!” he gasped as a huge smile lit up his face. “I thought you were in Tahiti!”

 

Gabriel laughed and yanked him into a tight embrace. “You think I’d miss my little brother’s big debut? _Hell no_ , son! Besides, _someone_ has to take you out for drinks or you’ll just go back to your lame apartment and drink wine with your cats.” 

 

“There is nothing wrong with that,” he spat back, but there was no fire in his voice. Gabriel was _here_ , with him, congratulating his success. It was more than he could ever say for Michael. 

 

“I _guess_ , but I figured a Big Shot like you would want to celebrate in _style_.” Gabriel waggled his eyebrows suggestively. 

 

“Style?” Castiel snorted and began to traipse back to his mirror to finish removing the stage makeup. “You drive a beat up beamer, I don’t think we’ll be going anywhere in style.” 

 

“We _would_ if you’d get over your fear of driving,” Gabriel replied in exasperation. He followed Castiel into the room and sank down on an empty chair. 

 

Castiel didn’t reply to that, since there was nothing more to say. It wasn’t his fault he feared driving and he didn’t owe anyone an explanation. Ever. 

 

“I’m sorry, that was… insensitive,” Gabriel managed to say with a blush. “But seriously, we should go out and get some drinks. I know a good bar nearby. Nothing trashy or flashy, just simple, clean, and good booze. What do you say?” 

 

Castiel dared to lift his eyes to meet Gabriel’s whiskey-colored ones in the mirror. “Alright,” he replied heavily. “We can go drinking.” 

 

“Yaaassss,” Gabriel hissed with a shake of happiness. 

 

While Gabriel began to delve into details on his trip to Tahiti, which involved too many women, Castiel changed out his costume and began to pull on his street clothes. He should have brought sweats, but he’d only brought jeans and a t-shirt, which had been an undersight on his own planning. 

 

“You ready?” Gabriel asked. “You guys aren’t meeting or whatever later, are you?” 

 

“Probably,” Castiel said with a shrug. “But if we are, I’m sure someone will text me later about it. I’d rather go celebrate with you, believe me.” 

 

Gabriel flashed a grin and a thumbs up. “That’s right, little bro, I’m _way_ cooler than your dancer friends.” 

 

“Castiel- oh. Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt,” came Anna Milton’s voice as she rounded the corner. She was in the troupe with him. “Are you leaving? We’re all going out, I didn’t know if you wanted to join us.” 

 

“Not tonight,” he said. “My brother’s in town, and it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other.” 

 

“Oh, sure. This him?” She turned her eyes to his brother who was already slicking back his hair and putting more swagger in his step. 

 

“Gabriel,” he said with a grin, outstretching his hand. “Nice to meet you…” 

 

“Anna.” She was polite enough to shake his hand, but Castiel had a feeling he’d have to tell his brother that Anna was a lesbian. “See you around, Cas.” 

 

“Bye, Anna.” Castiel waved and she bolted. “She’s gay, Gabe.” 

 

Gabriel groaned. “Damn it, _why_ do I always meet the lesbians?” 

 

“Because you try too hard. It’s God’s way of telling you to settle down.” Castiel grabbed his bag and coat, and then they were on their way out the back toward Gabriel’s car. 

 

“Ha!” Gabriel threw back his head and laughed dramatically before jabbing a finger to the sky. “Well, _not today_ , God! Not today.” 

 

“You’re going to Hell.” 

 

“Yeah, I know.” Gabriel skipped ahead of him toward his car, which he’d parked illegally behind the theater. It was a 1997 BMW with rusted paint and a sticky handled doors, but Gabe refused to get something new.

 

“Hello, Bertha,” Castiel greeted the car as Gabriel unlocked the driver’s door. “I see you’re still running.” 

 

“Yep.” Gabriel patted the hood of his car lovingly. “Such a good girl, she is.” 

 

“It’s a vehicle, Gabriel, not a person.” As soon as the words flew out of his mouth, Castiel immediately thought back to someone else he had used to know with a love affair with his old car. Of course, _his_ car had been sexier than Gabriel’s. And it hadn’t just been because the driver was attractive. 

 

“You shut your mouth,” Gabriel snapped back as he slid in, leaned over, and unlocked the opposite door. 

 

Castiel glanced back at the theater one more time before sliding into the car, stuffing his bag in the backseat. “So, where is this phenomenal bar?” 

 

“A little ways out, I admit,” Gabriel replied. “But it’s better to torture you with.” 

 

Castiel groaned. “ _Gabriel_.” 

 

Gabriel giggled maniacally as he started up his stereo. “I haven’t been able to torture you with my music in _months_ , almost a year, maybe it _has_ been a year… Hmm…” Gabriel stroked his fingers along his chin, despite not having a beard to speak of. 

 

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean you _have_ to play your god awful noise.” 

 

More maniacal laughter and then Castiel sighed and leaned against his door when the country twang of some musician came through the speaker. Gabriel eagerly began to sing along, in the worst singing voice he could muster, despite having a beautiful voice when he was being serious and not torturing his brother. As the music washed over him, Castiel stared out the window and thought back on being annoyed by another specific musical taste. 

 

Dean had only loved classic rock; Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Jimi Hendrix, and Metallica to name a few. It had never been a favorite of Castiel’s, but he’d grown to at least appreciate it for what it was. 

 

He shook his head and tried to refocus on Gabriel, which was better than thinking on Dean. 

 

It had been ten years since he’d last seen the ex love of his life. Ten long and difficult years, but it hadn’t been his fault that they’d called it quits. That had all been on Dean’s shoulders. Not that that ever made him feel better. 

 

“Hey, you okay?” Gabriel asked, even leaning forward to turn the music down. “You went away there for a moment.” 

 

“I’m fine,” he lied. “Don’t worry about it.” 

 

“ _Cas_ , you’re my little brother, I’m _always_ gonna worry.” 

 

“I said don’t worry about it!” Castiel snapped, trying to sound forceful. His voice had gotten loud enough to at least keep Gabriel quiet the rest of the way. 

 

They ended up at a bar that was not as close by as Gabriel had alluded to in the beginning, but Castiel supposed it was at least remote and out of the way. There were plenty of motorcycles parked out front and some old classics. The neon sign was flashing in the dark. The bar rested on a state route, but no cars came by, which made Castiel wonder how the place even got business. 

 

“It’s busier than I thought it’d be,” Gabriel said, which sounded somewhat like an apology. “Figured we’d have it more to ourselves. Oh well.” 

 

Castiel rolled his eyes, but followed his brother on inside, since he couldn’t exactly _walk_ back to his apartment. He hoped Noodles and Chevy didn’t grow too lonely while he was gone. 

 

“How many?” a pretty blonde girl asked as they walked in. She was holding a tray with drinks on her shoulder, but also seemed to be the one seating guests too. 

 

“Two,” Gabriel said. 

 

“Okay, take a seat where you can find one at this point. I’ll send someone for you in a bit.” 

 

“Uh, thanks.” Gabriel shrugged and they went off to find a seat, eventually procuring one near the bar. “At least the table’s up high. A waitress will see us… But seriously, it’s _never_ this busy in here. I wonder what’s going on.” 

 

Castiel shrugged as he slid up onto the tall stool. “I don’t know. What’s this place called?” 

 

“The Roadhouse,” came a reply from a woman who appeared at their table with a pad of paper. “I’m Ellen, I own this place.” 

 

“We’ve met,” Gabriel replied with a grin. 

 

“Oh, yes, I remember you.” She sighed and looked at Castiel then. “He your boyfriend?” 

  
Castiel sputtered. “Brother!” 

 

“Oh… Well, tell your brother to keep his scrawny ass off of the damn tabletops. And no more karaoke!” 

 

Castiel turned his gaze on Gabriel to signify that he was done with his brother’s shit. “Gabe.” 

 

A blush bloomed across Gabriel’s cheeks and he shrugged. “What can I say, they got good alcohol here. Speaking of, we’ll take two beers to start with. The best you got.” 

 

Ellen nodded. “Sure thing. IDs, boys.” 

 

“Aw, c’mon Elle, you know I’m old,” Gabriel said as he pulled out his wallet anyway. Castiel did the same as she checked. 

 

“Have to.” She shrugged helplessly. “You know what you want to eat yet?” 

 

“Nah, it’s Cassie’s first time, so-.” He cut off with a wince as Castiel kicked him in the shin. “ _Ow_.” 

 

Ellen raised her eyebrows at them and sighed heavily, as if she were tired of them both already. “I’ll give you a few minutes.” 

 

“Thanks, Ellen,” Gabriel replied as he reached down to rub his shin. When she walked away, he narrowed his eyes at Cas. “Damn, Cas, you gotta practically put your toes through my bones?” 

 

“Don’t _call_ me that in front of people, Gabriel. I _hate_ that name and you know it.” Castiel bristled and hid behind a menu. 

 

Gabriel sighed and then hopped off of his stool. “I’ll be right back. By the time I get back, I hope you unbunch those panties you got in a twist, little bro.” 

 

Feathers officially ruffled, Castiel put the menu down to pout in disdain. They were supposed to be celebrating, not _fighting_ , but here they were. He huffed and folded his arms over the table to wait on his beer. Maybe he’d just get extremely drunk and pass out in Gabriel’s car tonight. Not that he _had_ a reason to become shitfaced. 

 

“Hey, you tried and that’s all that matters!” 

 

Castiel frowned as a familiar voice tickled his ears. For a moment, he couldn’t bring himself to turn on the stool to look, but eventually curiosity got the best of him. Almost painfully slow, Castiel attempted to recreate the Exorcist and turn his head all the way around, but gave up in favor of twisting his entire body. 

 

He gasped. 

 

At the pool table, bent over and making the perfect shot, stood someone he hadn’t seen in ten years. 

 

Dean looked _good_.

 

 He looked older, of course, but age had been kind to him. He was broad, where he’d used to be lanky, and his clothes fit him better. His hair was a little mussed and his jaw bore a thicker stubble than Castiel remembered, but he still had the same bright, calculating green eyes, and freckles still dappled his cheeks. If memory served him right, Castiel knew the freckles were just about everywhere. 

 

“You’re cheating!” came an angry protest, but Dean just grinned his shit-eating grin. 

 

“It’s not cheating,” Dean said as he took a drink of his whiskey - it was always whiskey. “I ain’t a fuckin’ cheater, you’re just a sore loser.” 

 

“Dick.” 

 

Dean rolled his eyes and stood back to wait for his partner to take their own shot, but even Castiel could tell Dean had them beat already. Dean was a pool shark; he could hustle the best of the best. That was how he’d used to make extra, fast cash. Even though a few times, it had landed him in the emergency room to be patched up after being jumped. 

 

Castiel shut his eyes and tried to banish the memories away, but seeing Dean again was like a punch to the gut. 

 

“Whatcha starin’ at?” Gabriel asked, making him jump and spin back around. 

 

“Nothing,” he said quickly. 

 

Gabriel peered around him to see and then looked guilty. “Aw, fuck, you wanna leave? We can leave-.” 

 

“No,” Castiel said firmly. “I have a right to be here and so does he… We both do.” 

 

“Cas…” 

 

“I’m _fine_ , Gabriel.” At least, Gabriel could be sensitive about _some_ things, if not everything. 

 

“How long’s it been since you saw him last?” Gabriel whispered, looking sympathetic. 

 

Castiel sighed and stared at the table forlornly. “Ten years.” 

 

Gabriel whistled. “Damn… Maybe.. maybe you should say hi?”

 

“I’m the last person he’d want to see, Gabriel,” Castiel replied coldly. “Besides, he’s probably married anyway.” 

 

Gabriel snorted out a bitter laugh. “Dean Winchester? Married? Yeah right, he wouldn’t even marry you- I-.” He cut off. “Cas, I-. I’m sorry.” 

 

Castiel went to say something back, but Ellen was finally returning with their beers. He was quick to pick his up and drink a few gulps. She raised her eyebrows, but didn’t say anything about it. 

 

“You boys ready to order?” 

 

“Yes,” Gabriel said slowly, but Castiel nodded to affirm it. “Uh, I want a burger and…” 

 

Castiel tuned out on Gabriel’s order as he heard Dean’s laugh. He turned around quickly and watched as Dean’s whole body went into the laugh; he threw his head back and leaned backward, which made a small smile of his own twitch across his lips. Making Dean laugh like that was always a serious victory. He deserved to laugh like that often. 

 

“Cas?” Gabriel said. 

 

“Oh, sorry- I just want a cheeseburger and fries, please. Everything on it.” A blush bloomed across his cheeks as he realized he’d been caught staring and smiling at Dean like a schoolboy. 

 

“Sure thing.” Ellen walked away then and Gabriel reached over to tap his arm, since he was, once again, trying to turn and watch Dean. 

 

“Cas, you wanna switch seats or something?” 

 

“No- No…” He took a deep breath, two more gulps of his beer, and then he stood up. “I’ll be back.” 

 

“Okay?” Gabriel tilted his head to the side in confusion, but Castiel ignored him in favor of walking over to invade Dean’s pool game. 

 

He had no idea what possessed him to reach forward and snatch up the white ball as if he owned it, but he knew it would bring Dean’s attention right to him. 

 

“Hey, what the fu-.” Dean cut off when he saw him. 

 

“Hello, Dean,” he muttered, still holding the ball. “It’s been a long time.” 

 

xxx

 

Randy was shit at playing pool. 

 

He was kicking the bastard’s ass so horrendously, Dean _almost_ felt bad for winning. He went to take the last and winning shot, but then the ball was just picked up by some other asshole. “Hey, what the fu-,” he started to say until his eyes rose up to look into an expanse of blue. 

 

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said, holding the ball gingerly. “It’s been a long time.” 

 

Dean felt his jaw go slack and he just stood there, completely blown away. Cas was… Cas was _there_. He was right there in front of him, holding the fucking ball he needed to win the game, but that didn’t even matter anymore. 

 

“Cas?” he said, still unsure it really was Castiel Novak - his ex lover from years ago. 

 

Castiel nodded. “It’s good to see you.” 

 

“Wow, holy fuck-... I…” Dean began to rub the back of his neck, unsure of what else to say. What _did_ one say to someone they hadn’t seen in ten years? Especially if that person was someone that one used to know carnally? 

 

Castiel gulped and slowly set the ball back down, even in the exact same position it had been in before. “Do you come here often?” 

 

He wanted to laugh, since it was such a silly thing to ask. It also sounded like a cheesy as hell pickup line, probably one he’d used before on Cas more than once as a joke. 

 

“I do, actually,” Dean said with a slow nod. “I do.” 

 

“Oh…” Castiel glanced at the guys who were standing around, clearly unsure of what to do. “I apologize for interrupting, I will go back to my seat now-.” 

 

“Cas, wait-.” Dean practically jumped forward to grab Castiel’s wrist. “Don’t go. Please.” 

 

Ten years later and he still ached for Castiel’s hands on his chest and face. He wanted to press their bodies together beneath sweaty sheets and kiss until they couldn’t see straight. God, he’d missed Castiel Novak more than he’d ever realized. 

 

“I’m only here to celebrate…” Castiel said slowly.

 

“Celebrate what?” Dean asked, feeling a panic in his chest. Was Cas getting married? Was he taken by someone?

 

“Um, I had a successful production at this major theater in the city and-.” 

 

“ _Really_?” Dean’s face lit up as he heard about _that_. Cas had always wanted to dance on Broadway. It had been a lifelong dream of his. “Cas, that’s amazing.” 

 

“Thank you… It wasn’t Broadway, yet, but I’m getting there.” Castiel blushed and looked around shyly. “I really am sorry for interrupting your game.”

 

“It’s whatever.” Dean handed his stick to someone random. “I forfeit.” 

 

“Dean-.” 

 

“Have a drink with me, Castiel.” 

 

Cas took a deep breath. “Alright.” 

 

xxx

 

_January 2003_

 

Castiel clutched the red SOLO cup in both hands as tightly as he could without crushing it. The party thrived and hummed around him, with bodies packed in so tight together, he was starting to worry about the possible fire code violation. If anyone shouted _FIRE_ someone was definitely going to be trampled. 

 

Probably him. 

 

“Cas!” Ruby rushed up to him and threw her arms around his body, which only caused him to spill his drink. Luckily, he’d opened his arms just in time, so it only ended up on the floor and his shoes, versus on him and her dress. 

 

“Ruby,” he said, patting her back awkwardly. He was not one for affection that wasn’t asked for. 

 

“Sorry, I forgot,” she said as she stepped back with a huge smile. “Look, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

 

“Who?” 

 

“He’s _totally_ hot.” Ruby winked and took his hand, pulling him off into the elbow to elbow packed room. The further they moved into the mess, the hotter the room became, and Castiel was starting to hate having put on a cardigan over his shirt. 

 

“Ruby, you’re twisting my arm,” he tried to protest, but eventually they broke through the packed wall of people, and came to stand at the back of the house. Sitting in a chair by a large bay window was the most beautiful man Cas had ever seen. 

 

A red plaid shirt covered a gray tee that was stretched across his broad chest tightly and his legs were sprawled out and open, as if he were inviting people into kneel in front of him and go to town. Pink, full lips made Castiel want to kiss him and his eyes were large, green, and sharp with clear intelligence. 

 

“Dean,” Ruby said as she pulled Castiel in close so they could hear each other over the music. “This is Castiel. I told you about him? The dancer?” 

 

Castiel waved a little, feeling awkward that Ruby had told this stranger about him, but he knew _nothing_ about Dean. Other than the obvious: he was hot. 

 

“Hey,” Dean said with a curt nod. “Have a seat.” 

 

Castiel looked at Ruby in confusion, but then she was guiding him to a chair. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t know what she said about me to you.” 

 

“Said you were smart,” Dean replied with a shrug. “That true?” 

 

“I suppose. Why?” Castiel felt his hopes shatter. Dean was probably looking for a tutor in something and not wanting to know about him because he happened to have a _crush_ on Castiel. 

 

“I desperately need some help in one of my classes. I got - um- I got dyslexia and I’m doing real bad in my lit class…” Dean glanced down at the floor in shame. “She kept talking about you, being a tutor in the writing center, and if I don’t pass this class, I won’t graduate on time.” 

 

“So, you need a tutor?” Castiel asked. 

 

Dean nodded. “Yeah.” 

 

“Which class and who’s your professor?” 

 

“Uh-.” Dean reached into his pocket to pull out a piece of paper he’d folded up. Probably his schedule. “The class is one of the lit ones. It’s like Lit II or something and then the prof is…” He trailed off as he scanned the paper and then squinted for a moment. 

 

Castiel waited patiently. If Dean had dyslexia, it would probably take him a moment to figure out the letters and words. 

 

“Prof is Crowley. Hate that British fucker.” Dean glared at the piece of paper and then put it back into his pocket. “Can you help me out, Novak?” 

 

Castiel nodded a little. “I guess I can do that.” 

 

A relieved smile crossed Dean’s face. “Awesome. Have a drink with me?” 

 

“Um, sure.” 

 

Dean’s grin widened and he stood up to go find them drinks. 

 

xxx

 

 

“So, how you been?” Dean asked him as soon as they sat down at a table to have a drink. 

 

Castiel only then realized he’d technically left his drink and Gabriel at their previous table, but he supposed Gabe would understand. “I’m alright, I guess.” 

 

“You guess?” Dean asked. “What’s that mean?” 

 

“It means what I said, Dean.” Castiel tried not to sound bitter or angry, but their last parting had not been the best. “ I mean, I’m doing well for myself. I’m making good money from traveling and dancing and teaching dance, but I can’t keep it up forever.” 

 

“Well, you been doin’ it your whole life practically,” Dean said, as if he were trying to defend him. “You _deserve_ a break.” 

 

“Not until I dance on Broadway,” Castiel replied stubbornly. “Once my name is up there, then I can retire.” 

 

Dean chuckled. “You got it. I know you do. You’re so talented, Cas.” A proud and happy smile filled Dean’s face, just like old times. It was almost painful to see it in person again. 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

A silence fell over them, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It was something familiar and welcome. A silence they were used to, even though it had been ten years. 

 

“Dean, do you think we could maybe have dinner sometime?” Castiel dared to ask. “Maybe talk again? Hang out?” 

 

Dean smiled slightly. “You askin’ me out on a date, Novak?” 

 

He smirked and nodded. “Yes.” 

 

“What are you doing on Saturday?” 

 

Castiel’s smile returned. “Nothing… yet.” 

 

A devious wink flitted across Dean’s face playfully. “So, how about we go to dinner?” 

 

“Sounds perfect.” 

 

There was an exchange of numbers, but then Castiel found himself going back to Gabriel to apologize profusely. “I didn’t meant to abandon you, I swear,” he finally concluded. 

 

Gabriel shrugged. “Well, I figured you two needed to talk it out.” 

 

“We’re going to dinner on Saturday,” Castiel admitted with a deep blush. 

 

Immediately Gabriel frowned and looked very serious. He remembered where Cas had been ten years ago when they’d broken up. “That a good idea?” 

 

“I think so,” Castiel said slowly. “I mean, it won’t hurt to try, right? He’s a good friend.” 

 

“You can’t just be friends with him.” Gabriel looked so stern and brother-like, it was almost like having Michael there instead. It was unusual. 

 

“I can,” Castiel snapped angrily. “Get off my case, Gabriel.” 

 

“I just don’t want you to get hurt-.” 

 

“I _said_ get off my case.” He stood up and began to walk out, even though he had nowhere to go. His eyes eventually fell on a familiar black car, one he hadn’t seen when coming in. 

 

Dean’s Chevy Impala sat at the end of the row in the front, looking shiny and beautiful as ever, even in the dark. Castiel walked up to it slowly as his mind raced over the many times he’d spent in the car. Front seat, back seat, on the hood - he’d had many different experiences in that car. 

 

Baby, Dean called her. 

 

Dean loved his car and more than once he’d made a joke that Dean was probably fucking her on the side. He’d never gotten a confirmation about that. 

 

“You wanna go somewhere?” Dean asked, which made him startle and spin around. 

 

“No… I just walked out here for some air and saw her.” Castiel glanced back down at Baby and placed his hand against her hood for a moment. “Still looks the same.” 

 

Dean nodded, his hands slowly going into his pockets as if he were nervous. “Yeah, I take good care of her.” 

 

 

Of course Dean took good care of his car; she was his whole life. He’d lived in her for more than a year while trying to finish school once. When Castiel had found out, he’d asked Dean to move in with him. He remembered _that_ quite well. 

 

“Remember when I invited you to stay with me?” Castiel whispered with a sad smile. “I didn’t want you to live out of her anymore, so I asked you to move in.” 

 

“I remember,” Dean said. “I also remember that you neglected to tell me that your apartment was cramped and had a cat, which made me sneeze twenty-four-seven.” 

 

Castiel laughed a bit. “Well, that hasn’t changed much, I admit. I still live in a small apartment, but now I have two cats, instead of one.” 

 

“Noodles still kicking?” 

 

“Yes. He’s still around.” Slowly and wondering if he needed permission first, Castiel eased himself to sit on Baby’s hood, staring at Dean beneath the stars and neon sign. In this light, he looked older, more haggard than he’d had under the bar’s lights. Dark circles made his eyes look sunken in and Castiel wondered if the nightmares still plagued Dean’s sleep. 

 

“That’s good.” Dean approached him just as slowly, finally going to sit on the hood beside him. 

 

They sat side by side tentatively, like nervous lovers on their first date. There was enough space for them to not be pressed together, but Castiel felt a deep longing to lean against Dean’s arm like old times. He was an familiarity, something that he’d almost forgotten but couldn’t quite do so. Dean was similar to riding a bike, he supposed. No matter how long he went without doing it, Castiel knew as soon as he hopped back on, he’d understand how all of the pieces and parts worked. 

 

“Dean,” Castiel whispered. 

 

“Yeah, Cas?” 

 

“I’ve missed you.” 

 

“Miss you, too. Trust me.” 

 

They’d agreed to dinner, but he didn’t know if it would go well. Maybe it would only go as good as he wanted it to go. _Did_ he want to try again with Dean? Had Dean finally grown up? Could they even make an old relationship work? 

 

“Do you live nearby?” Castiel asked. 

 

“Yeah,” Dean replied. “Why?” 

 

He looked over at him, very serious. “Because I want to see if I still know how to get you off.” 

 

xxx

 

_January 2003_

 

“I fuckin’ _hate_ this,” Dean complained as he glared at the computer screen. Writing papers was _not_ his forte and even though Castiel Novak was smart and a great tutor, he had a feeling he’d _never_ be able to write an A paper for Crowley’s class. 

 

The screen made his eyes hurt and all of the letters jumbled together after a while. 

 

He also kept misspelling Bronte as Bronet. _That_ wasn’t helping anyone. 

 

Castiel peered over his shoulder, which Dean wasn’t a fan of, but he supposed the guy needed to see what he was writing. “It’s Bronte-.” 

 

“I _know_ ,” Dean groaned, angrily shutting his laptop entirely and pressing his forehead to the desk. His first year of college had been rough, but he’d managed to get through it by using the Help Center. One of the men there had been his tutor and had helped him with _so_ much, and he’d done pretty well all things considered. 

 

But then Cain had left, without warning, and Dean had been heartbroken. 

 

“Dean, you have to finish the paper,” Castiel said gently. 

 

“I don’t want to,” he muttered, but he did slowly sit up and sigh. “Wish Cain would come back.”

 

“Cain?” Castiel asked as he sat back in his seat again. 

 

Dean slowly turned to face him and nodded. “Yeah, he worked in the school Help Center and was real good with helping me do my homework and read the things I needed to… I did good my freshman year, but then he _left_. I went to see him this year after my first class, to see how his summer had been and to set up times to schedule appointments, but he was gone.” 

 

Castiel’s eyes narrowed and he tilted his head to the side. “Cain Apidae? Older man? Beard, long hair?” 

 

“Yeah. Him.” Dean nodded. “I miss him… The people that work there now are fuckin’ rude and I don’t like any of ‘em.” 

 

“Why did he leave?” 

 

“I dunno.” He shrugged and looked down, feeling helpless. 

 

“Well, I’m here now… and I may not be an expert in dyslexia, but I’ve been reading about it,” Castiel said quickly, as if that made it easier. “Did Cain ever reward you for doing things? I mean, to give you incentive?” 

 

“Yeah,” Dean muttered as he thought back on the time they’d spent together. “It was a good motivator. I need that kinda shit. People think it’s just me being lazy but… I _need_ something to struggle through reading and writing.”

 

“ _Well_ ,” Castiel began slowly, “what kind of reward do you want?” 

 

He couldn’t help but grin slyly and waggle his eyebrows. Castiel Novak had lips that were _made_ for blowjobs. They were full and pink and his mouth had the prettiest shape. Dean shook his head to himself as he banished the thoughts away quickly. 

 

He wasn’t gay. 

 

He _wasn’t_ gay. 

 

“Dean?”

 

“Sorry- uh- I dunno. I like food.” He shrugged slightly. “Pie’s my favorite.” 

 

“Okay, so, if you work on your paper now, don’t pressure yourself, just work on it for…” Castiel glanced at the clock. “Thirty minutes, we can take a snack break.” 

 

“Really?” 

 

“Really, really.” 

 

Dean grinned and opened his laptop again. “Cool.” 

 

Castiel had his own iBook on his lap, which he opened to probably start his own homework. They’d been in Dean’s dorm most of the day, slaving away while the snow came down hard and fast outside. 

 

Having a guy in his room that _wasn’t_ his roommate was still odd, since he knew for a fact, that his father would never approve. Dean stared at the screen and tried to focus on writing, but he could only stumble over his words as he thought back to the first time he’d ever considered men more than just friends. He’d found a Sports Illustrated magazine on the magazine racks when he was sixteen and it hadn’t exactly been the swimsuit edition. 

 

He’d bought it and brought it back to his bedroom and sat on his bed, staring at the pictures of the shirtless and sweaty men. His cock had grown so hard, he’d been alarmed and tossed the magazine in the trash. 

 

When he’d first considered that he could possibly be _gay_ , Dean had rushed out and found an easy girl and slept with her. In fact, he did that every time he had a moment of gay panic. He wasn’t fucking gay; he liked women and he liked sleeping with women. Women turned him on and he jerked it to straight porn. Just like any normal guy. 

 

“Dean. You aren’t writing,” Castiel commented, which yanked him out of the weird thoughts. 

 

Dean felt his face turn red and hot, and he began to type again. “Sorry,” he muttered angrily. 

 

Why did Castiel Novak get under his skin so much? He didn’t even _know_ the guy; the only thing he knew was that Cas Novak had blue eyes that looked like a piece of sky and his mouth was definitely made for sucking cock. 

 

For thirty long and painful minutes, Dean typed out his paper, and then Castiel called time. He could have fallen out of his chair, he was so relieved. 

 

“How much more do you have left?” Castiel asked, leaning over his shoulder again. 

 

“I only got two pages done,” he muttered in shame. “I got three more to write.” 

 

“It’ll be okay,” Castiel said, sounding encouraging. “Two pages is _good_ , Dean. That’s really good.” 

 

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I guess.” 

 

“C’mon, let’s go get something to eat at the cafeteria.” 

 

That made him smile and brighten up. Saving the document, Dean shut his laptop and then they left the dorm behind to walk toward the Student Center together. They didn’t say much, in fact they didn’t say anything, but it was also snowing so hard that they could barely see the sidewalk anyway. More than once, Dean found himself snatching onto Castiel’s tan trench coat to keep from falling flat on his ass. 

 

They slipped and slid the whole way until _finally_ they reached the front doors and Dean pried one open so they could enter the warmth. They were both practically moaning in pleasure when they stood inside the front lobby, knocking snow from their sneakers and boots. 

 

“ _Fuck_ it’s cold,” Dean hissed as he blew on his fingers. He didn’t own a pair of gloves and his sneakers were soaked from being so wet. He’d probably never regain the feeling in his toes. 

 

“Don’t you have gloves?” Castiel asked as he removed his own. 

 

“Nah,” he replied with a shrug, yanking the bandana from his head, which acted like a hat in the winter. The coat was the warmest thing he had on, but it was starting to wear out, since it had been his dad’s for years before John had given it to him. 

 

“Why not?” Castiel frowned and his eyes squinted in suspicion. It was almost cute, rather than intimidating. 

 

“Don’t got the money,” he said. 

 

“You don’t have money for _gloves_?” 

 

He shot Castiel a dark glare. “ _Yeah_ , I don’t.” 

 

His family lived in poverty and the only reason he’d even made it to college at all was due to that fact. The school had seen him, living in poverty and squalor, and after a long ass essay, he’d won a contest and received a full ride. He’d even detailed about his dyslexia, which he supposed had helped him in the long run, even if it were a pain in the ass. 

 

“Oh,” Castiel managed to say, as his already flushed cheeks grew darker in color. “Sorry- That was rude. Do you want mine?” 

 

“I ain’t a charity case, Novak.” Stuffing the bandana in his pocket, Dean stomped off toward the stairs that would lead them up to the cafeteria. 

 

“But I have an extra pair,” Castiel called as he chased after him, even pulling out said extras. “Look. You can have them. It’s senseless to go without gloves in this weather. It’s _freezing_.” 

 

Dean slowly took the gloves, feeling his face grow hot. “You really want me to have these?” 

 

“Yes,” Castiel said with a firm nod. “I do.” 

 

The gloves weren’t fancy or heavy material; they were just the really cheap ones he used to steal from the dollar store, but they were still gloves. They were better than nothing. Fighting a lump forming in his throat, Dean stuffed the gloves into the opposite pocket he’d put the bandana in, and then they were walking up the steps again. 

 

“Can I ask what your major is?” Castiel asked then, which was not the question he’d expected. 

 

“Me?” Dean looked back at him. 

 

“No, not you, the guy standing in front of you,” Castiel replied dryly. “ _Yes_ , you.” 

 

He stuck out his tongue and they swiped their cards before heading toward a table to take off their coats and hang them over chairs. “English,” he said with a helpless shrug. “Creative writing, actually.” 

 

Castiel blinked in complete surprise. Dean could see that he had not expected that answer. Most people didn’t. “Your major is creative writing?” 

 

“Yep,” he said with a deep breath. “It’s hard, but… I do actually like to write.” He shrugged a little. 

 

“Oh.” 

 

“What about you?” They began to walk toward the line together, their shoulders brushing now and again. He had a few inches on Castiel, but they were still close in height. 

 

“I’m a dance major,” Castiel replied with a smile. 

 

“ _Dance_?” he laughed, unable to stop himself. “Sorry-...” 

 

“It’s okay.” Castiel shrugged.”Most people laugh when I tell them or roll their eyes or call me a faggot.” 

 

Dean bristled at the word. He _hated_ that word, but he used it often with his friends. They liked to call everyone _gay_ or _fags_. It was just a part of their culture. “Is it a lot of work?” Dean picked up a plate and began to serve himself.

 

“Well, let’s see,” Castiel began as he followed in Dean’s footsteps. “I practice every day for three hours if not longer. I’ve danced on broken ankles and feet in the past-.” 

 

“ _What_?” Dean looked at Cas as if he were insane, which quite frankly, was probably true. “Is that even _legal_?” 

 

“Sometimes, we hurt ourselves onstage, and if we can keep going, we do.” Castiel looked him in the eye. “It’s normal.” 

 

“That’s fuckin’ nuts, man.” He shook his head and helped himself with a wide smile to the pie sitting and waiting to be eaten. 

 

“That’s just how dancers are.” Castiel grabbed a slice of cake. 

 

“ _Cake_?” Dean gasped and rolled his eyes dramatically. “Man, Novak, I dunno if we can be friends anymore.” 

 

“Haha.” 

 

He laughed and then they were walking back toward the table together. They’d only sat down for a few minutes, before Dean saw one of the guys he liked to hang out with, bolting over. 

 

“Hey, Vic, what’s up?” Dean asked with a smile. 

 

“Dean,” Victor replied darkly, as if he’d done something wrong. _Had_ he done something wrong? “Talk to you for a moment?” 

 

“Uh, sure.” He shrugged and excused himself, slowly going to stand by the salad bar. “What’s up?” 

 

“Why you sitting with Novak?” Victor looked over at Castiel as if the guy had some type of venereal disease. 

 

“Because he’s helping me with my papers?” Dean said slowly, feeling unsure. “What’s wrong with him?” 

 

“He’s a _gay_ ,” Victor hissed as if that were a crime. “Super fucking gay. I saw him with a guy a few weeks ago, on his knees… you know… suckin it.” 

 

Dean felt his ears burn and he gulped, wanting to not be aroused at the idea of Castiel sucking _him_ off. “So?” he tried to say. “I can sit with him. It’s not like I’m gonna _catch_ the gay.” 

 

“You want people thinkin’ you’re a fag too?” 

 

He rolled his eyes and tried not to be angry. “Look, Vic, I’m only having lunch with him because he’s my tutor. I told you, Cain left and I need someone new. How was I supposed to know he was gay?” 

 

Victor shook his head. “I wouldn’t hang out with him too much, Dean. Guys’ll start talking and then people are gonna just assume shit about you.” 

 

“Whatever.” He didn’t want to say anything else, so he stomped back over to Cas and took his seat back. 

 

“Everything alright?” Castiel asked calmly. 

 

Dean trailed his eyes over Cas and wondered if something should have given him away, but Cas didn’t even _look_ gay. He wasn’t clean shaven, his hair was a fucking mess, and he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, just like Dean. 

 

“Yeah,” he managed to say quietly. “The guys just worried about me hangin’ out around you.” 

 

“Why?” Castiel laughed. “Do they think I have cooties?” 

 

“Somethin’ like that.” 

 

Castiel frowned and the squinty eyes returned. “What?” 

 

“You gay?” 

 

That resulted in Castiel sighing. “They’re worried that you’re going to turn gay by hanging out with me?” 

 

“I guess. I dunno. They think people will talk about us.” Dean picked at the piece of pie on his plate, suddenly not hungry. “Maybe we shouldn’t be hanging out-.” 

 

“ _Wow_ ,” Castiel snapped coldly. “Okay, _fine_. I was just trying to help, but if you don’t want my help, _just_ because I’m a big faggot, then _fine_.” He stood up abruptly and stormed off toward the stairs. 

 

Dean cursed and jumped up to follow him, realizing quickly that Cas had left his scarf and ID. Snatching them both up, along with his own stuff, Dean quickly followed Cas back downstairs. 

 

“Cas! Wait!” Dean tried to run down the stairs, but they were slippery, and soon his sneaker slid and he began to fall. He cried out as he fell onto his ass and slipped the rest of the way down the steps. Tears filled his eyes as pain practically exploded in his tailbone. 

 

Castiel stopped then, turning around and coming back. “Dean- Are you alright?” 

 

He shook his head, his teeth gritted together firmly. “No,” he managed to gasp. 

 

Castiel held out his hand. “Here.” 

 

Dean looked up at him sheepishly and accepted the hand. Pain shot through his legs and lower back, and they only managed to make it to set of couches, which not comfortable at all. There were tears on his face from the pain, but he couldn’t help it. 

 

“You want me to get a nurse?” Castiel asked, his hands twisting the gloves he held. 

 

“No,” he said, taking a few deep breaths. “I just- wanted to… apologize.” He flinched when Cas sat beside him, making the couch shift. 

 

“For?” 

 

He laughed a bit and ran a hand over his face. “For judging you like that. It wasn’t cool of me. I don’t care if you’re gay or what people say.” 

 

“Well, I _suppose_ I can forgive you,” Castiel said with a small smile as he took the scarf and ID from Dean’s hands. “Thank you.” 

 

“For what?” 

 

“Grabbing my stuff.” 

 

“Well,” Dean said as he attempted to stand up, which was painful, but manageable. “Figured you’d need it.”

 

“I take it the tutoring session is over, in favor of you resting?” Castiel asked, his hand going to Dean’s lower back to keep him steady. 

 

“Yeah, that’d be nice.” 

 

“Want me to walk you back?” 

 

He nodded weakly. “Please.” 

 

Castiel nodded too and then they were walking very slowly back to the dorms. 

 

xxx

 

Dean was staring at him as if he’d lost his mind. “I’m serious,” he said. 

 

“Wow,” Dean replied with a weak laugh. “Uh- man, you just jump right to it, don’t ya?” 

 

“Unless that makes you uncomfortable,” Castiel replied with a shrug. “I want to see if I can get you off still.” 

 

Dean took a deep breath and Castiel couldn’t tell if he were hot and bothered or just bothered. “Cas… I dunno… I thought we were just gonna hang out? Talk? Get to know each other again.” 

 

“Nevermind, Dean.” Castiel shook his head and began to walk away. 

 

“Cas-.” 

 

“Are you still in the closet?” he asked, turning to face him, realizing he was annoyed with Dean. _Mad_ at Dean, even. “After ten years? Still in the closet?” 

 

“That’s not what I said-.” 

 

“But you are, aren’t you?” He threw up his hands in defeat. “ _Jesus_ , Dean! Your father’s _dead_. He’s been dead for years and he cannot rise from the grave and beat your ass for being a fag!” 

 

Dean’s fists began to clench and his face turned red. From anger or embarrassment, Cas couldn’t tell. “Shut the fuck up.” 

 

“ _Are you_?” 

 

“It’s not your business, Cas!” 

 

“I bet you even have a girlfriend, don’t you? To cover it all up.” The words were leaving his mouth faster than he could really filter them, but maybe he’d just been so damn angry for ten years. It was time to let it out. 

 

“I said _shut the fuck up_ , Cas.” Dean stormed up to him and shoved him hard in the chest. Castiel fell back a few steps. “It’s not your fuckin’ business.” 

 

Castiel shook his head. “I should’ve realized you’d never be ready to admit you like to suck dick.” 

 

He went to turn and walk off, feeling disappointed and _mad_ , but Dean grabbed his shoulder and wheeled him around. Pain smacked him right between the eyes and Castiel fell back against another car. Blood began to pour out of his nose as he realized Dean had punched him in the face. 

 

“How many _fucking_ times do I have to tell you to shut the fuck up?” Dean snarled. 

 

Castiel didn’t say anything else. His legs shook, but he managed to stand up and collect his emotions and feelings. He didn’t feel the need to hit Dean back. “Good bye, Dean.” 

 

Dean stared at him with a dark glare, but after a moment it faded completely. “Cas-.” 

 

“I should have known better,” he whispered. “I should have known better than to hope you were different.” 

 

Dean opened his mouth to say something, but Castiel didn’t give him the chance. He turned around and began to walk back toward Gabriel’s car, just in time to see his brother come outside. 

 

“Cas?!” Gabe said, reaching to lift his chin. “Fuck- who…?” 

 

“Forget it,” he replied, heading back toward Gabriel’s car. “I want to go home.” 

 

It hurt not to look back as they drove away, but Castiel stared stoically out his window and didn’t dare glance at Dean as they left. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Sam was chewing too loudly through his fucking lettuce. 

 

Dean slowly glanced up from his coffee, which was doing _nothing_ to cure his hangover, two seconds away from launching across the table. 

 

“Don’t bitch at me,” Sam said, without even glancing up from the paper he was reading, “because you got shitfaced last night.” 

 

“You chew too loud,” he replied gruffly. 

 

“You’re insane.” 

 

Dean grunted and took a few more sips of coffee. It was bitter and almost cold, but he needed the caffeine to give him a jolt. After Cas had left with his brother, he’d gone right back into that bar, and gotten himself so drunk that Ellen had called Sam to come pick him up. In fact, the Impala was still at The Roadhouse. 

 

“I wanna go get my car,” Dean grumbled angrily. 

 

“In a minute,” Sam said. 

 

Dean mocked Sam for a moment, but then jerked when a cold nose shoved against his arm, trying to get him to start petting. He sighed and reached down to pet the golden retriever on the head. “Morning, Scout.” 

 

Scout licked his hand and then walked over to go help himself to his breakfast. 

 

“Who the fuck eats salad for breakfast?” Dean finally asked, glaring at his brother. 

 

“It’s not breakfast,” Sam replied. “It’s almost two in the afternoon.”

 

“Oh.” He glanced down at his watch and saw that Sam was right. He’d slept a lot later than it felt. Sure as hell didn’t _feel_ like he’d slept all night and most of the afternoon away. 

 

“You ever gonna talk about it or am I going to have to pry?” Sam set his paper down and adjusted the glasses perched on his nose. “Remember, you’re stuck in my car while we drive to pick up yours.” 

 

Of course Sam would want to know _why_ he’d gotten blackout drunk. It was his job, being the nosy little brother, but that didn’t mean Dean was comfortable with answering. Especially not this time. 

 

“Dean-.” 

 

“I saw Cas last night,” he finally spat. His voice came across cold and bitter, and he wasn’t sure if felt as bitter as he sounded. “It was good at first and then bad.” 

 

“What do you mean?” Sam asked. 

 

“He asked me to dinner or coffee or something… I said yes, because I’m a sucker and I wanted to talk to him again. I thought we were just gonna hang out.” Dean shrugged and finished the awful coffee. “But then I found him out by my car and he asked if I lived nearby… He wanted to come back with me to have sex.” 

 

“Well, you obviously said no.” Sam nodded a little. “Impressive.” 

 

He glared at Sam, ready to throw the mug at him. “I said _no_ because I didn’t think yes was a good idea… He started asking me if I was in the closet still… I didn’t know what to say-.” 

 

“You say yes,” Sam prompted. 

 

Dean felt his lips go into a thin line and his eyes dropped down to the coffee mug. There were some grounds along the bottom, making an abstract pattern. Could psychics read coffee grounds in place of tea leaves? 

 

“I didn’t say much,” Dean admitted quietly. “I got mad and I punched him in the nose.” 

 

Sam snorted loudly and shook his head. “And then he left, I hope.” 

 

“ _Yeah_ , Sam, he left. I fucked up. Again.” Slamming a hand on the table, Dean threw his chair back and stood up. “Hurry up, I want to get my damn car.” 

 

“I’m ready.” Sam stood up to demonstrate he was finished. “We can go.” 

 

“Good.” Dean glanced down at his outfit and finally realized he was still in what he’d worn last night. Sighing, he began to walk outside, patting his jacket to make sure the keys were there, and climbed into Sam’s too modern car.

 

Watching Sam get into the car was always horribly amusing. It was like watching a giant squeeze into a clown car, but he always managed somehow. 

 

“Stop laughing at me,” Sam said as soon as he slid inside, even though Dean hadn’t made a peep. 

 

“I _didn’t_.” 

 

“You were. On the inside.” 

 

“ _Ugh_. Sensitive princess over here.” Rolling his eyes, Dean glared out the window as they drove off toward The Roadhouse. 

 

Immediately, Dean began to think about Cas. They hadn’t always been lovers; they’d started out as friends. Technically, Cas had been his tutor and he’d been the _awful_ student. It hadn’t been Cas’ fault he was stupid as hell, but Cas had kept him from academic probation. 

 

In fact, Cas had kept him out of a lot of trouble throughout the years. 

 

Dean sighed, shut his eyes, and tried to banish the thoughts away. But it was just never that easy. 

 

xxx

 

_February 2003_

 

“Duck!” 

 

Castiel startled and tried to duck before a snowball slammed right into his face, but he couldn’t make it in time. Instead of missing, the ball of ice and snow drove right in between his eyes and along the bridge of his nose. It hurt a lot more than he’d first expected. 

 

“Oh, _shit_!” Dean said as he rushed over to him. “Fuck, you okay, Cas?” 

 

“Ow,” Cas replied as he rubbed his nose. “Did you really have to aim for my face? I realize your last test wasn’t ideal, but-.” 

 

“I wasn’t even aiming for _you_ , I’m sorry…” Dean rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. He was still wearing the gloves Castiel had given him. 

 

“Oh,” Cas said lamely. “Well, I guess I can forgive you then.” 

 

“I’m _real_ sorry.” Dean smiled a little and bent down to pick up some things Castiel had dropped. “Here.” 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

Dean’s smile widened and he puffed out his chest as if he were proud. “Off to class?” 

 

“No, I was trying to go to the library to do some studying.” 

 

“ _Studying_.” Dean snorted and shook his head. “Lame.” 

 

“It is _not_ lame.” Castiel glared. “I have to get good grades, too.” 

 

“I was _joking_. Man, you're sensitive as hell, ain’tcha?” 

 

_That_ made him blush, but there wasn’t else he could say. Most of the time, he could never tell when Dean was joking anyway. It wasn’t always so easy to tell. “Bye, Dean.” 

 

“Hey, wait.” Dean grabbed his elbow to stop him from leaving. “Blow off studying for a bit and let’s go get something to eat.” 

 

“Dean, I can’t just blow off studying-.” 

 

“ _Please_?” Dean batted his overly long eyelashes at him. Green eyes danced playfully and the cold made the freckles along his face stand out even more. “We can walk uptown and grab a bite.” 

 

“From where?” 

 

“I dunno. What’s your favorite place?” 

 

Castiel paused to think for a moment. He didn’t go into town very often, even though it was really close. There wasn’t much uptown, but there were some good places. The ice cream parlour was his favorite, but it was closed during the winter season. His second favorite place that was open all year long was one of the small coffee shops; it was a combination of coffee shop and bookstore. 

 

“Tattered Cover,” he said with a smile. The name was the best part. 

 

“The bookstore?” Dean asked. 

 

He nodded. “You can get coffee and other food there.” 

 

“Oh, ugh, okay. Sure.” Dean shrugged. “It’s pretty cold, so coffee sounds great.” 

 

He smiled wide and then he and Dean were walking across campus and off toward the small busy part of the town they lived in. It wasn’t snowing too hard or overly windy, but the air was definitely cold. It made Castiel’s nose go numb and he just _knew_ it was red. Like Rudolph. 

 

“I can’t wait for it stop fuckin’ snowing,” Dean complained, as if he’d heard Castiel’s inner thoughts. “Sick of this winter shit.” 

 

“Are you one of those who wants to fly to Florida for the winter, Dean?” he asked. 

 

“Nah, I don’t like Florida, but I wouldn’t mind going out to California. Never been there.” 

 

“Have you been to Florida?” Castiel looked over at him, wondering how Dean ever stayed warm in his threadbare clothing. He needed a new winter coat and definitely a hat. 

 

“Once. Won’t ever go back.” 

 

“Why’s that?” 

 

“It’s just a state full of tourists and old white people. It’s not a fun place to be.” 

  
“But Disney!” 

 

“Disneyland is in California, dumbass. I can go there instead.” 

 

“Disney _land_ is not as fun as Disney _World_.” 

 

“Well, I ain’t got money to go there, are you nuts?” Dean snorted and shook his head as they began to cross streets to reach the bookstore. “I’d have to rob a fucking bank to get there.” 

 

“Well, maybe next time my family goes, I can take you with us.” Castiel looked over and smiled. “If you want to go, that is.” 

 

Dean looked over at him in surprise, even stopping dead on the sidewalk, even though they were only a few feet away from their destination. “Why would you do that?” 

 

“Dean, it’s _cold_ , let’s go inside,” Castiel chattered back, ready to reach warmth. 

 

“Not until you answer the question, Cas.” 

 

Castiel groaned and shrugged, feeling helpless and stupid. “Because I want you to experience Disney, that’s why. Everyone deserves to go once in their lives. It’s the happiest place on Earth!” 

 

“But we’ve barely been friends a month and you wanna invite me on a vacation with you and your family…” Dean’s brows pulled together and his mouth flipped itself over, looking perturbed, but he didn’t make anymore comments. “You’re fuckin’ weird, Novak.” 

 

“Yeah, whatever, let’s _go inside_.” Castiel grabbed onto Dean’s wrist and pulled him into the door, practically moaning when he felt the warmth of the store and the smell of the coffee enveloped him at once. 

 

There was a dark roast going and Castiel was eager to walk up to the counter to order a large coffee with plenty of flavored cream. Dean hung back, but Castiel didn’t notice at first, until he realized he’d ordered his coffee and a sandwich, and Dean was still standing by the front door. 

 

Turning, Castiel tilted his head at Dean. “What’s wrong? Aren’t you hungry?” 

  
Dean’s face was red, which could have easily been from the cold, but Castiel had a feeling he was blushing from the way he held himself. He seemed unsure and afraid, like he was ready to bolt. “Uh-...” 

 

Castiel stepped closer to Dean, so they could talk low. “I thought you wanted to eat?”

 

“I don’t got a lotta money,” Dean admitted with an embarrassed laugh. “Thought I had more, but I don’t… I’m sorry, Cas, I”ll just go-.”

 

“What? No! My treat, okay?” He gave Dean an encouraging smile. “Okay?” 

 

“I… I don’t know, I already owe ya more than I can repay you lately…” Dean’s face was turning redder and he kept looking down and back at the door, clearly uncomfortable and wanting to flee. 

 

“I really don’t mind.” Castiel stood still and spoke in low tones. It was reminiscent to the time he had coaxed a baby cat out from under his car before driving it to a shelter to be taken care of. The little kitten had been so afraid but with crouching low and using soft tones, he’d managed to do it. This was very similar. 

 

“I…” Dean trailed off and then startled when the door opened and he had no choice but to walk forward before he was slammed into by new guests. “Alright, I guess.” 

 

Castiel’s face split into a happy smile. “Order what you want.” 

 

Looking unsure, Dean made his way up to the counter to order some coffee. He looked as if he were only going to order the coffee, until he ended up spotting the slices of pie for sale. Castiel almost laughed when he practically drooled and eagerly ordered a slice of pecan. 

 

“Pecan’s my favorite,” Dean admitted as he took the plate and fork eagerly. 

 

“I got the coffees,” Castiel said, “if you can grab my sandwich.” 

 

“Sure.” 

 

Plates and mugs in hand, they wandered along until they found some comfortable looking chairs and a table to camp out at to eat and enjoy the books afterward. For a moment, neither of them spoke, the only noise between them being soft happy moans from Dean as he consumed his pie. Castiel’s face turned red as he thought on Dean making those same noises under a different context. 

 

“You _really_ like pie, don’t you?” he asked after wiping his mouth with a napkin. 

 

“Huh? Oh- yeah.” Dean’s ears turned pink and he set the empty plate down. “It’s my favorite, like I said… and pecan is the ultimate favorite. Love it.” 

 

“I can tell.” 

 

Dean cast a sheepish grin. “Sorry.” 

 

He shrugged a little. “That’s how I feel about good coffee, if I’m honest. I’m a coffee addict. I _need_ it, especially in the morning.” 

 

“Not a morning person?” 

 

“ _Hell_ no.” 

 

Dean laughed and leaned forward on the table to be closer to him. “So, no 8 AMs for you, huh?” 

 

“Not if I can help it.” Castiel finished the last bites of his sandwich and eagerly returned to his coffee. “Mmm. Good.” 

 

“Better than studying?” Dean asked, sounding hopeful. 

 

Castiel raised his eyes to study Dean’s face and saw he looked so relaxed. There was a smile on his face and his eyes were so alert and fully focused on _him_. He looked eager and needing of Cas’ approval, which was an interesting look on him. 

 

“Yes, Dean,” he admitted with a solemn nod. “Better than studying.” 

 

“ _Awesome_.” 

 

He glanced over at the books. “You want to browse?” 

 

“Sure.” 

 

They both stood up and began to peruse the stacks of books together. Eventually, they ended up on opposite sides of the bookcases and when Castiel pulled a book free, Dean peered at him from the side and stuck his tongue out playfully. Castiel laughed and stuck the book back, but then they began to chase each other by pulling books free and making faces. Soon, they were both giggling messes and finally ended up running into each other at the back of the store, breathless and smiling. 

 

Castiel realized they were pressed together, directly in the back corner by the technology books. Dean stared down at him, seeming to be transfixed on his face, and Castiel knew he must have the same look on _his_ face. It was easy to become lost in Dean, he was just so beautiful. Like a real masterpiece. 

 

Maybe it was stupid, but it couldn’t be stopped either. Castiel raised up slightly on his toes and pressed his dry lips against Dean’s soft mouth. If he were honest with himself, Castiel would admit he’d honestly expected Dean to kiss him back. They’d been staring at each other like a romantic movie trope, _surely_ he was feeling the tension too. 

 

But nothing happened. 

 

Castiel kissed him and nothing happened. 

 

Eventually, he pulled back and quickly put space between them. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, trying not to look Dean in the eye. “I shouldn’t have done that- I’ll go.” 

 

Dean didn’t say anything, so Castiel assumed it would be for the best if he left. Spinning around on his heel and almost running into a shelf, he bolted through the shelves and out the front door. The snow had picked up and the wind was howling, but Castiel walked through the storm with tears soon freezing to his cheeks. 

 

 

 

xxx

 

“Hey.”

 

Dean jerked awake as Sam hit him in the chest. “Shit- what?” When had he fallen asleep? He didn’t even remember shutting his eyes, let alone falling asleep. 

 

“We’re here.” Sam nodded his head toward Dean’s window and he relaized they were parked next to Baby. 

 

“Oh…” Stretching, Dean went to open the door of Sam’s car, but it was locked. “Sam, let me out.”

 

“I think you should go talk to him, Dean,” Sam said then, which made him blink in surprise. 

 

“ _What_?” he said. 

 

“I think you should talk to Cas.” 

 

“Sam, you don’t even _like_ , Cas.” 

 

“I do like Cas,” Sam insisted. “I like Cas and I think he deserves better than you.” 

 

Oh, _that_ was very comforting. Dean turned his face to glare out the windshield. Sam was _right_ , of course, Cas did deserve better than him. It was just hard to hear in person. 

 

“Or, I should say, I think Cas deserves the more comfortable you. The one who knows who he is and what he is and not the old you.” Sam shrugged. “Just a suggestion, Dean.” 

 

Dean felt his lips go into a thin line and then the doors were unlocked and he practically threw himself out of Sam’s car to go sit in his own. His hands wrapped around Baby’s steering wheel for comfort and she immediately grounded him. She put him back in his own reality and helped him feel better. 

 

Maybe Sam was right and maybe he should go talk to Cas. If nothing else, he should fucking apologize for punching Cas in the face. Of course, apologies had never been his strong suit. 

 

But that didn’t mean he’d at least try. 

 

xxx

 

There was a cat meowing directly into his ear. 

 

Castiel groaned and tried to shove Noodles off of his chest, but the cat was refusing to move, and considering he weighed close to sixteen pounds, it was going to take more than a half assed attempt. 

 

“Noodles, _go away_ ,” Castiel growled, trying to move him, but Noodles had planted himself directly on his chest and was _not_ moving. “Trying to kill me?” 

 

“Mrow.” 

 

He sighed. “Okay, I’m getting up, but I can’t if your furry butt doesn’t get _off_.” 

 

Those must have been the magic words, because Noodles walked off of him and jumped off the bed to go wait by his bedroom door. _Clearly_ , someone was hungry. 

 

“Fucking spoiled brat,” Castiel grumbled as he stood up and began to stumble his way to the kitchen. The other brat - _cat_ \- was also waiting by his bowl, but at least Chevy was being patient. If not loud. 

 

Chevy, unlike some other deaf cats he’d known in his life, had not become mute over the years. Instead, he meowed loudly and more often than Noodles did, since he had no idea how loud he was actually being. Castiel remembered a time when his neighbors had reported them because Chevy was so loud all of the time. Luckily, his landlord had understood because he _too_ had a deaf pet, and hadn’t done anything about it. 

 

The couple had moved out a few months later. 

 

“I hear you,” he said to Chevy, knowing full well he couldn’t hear him. 

 

Chevy purred and pressed his head against his legs while he grabbed the measuring cup for the food. Noodles was on a diet and Chevy had a special blend to keep him healthy and growing. Noodles was _also_ fed in a different room or he would eat Chevy’s breakfast. 

 

“Okay, boys, play nice,” he said firmly as he set Chevy’s food down and corralled Noodles to his own room to eat. Chevy had learned to eat fast, which was a habit Castiel was hoping to break with feeding them separately. 

 

Noodles just glared while he finally set his small amount of food down. He looked at the bowl and then up at him with an angry squeaked accusation. Castiel only shrugged. 

 

“Hey, it’s not my fault the vet said you needed to diet.”

 

Castiel scratches Noodles’ ears and then stepped outside, shutting the door behind him. As soon as the cats were fed, immediately Cas’ thoughts went from cats to Dean. The bastard was just permanently locked into his brain now that he’d seen how _hot_ Dean had become in ten years. He was better with age and it was annoying. 

 

They couldn’t be together. 

 

Not while Dean was still in the closet and hiding who he was meant to be. 

 

He wouldn’t do that to himself, not again; he would not be Dean’s dirty secret. No matter how much it hurt not to be with Dean, he wouldn’t do it again. 

 

There was a knock on the door. 

 

Frowning, Castiel turned and went to answer it, wondering who was bothering him so early in the morning. It wasn’t even eight. 

 

“Hey, Cas.” 

 

Castiel blinked in surprise. “Hello, Dean.” 

 

Dean stood on the other side looking sheepish and embarrassed. “I, uh, looked you up…” 

 

“And you found my address?” Castiel asked, sounding alarmed. How _had_ Dean found him? 

 

“Not many Castiel Novak’s around, ya know?” Dean shrugged a little and rubbed the back of his neck, which was his trademark move when he was ashamed or unsure of himself. “I just couldn’t get you off my mind and I wanted to apologize for last night.” 

 

Castiel frowned and slowly stepped aside to let him inside. “Oh.” 

 

Dean glanced up at him and then back to the floor as he shuffled into the apartment, wiping his boots on the welcome mat first. Chevy eagerly bounded over and began to make as much noise as possible, which was his usual greeting. A little smile flitted over Dean’s face when he saw the little white cat. 

 

“Who’s this?” he asked as Chevy rubbed along his legs happily.

 

“Chevy,” Castiel admitted with folded arms over his chest. 

 

“Chevy?” Dean grinned and knelt down to pet Chevy’s whole back, which made Chevy shut up and purr happily. “Wow, listen to that. Like a little-.” 

 

“Chevy,” Castiel repeated with a fond smile. “Super loud, just like your car.” 

 

Dean chuckled. “Well, I approve.” 

 

Castiel watched Dean interact with his cat and felt a wave of pain hit him. This was supposed to be normal for them; Dean was supposed to come back home after a night of work and pet the cats that they had adopted together. That life had been meant for them, but Dean had refused to step into the light with him. So now they were just strangers, trying to act like friends. 

 

“You came to apologize,” he said stiffly. 

 

Dean straightened and nodded, clasping his hands in front of him. “Yeah, I did.” 

 

“So…?” 

 

“Cas, I’m sorry… I’m sorry for hittin’ you and I’m sorry for yelling.” Dean took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know you want me to be different, you want… You want us to live our lives together.” 

 

“I want you to admit you loved me,” Castiel replied angrily. “I want you to admit that you’re into men, Dean.” 

 

“I’m not gay,” Dean insisted, which made him throw up his hands in the air and walk away. “Cas, _wait_ -.” 

 

“Jesus Christ, Dean, you’re a broken fucking record. I swear to God, you’d insist you ‘weren’t gay’ if your dick was down my throat.” Castiel stormed off to his kitchen and picked up Chevy’s bowl to put high up where Noodles couldn’t get to it. 

 

It was difficult hearing Dean still insistent on not being gay, even though they had history to suggest otherwise. How many times had he given Dean head? How many times had Dean fucked him bent over the couch and table and bathroom counter? For not being gay, Dean had a strong love for his dick. 

 

“Cas, _listen_ ,” Dean insisted, following him into the kitchen. “I’m not gay, but I am bisexual.” 

 

There it was; the words he’d more or less wanted to hear for ten fucking years. Now that they were out in the world, Castiel didn’t know what to say. He just stared at the counter where he’d gone to stand. It was like being hit with a ton of bricks. He couldn’t breathe for a moment. 

 

“Cas?” 

 

Finally, Castiel took a breath and slowly turned around. “You’re what?” 

 

“Bisexual,” Dean repeated, his voice stronger and more sure of himself. “I like men and I like women.” 

 

“Really?” Castiel asked, honestly surprised. At the same time that he felt surprised, it wasn’t all that surprising. It was just weird to hear Dean admit. 

 

“Yeah, really.” Dean nodded and shrugged a bit. “Look, it’s not _easy_ for me to say that out loud, alright? That I also like men… My Dad fucked me up, Cas. My whole life he made me feel like shit - always calling gays pussies and sissies and other shit.” 

 

“I know he did, Dean,” he whispered. 

 

“But, I wanna be better for _you_. I wanna admit it, because my dad’s dead, you’re right. He can’t do anything to me now.” Dean visibly gulped and looked panicked for a moment. Sometimes, Castiel wondered if Dean believed his father would rise from his grave to beat him if he were ever true to his own feelings. “I still want to go to dinner with you.” 

 

“In public?” Castiel couldn’t help but ask. 

 

“Yeah. In public. Together.” Dean nodded, reaching forward to take Castiel’s hand and kiss his knuckles. “Cas, I miss you. I miss you so _damn_ much.” 

 

He gasped when Dean began to kiss his fingers and palm. Feeling Dean’s lips on his body was so _good_. It was right. He’d been the one to get away, but this time, Castiel was going to cling as hard as he could. 

 

“Dean,” he whispered. 

 

“Yeah, Cas?” 

 

“I love you.” 

 

The words left his mouth without really meaning to. He hadn’t meant to say the dreaded _I love you_ , but the was there, right _there_ , and he couldn’t help himself. It was true, too. He still loved Dean, even ten years later, after his heart being broken. He loved Dean. He loved Dean more than anything or anyone else in his life. 

 

Dean’s eyes were watery and he nodded, but didn’t say anything back. Disappointment filled Castiel’s chest, but it was stupid to expect anything more. The only words Dean was ever good with were on paper. 

 

“When do you wanna go to dinner?” Dean asked after some silence had passed, still holding his hand. 

 

“I thought we agreed to Saturday,” Castiel pointed out quietly. 

 

“What about tonight?” Dean looked at him so desperately, like he was dying to do this. “Please?” 

 

“Tonight,” he replied with a slight nod. “Okay.” 

 

“Six?” 

 

“Sounds good.” 

 

“Okay.” Visibly Dean relaxed and slowly let go of his hand. Castiel ached to press his hand right back into Dean’s, but he held back. “I’ll get outta your hair then.” 

 

Every part of his body wanted to beg Dean to stay, to not walk out that door, and to just move in. They could pick up where they’d left off ten years ago, like ten years hadn’t passed. But he knew that that would never work. 

 

“I’ll see you tonight, Cas,” Dean said with his boyish smile. 

 

Castiel smiled back, but it was forced. He hated that they were saying goodbye again. “I’ll see you tonight,” he repeated Dean’s words, wanting to believe them. “Goodbye, Dean.” 

 

“See ya later.” Dean winked and then he was leaving. 

 

As soon as the door shut behind him, Castiel gasped and felt his knees give out. He fell to the floor and Chevy began to walk over timidly, clearly alarmed. Tears were filling his eyes and he slowly laid on the floor and began to sob.

 

 It wasn’t fair that their lives had been so rudely interrupted. He had wanted to marry Dean, start a _life_ with Dean. He would have given up his entire dance career to be with him, but that had never happened. They had never moved to California to the house with the avocado tree in the backyard. They’d gone their separate ways and ten years of their lives had been passed without one another. 

 

It was too much. 

 

Chevy came to sit by him and Castiel pulled the little cat in close to hold. The cat purred to comfort him and eventually, Castiel’s tears and sobs faded, and then he could faintly hear Noodles meowing and pawing at the door to be let out. He tried to collect himself first, before finally standing up, still holding Chevy, and going to open Noodles’ door. The bigger cat squeaked at him angrily but then saw that Cas was in distress. He, too, began to purr and rub along his legs. 

 

Why was it that his cats knew how to make him happy and Dean was still floundering awkwardly without a clue? 

 

xxx

 

_February 2003_

 

Seeing Cas on campus was now awkward as hell. 

 

He didn’t _want_ it to be, but every time he saw Cas, it was just weird. They did their best to avoid each other, which was not helping his grades in the slightest. He’d really relied on Cas to help him get better grades, and for a while, it had worked and he was doing alright. 

 

But now things were weird. 

 

Cas had kissed him in the bookstore, and if Dean were very _honest_ with himself, he’d admit that he had liked the kiss. A lot. But he was never honest with himself, so he would never admit to enjoying it. 

 

Even so, Dean longed to see if Cas wanted to go get coffee again. Even if they just went up to the cafeteria to eat lunch together, that would have been satisfactory in Dean’s eyes. Anything was better than the awkward they currently were experiencing. 

 

“Hey, loser,” came Victor’s voice as he walked up and nudged him in the ribs. “Where you going with books?” There was a laugh in Victor’s voice, as if he couldn’t believe Dean was _studying_. 

 

“Library,” he replied with a shrug. “Gotta study for my next test.” 

 

“ _You_? Studying? You _hate_ studying,” Victor replied. 

 

“I know.” Dean didn’t want to say anything else, he just walked ahead of his friend, and into the library. There was a large part of him that wanted to go upstairs and see Cain in his office. Cain would have helped him study and he would probably be doing great on the test. 

 

Out of habit, Dean found himself walking up the stairs and off toward the door that used to belong to Cain. He sighed and pressed his forehead to the oak door, wishing his tutor would come _back_. He’d been a good guide and Dean had learned _so_ much, even if his teaching style had been slightly different. It had worked. 

 

“Dean?” came Castiel’s voice, making him spin around and blush. 

 

“Fuck- Cas. Hey.” 

 

“What are you doing?” Castiel’s eyes squinted and he frowned, clearly lost and confused. 

 

“Uh, nothing,” Dean lied quickly. “Why?” 

 

“Just… wondering.” Castiel was holding his own books in his arms. “What are you doing here?” 

 

“I gotta study,” he replied gruffly. “Can’t fail this next test.” 

 

“Do you want help?” 

 

His heart slammed into his chest a few times. Did Cas mean that? Was he going to help him? “Really?” he asked, not wanting to sound overly eager. “I mean, that’d be great, thanks.” 

 

Castiel nodded and then they walked off to find a private corner to start going over Dean’s study materials and notes. None of his notes _ever_ made sense to someone without dyslexia. He was all over the place, but it was how he had to study. Cain had taught him how to take notes, but now that he was gone, it was hard to stick to Cain’s rules. 

 

“Was that Cain’s old office?” Castiel asked after they were settled in. 

 

Dean blushed and nodded. “Yeah, it used to be. Dunno what it is now.” 

 

Castiel’s face grimaced in sympathy. “You know, I looked into why he left…” 

 

“You did?” Dean’s eyes darted up to look at Cas in shock. “Did you find out why?” 

 

“He was asked to leave,” Castiel replied quietly. “He was accused of having a relationship with a _student_.”

 

Dean recoiled like Cas had slapped him. “What do you mean?” 

 

“A sexual relationship.” Castiel began to blush as if he were the one they were talking about. “They didn’t want to make a huge deal out of it, so they just asked him to leave, which was basically them firing him.” 

 

Dean snorted. “That's _ridiculous_.” He didn’t want to believe it. Cain would have never had sexual relations with a _student_. That was just insane. “I don’t believe that, at all.” 

 

Castiel shrugged. “I read that he had a really unconventional way for… rewarding students.”

 

That made Dean looked up at Cas. “Wait- you don’t think _we_ had a thing, do you?” 

 

“Dean, it’s not your fault if he did that to you-.” 

 

He clenched his hands into fists, ready to punch Cas right in his nose. “Cain didn’t- he didn’t.” He couldn’t even find the right words. They just came out awkwardly. 

 

“Did he touch you?” 

 

“Jesus, who are you, my therapist?” Dean angrily glared at his notes. “Can we just study, please?” 

 

“Dean-.” 

 

The table jerked when Dean slammed both of his fists on it. “Shut up, Cas.” 

 

Castiel went quiet and quietly glanced down at Dean’s notes. “Sorry.” 

 

Clearly, they were never going to get over the awkward if Cas didn’t stop being _weird_. Cain’s reward system had not been orthodox, by any means, but he’d never abused Dean. He had learned a lot with Cain and he’d _trusted_ the man, which was more than he could say for anyone else. 

 

“Because if he did touch you and tell you it was okay, it _wasn’t_ ,” Castiel said quickly. 

 

Dean glared and Cas flinched. “Why do you think it was me, huh?” 

 

“I don’t know, I mean, he didn’t have a lot of students in his care…” Castiel shrugged a bit. “I mean, I did some serious digging, Dean… He only took in students who had learning or reading disabilities, and then took advantage of them. That’s predatory behavior- if he touched you sexually, as a “reward” then that’s _not_ okay.” 

 

He rolled his eyes, but didn’t say anything about it. It wasn’t _really_ anyone’s business, least of all Cas’. “I said shut up,” he snapped, wanting to end the conversation. 

 

“Dean-.” 

 

“Cas, _shut up._ I just want to study so I can do well on my test, Jesus Christ Almighty.” 

 

Castiel sighed and Dean pulled out one of his books to crack open. 

 

xxx

 

They ended up going to a small diner, which felt like neutral ground. It supposedly had good burgers and fries, which would make them _both_ happy. Castiel arrived first, since it was his way to always be early, but when Dean rolled up he didn’t miss it. Not with Dean’s loud engine rumbling on up to a parking space. 

 

When Dean sauntered in, Castiel’s eyes roamed over him hungrily, like he wanted to eat Dean for dinner. He always looked good, even in his usual plaid, leather, and denim. It was the Dean Winchester™ signature look. 

 

“Hey, Cas,” Dean greeted like always with a casual smile as he slid into the opposite side of the booth. “You look good.” 

 

He glanced down at his own outfit of choice, which was probably overdressed. He’d put on dark wash slim jeans, a button down shirt, and a sweater vest. “Thank you.” 

 

Snatching up the menu, Dean flipped it open and began to look over it, even though they both knew he would order a bacon cheeseburger and fries by default. 

 

“Man, lots of good stuff in here.” Dean grinned and winked, which made Cas wriggle a little. He’d never known how to really wink; he always ended up blinking both eyes on accident. 

 

“I’m glad we’re doing this,” Castiel said, his hands clasped on the table. He was nervous and he _hated_ that Dean seemed completely calm and collected. “It’s just nice that-.” 

 

“Cas,” Dean said, setting his menu down then. “You don’t gotta try and sweet talk me or do some weird small talk. Let’s just talk, it’s not like we haven’t done this before.” 

 

That was very true. They’d gone on dates before, but they’d never been allowed to be _real_ dates. Always dates in disguise as something else. But this one was a real date and he was nervous. What if he said the wrong thing? Took it too far? Asked too many questions? There were too many ways it could go wrong. 

 

“Okay,” Castiel said slowly, “catch me up on your life.” 

 

Dean snorted and looked down. “What life?” he asked, sounding serious. 

 

“I’m sure you’ve done something in ten years.” 

 

He shrugged and looked relieved when the waitress came to take their orders. However, when she was gone, the question still hung in the air, and Dean had no choice but to answer it. 

 

“Wrote some books,” he said with a shrug. 

 

“You have?” Castiel asked. “I haven’t seen them out-.” 

 

“I didn’t publish ‘em under Winchester. I got a pen name.” 

 

“ _Oh_. Which ones? I want to read them.” Castiel smiled, honestly wanting to read Dean’s creations. He’d always been a talented writer. 

 

“Carver Edlund,” Dean said quietly. 

 

Castiel blinked in surprise. “Wait, really?” 

 

Dean nodded. 

 

The Edlund series had been one of his favorites; he’d written about lovers, male lovers, throughout most of the series. It had been tragic and good in the best ways. 

 

“ _You’re_ Carver Edlund?” Castiel asked, completely blown away. “The mysterious guy who never signs anything or does press releases?” 

 

“Yeah,” Dean laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. “That's me.” 

 

“Dean that’s _amazing_. People _love_ your books.” He smiled hugely; Dean had done something with his life. Something truly wonderful. Cas had never felt so proud. 

 

“I know,” Dean replied. “It’s weird, people reading ‘em and liking ‘em.” 

 

“Why did you use a pen name?” It felt strange for Dean not wanting to take credit for his work. He was _so_ good; he should have wanted the world to see him. 

 

“I dunno. At first it was because I was too embarrassed to put my name to a gay novel, but after a while, I just stuck with it.” Dean glanced up when the food arrived and he smiled at the waitress to thank her. 

 

“But you ended the series on a cliffhanger. I wanted to know what was going to happen-.” 

 

“It’s not going to ever get finished.” Dean shrugged. 

 

“Why not?” Castiel demanded, unable to stop himself. “Dean, it should be finished!” 

 

Dean laughed, but there was no humor or happiness there. “Because, Cas, I’m dying.” 

 

Castiel dropped his fork. It clattered loudly along the table and people turned to stare, but he didn’t care. He just stared at Dean like he’d lost his mind. 

 

“Aw, c’mon, don’t make that face,” Dean said abashedly. “It ain't a big deal-.” 

 

“it’s not… _Dean_.” Castiel felt tears sting his eyes then and he was starting to cry. “What do you _mean_ not a big deal? Dean-.” 

 

“Hey, hey.” Dean pushed his plate aside and reached over to wipe the tears from Cas’ cheeks. “Cas, don’t cry.” 

 

“What’s _wrong_ with you? How, what-.” 

 

“I got cancer,” Dean replied quietly, still wiping tears from Cas’ cheeks. “Leukemia.” 

 

“ _Jesus_ …” Castiel pulled from Dean’s hands to cover his face, unable to stop crying now. “ _No_. You’re not allowed to have cancer-.” 

 

Dean’s eyes were also shiny with unshed tears and his smile was watery, like he was ready to join him in the waterworks. “Life’s a bitch, huh? Finally get some success and then God says, ‘okay, that’s enough, outta the pool’.” 

 

“Why didn’t you say something?”

 

Dean shrugged a little. “Doc says I only gotta couple months, and I didn’t really wanna scare you.” 

 

Castiel stared at him in horror. Dean was not allowed to _die_. “A couple of months?” he whispered. 

 

“That’s what they say.” 

 

“Are you getting chemo… I…” 

 

“Cas,” Dean said, cutting him off. “I don’t want that shit, it won’t do anything ‘cept make me sicker. There’s no changing it, now. I’m just letting it run its course.” 

 

“But, it could _help_!” Castiel insisted, probably too loudly. “Dean, you can’t just _give up_.” 

 

“I wanna live my life to the fullest before I go, alright? I don’t want to be stuck in a hospital for the last few months… and do me a favor, alright? Don’t tell Sam. He doesn’t know. I can’t tell him… He’d insist I get treatment and I don’t want it.” 

 

Castiel stared. He felt as if his life had turned into a movie; a very cruel and dramatic movie. He’d finally gotten to see his ex again, the man he _loved_ , and they were getting a second chance… but how long would that chance even _last_? 

 

Two months?

 

One?

 

Not even a month? 

 

Dean was living on borrowed time and Castiel didn’t know what else to do. He felt helpless; completely fucking helpless. The tears wouldn’t stop. 

 

“Cas, don’t cry,” Dean whispered, looking stricken that he’d caused so much pain. “Please? It’s okay… I’m accepting my fate.” 

 

“Can’t you get a… a bone marrow transplant? That’s how they do it, right?” 

 

“I don’t know-... I just don’t wanna live in a damn hospital the last few months.” Dean tried to smile, but Cas could see it was forced. “Okay?” 

 

“ _I’ll_ give you the transplant,” Castiel insisted desperately. “Or Sam would. Please, Dean.” 

 

“I got acute leukemia, Cas. It’s going fast and hard… and it ain’t gonna stop.” Dean rolled up his sleeves to show some bruises on his arms. “See, what it does? Makes me look like a fucking heroin addict.” 

 

“But I would give you one,” he insisted brokenly. “I would do that for you.” 

 

“It’d only work if our marrows matched, Cas, and that’s usually found in families… and I ain’t got a lot of family. Just me and Sammy, now… and if Sam ain’t a match?” Dean shook his head. “It’d break his damn heart.” 

 

Castiel began to hiccup as he cried, which was embarrassing, but he couldn’t help it. They probably shouldn’t have done this part of the conversation in public. “I want to be tested to see if I’m a match for you. Please, Dean.” 

 

Dean smiled a bit. “I appreciate that Cas, but I’d still have to get radiation treatment, and I _really_ don’t want that.” 

 

He covered his face and tried to calm down. He couldn’t think when he was an emotional wreck. “Dean, it’s not fair,” he whispered. “I get you back and then I’m going to lose you in a few months? That’s… that’s not _fair_.” 

 

“Yeah,” came the quiet agreement, “I know… That’s… the only thing making me wanna change my mind.” 

 

Castiel jerked his head up. “What?” 

 

“I mean- ya know… getting treatment… I never thought I’d see you again, so what the fuck was the point of it? Ya know? I mean… I know there’s Sam, I _know_.” Dean blushed and looked down. “But, Sam’s got his own life, and I didn’t wanna be a burden on him… and I had no one else left, but being here with you? I don’t wanna give this up.” 

 

“Dean, you should do it for Sam, he’s your brother and he loves you!” Castiel felt as if _he_ were what would possibly sway Dean’s mind, and that didn’t seem right or just. If Dean wanted to live, he should have wanted to live for himself first, Sam second, and _maybe_ him third. But he was certain there were other reasons than him. 

 

“I know he does,” Dean replied quietly. “I’m too scared to tell him, Cas. I’m afraid he’ll force me into treatment and won’t hear what I have to say about it. He’d do anything to not lose me.” 

 

“So would I.” 

 

There. He’d said it. 

 

The words he’d been thinking the entire time. 

 

The words he needed Dean to hear. 

 

He’d fight for Dean even if Dean wouldn’t fight for himself. Even if Dean thought he was beyond saving, Castiel would help him see that he wasn’t. Dean was worth everything. 

 

A private smile slid onto Dean’s face. It was quiet and small, but he saw it. It was there. “I know you would,” Dean whispered. “What if I told you that I’d consider it?”

 

“You don’t have _long_ to consider it, Dean. It’s either yes or no. This type of thing can’t _wait_.” He reached over to take Dean’s hand on top of the table, holding it in both of his. “If you love yourself, if you love Sam, and if you _ever_ loved me, you’ll do this.” 

 

Dean swallowed and squeezed his hand tightly. “I’m afraid, Cas.” 

 

“Of what?” Castiel asked, head tilting. 

 

He watched as Dean clenched his jaw and there were tears once again forming in his eyes. His lower lip trembled and Castiel squeezed Dean’s hand in return for comfort. 

 

“Dean?” 

 

“I’m afraid of living.” 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

_Could have heard a pin drop_ was only an idiom, at least it had been in Dean’s mind until he’d let the bomb drop on his brother. Sam’s face was completely still and slowly draining of color. There was even a little sweat appearing below his upper lip and he was so still, Dean had seen statues that moved more than his brother. 

 

“Sam?” 

 

“How _long_ have you known?” Sam asked quietly. 

 

“Not long,” Dean admitted. “Couple of weeks.”

 

“Were you ever going to tell me? Or were you going to let the people in the morgue let me know?” 

 

Dean blushed and glanced down at where his hands were resting along the table. “Sam, it was even hard for me to grasp, let alone tell you.” 

 

“But you told _Cas_. You told a man you haven’t seen in ten years, but God _fucking_ forbid you tell your own family!” Sam’s chair scraped across the floor as he stood up quickly and walked away. 

 

“Sam, wait!” Dean followed as fast as he could, even if standing up so fast made him a little dizzy. “Sammy, please-.” 

 

Sam whirled around and Dean flinched when he saw Sam was crying. “You’re all I’ve got…” Sam stopped himself as his voice broke and he had to turn away again, obviously very upset. 

 

“Sam, I’m _sorry_ … This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to get upset, I just… I just wanted to _die_ and I don’t know… I don’t know. I’ve been selfish, I know.” 

 

Sam slowly turned back around and yanked him into a tight hug. Scout came over and tried to get in between them, whining and going in circles from responding to Sam’s sadness. 

 

“It’s okay, Sammy,” Dean whispered, wrapping his arms around his little brother. Sam had long outgrown him, but he knew Sam still looked up to him, sometimes literally if Sam forced himself to be smaller. “I’m here. I’m here.” 

 

“I _need_ you to seek out treatment, Dean. I need this. Please, don’t _die_.” 

 

Dean bit his lip, trying his damndest to not cry, but the task was growing more and more difficult by the minute. “I’m afraid to live, Sam… I’m afraid to keep on living. I’m so lonely, Sammy. I hate my whole fucking life.” 

 

Sam pulled back from the hug and wiped his nose and eyes on his shirt. “Why?” 

 

“Because my whole life I’ve been someone I’m not and I have _no_ idea how to be the guy I am… and now it’s too late. I’m finally _ready_ to be me and I don’t even get that chance.” He looked away and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. It was too much and Cas was right, it wasn’t fair, not even a little. 

 

“But you can try,” Sam said. “I can help you, Cas can help you.” 

 

“I don’t want Cas to give up his life for me and I don’t want you to do that either.” After collecting himself, Dean took a couple of deep breaths to remain calm, and then finally sat back down in the chair, feeling exhausted. 

 

Sam sank down beside him and Scout walked over and put her head in Dean’s lap. “Dean, let me take you to the hospital. Get you treatment. Leukemia is manageable, but we have to act _now_.” 

 

“I guess I can give it a try,” Dean said. 

 

Sam’s face split into a smile and he stood up to get their things packed. “We can do this, Dean, we _can_.” 

 

He wanted to point out that it wasn’t Sam’s battle to fight, but he held his tongue and slowly began to pet Scout instead. 

 

xxx

_February 2003_

 

“Focus, Castiel! Focus your movements!” 

 

He couldn’t focus, which was starting to become extremely obvious to his instructor. It didn’t help that Balthazar was sitting in on his studio time. It was making him become clumsy and he knew he was just making a fool of himself. 

 

“That’s enough. Stop.” 

 

Coming to a stop, Castiel took a few deep breaths to calm his heart. “I’m sorry, let me do it again, I can do it.” 

 

He’d been working on an overly complicated set of movements for weeks and he’d told Raphael he was ready for the recital. But he just wasn’t ready at all. 

 

“Where’s your head today?” Raphael asked as he walked over. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “It’s just… you know, _he’s_ here, and it’s throwing me off.” Castiel glanced back to where Balthazar was sitting behind some glass to watch. 

 

Raphael sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Pretend he isn’t. If you want into Tisch, then you need to do better. I told him that you’re the best dancer I’ve seen in ten years, prove it.” 

 

Castiel gulped and nodded. “No pressure.” 

 

“Deep breaths. Start again.” 

 

_Innnnnnn._

 

Hold. 

 

_Ouuutttt._

 

He pushed the negativity away and started again. 

 

Once he focused, Castiel felt his limbs loosen and lengthen; he was soon turned into liquid, sliding across the studio floor like he was meant to. The rep from Tisch soon flooded away from his mind and Castiel forgot all about Balthazar scouting him. All he had to do was focus. 

 

“Good, very good,” came Raphael’s deep voice, praising him. 

 

His mind wandered to Dean and wondering how he was doing on the test they’d been studying for. Midterms were coming up, too. He’d probably have to tutor Dean then as well. 

 

The music ended and Castiel paused, finishing off the last part of the dance as if the music was still playing. Raphael applauded him and there was an echo of applause following. He slowly turned and saw Balthazar was walking over. 

 

“Astounding,” he said, which was probably a huge compliment from the hard-to-please bastard. “He really is one of the best, Raphael, I’m impressed.” 

 

“Thank you,” Castiel said with a happy smile. _That_ made his entire day, no, his entire year. 

 

“I look forward to seeing your application in a few years, Mr. Novak.” 

 

His smile widened. “I have to get to class now.” 

 

Raphael shooed him off, so Castiel rushed over to pick up his bag. He’d have to stretch later, even if he’d probably regret it. The man from Tisch had said he was astounding. _Astounding_. He had to tell Dean. 

 

Practically skipping across campus (or as much as he could in the snow), Castiel followed some students into Dean’s dorm hall, and on up the stairs. Dean’s room was at the end of the hallway, so Castiel dashed on down it, raising a hand to knock, when some yelling broke through the closed door, making him pause. 

 

“I _told_ you to do better than this!” came a man’s angry voice. “Fucking Christ, Dean! You get a damn scholarship and still waste your fucking time here!” 

 

“I said I was sorry!” Dean yelled back, but his voice didn’t sound very confident. 

 

“Sorry isn’t going to keep you from flunking out of school! Sorry isn’t going to do jack shit for you!” 

 

There was a commotion and Castiel felt suddenly very afraid. Turning, he whisked down the RA’s room and knocked on the door quickly in a panic.

 

“Yeah?” the RA answered, looking more annoyed than concerned. 

 

“There’s a lotta yelling and screaming in room 232, I’m worried,” he managed, glancing back down the hall. “I think someone’s getting violent.” 

 

The RA frowned and headed on down the hall to knock on Dean’s door. “Everything alright?” 

 

Castiel dared to follow and watched as the door was yanked open and angry, scruffy faced man stood in its place. He was big, but not as big as Cas had expected. 

 

“Hell do you want?” he asked. 

 

Castiel peered around the guy at Dean, who was on the floor, face bloody and eye bruised. Not being able to stop himself, he pushed past the large man and rushed over to Dean, dropping his stuff in the process. 

 

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” the RA was saying as Cas kneeled next to Dean. 

 

“Holy shit,” he whispered, reaching to tilt Dean’s chin to look at the damage. “Let me take you to the nurse-.” 

 

“M’fine, Cas,” Dean mumbled as he wiped his bloody mouth on his shirt. 

 

“You're a mess!” 

 

“I have a right to be here,” the man was protesting, but the RA was adamant and not backing down. 

 

Castiel glared at the back of his head, until he finally turned to look at them on the floor together. He may have had a few pounds and inches on Cas, but that didn’t stop him from protectively staying over Dean, like an attack dog. 

 

“You heard him,” Castiel dared to snap. “Get lost.” 

 

“This isn’t over, Dean. We’ll talk later.” The man stormed out of the room and the RA visibly relaxed. 

 

“You guys alright?” he asked. 

 

Dean nodded. “I’m fine. Thanks.” 

 

Castiel mouthed ‘thank you’ to the RA before he left, and then was quick to pay attention to Dean again. “Let me clean you up at least.” 

 

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Dean replied quietly. “That was my dad.” 

 

“Well, he’s a dick,” Castiel snapped as he helped Dean upright and off toward the bathrooms down the hall. 

 

“You didn’t have to do that, Cas,” Dean mumbled as they walked. “I got it under control. The old man is just mad I’m not doing that hot.” 

 

“You’re doing better!’ Castiel exclaimed as he got Dean inside and sitting down on the floor. It wasn’t ideal, but the sink was closer if Dean sat on the floor. “A lot better.” 

 

“I know,” Dean whispered. “But he wants me to be like Sam, a fuckin’ genius.” 

 

“Dean, you _are_ a genius. You’re _so_ smart… Don’t let your father tell you otherwise.” 

 

Getting the water running and on warm, Castiel wet some paper towels and knelt down in between Dean’s legs to start dabbing and cleaning up the blood. Dean stared up at the ceiling, unflinching, while Cas got to work. If someone would have walked in on them, it would have a looked a lot more incriminating than it really was. 

 

“Has he always hit you?” Castiel dared to ask after he was tired of the silence. 

 

“Yeah,” Dean replied dully. “I’m used to it, it’s no big deal.” 

 

“It _is_.” 

 

“Can’t do nothing about it, and I’d rather have him beat me than beat my brother.” 

 

“I didn’t know you had a brother.” Castiel got a few more paper towels wet to clean up Dean’s nose. It wasn’t bleeding anymore at least. 

 

“Yep. Little brother.” A fond smile flitted along Dean’s face, but quickly turned into a grimace. “He’s fifteen, just started high school, total brain.” 

 

“You must be proud of him.” 

 

“I am. Super proud. He wants to get into Stanford. He will, too, I can just tell.” 

 

“Well, Dean, you got a full scholarship, shouldn’t that mean something?” Castiel asked as he finished up doctoring Dean’s face. He’d have a lot of bruises and scrapes, but it had looked worse than it really was. 

 

“Yeah, because I was poor, not because my GPA was flawless.” 

 

He paused. The way Dean talked so low of himself made Castiel sad. He’d been only working with Dean for a month, but he could tell Dean was smarter than he believed. Perhaps his studying habits weren’t the best, and he struggled to read and comprehend, but he was still extremely intelligent. 

  
Despite his issues, Dean was able to read Vonnegut and other greats for _pleasure_ , not just for academics. He shoved as much knowledge into his brain as possible and Castiel admired him for that. 

 

He just wished Dean saw himself the same way. 

 

“Well, you’re still very smart,” Castiel said as he finished. “There. You should be okay now.” 

 

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean muttered. 

 

They didn’t move from the floor and Cas was still more or less on Dean’s lap. They were doing it again, too, the staring into each other’s eyes bit. Castiel wanted to pull away, to end it before he did something stupid again, but he wasn’t the one who moved first this time. 

 

Dean leaned in and brushed a kiss against his lips; it was chaste and quick, but it happened. “Cas,” Dean whispered. 

 

“Yeah?” he asked, feeling his stomach fill with butterflies. 

 

“Thanks.” 

 

He gulped and nodded. “You’re welcome.” 

 

Still, neither of them moved to get up and Castiel couldn’t help but lean in and kiss Dean again, this one definitely less friendly. Dean’s hands found Cas’ hips and held on as he pressed back into the kiss, their lips chasing each other’s eagerly. It was quicker than Cas would have liked, but they knew they had to get up before they were caught. 

 

It wasn’t until they were back in Dean’s room that Castiel realized he’d kissed Dean and Dean had kissed him back. It had _actually_ happened, he hadn’t dreamt it or made it up. 

 

“Are you gay?” Castiel managed to ask, which seemed stupid as soon as he asked the question. 

 

Dean snorted and shrugged, going to lay on his bed. “I dunno what I am, but you can’t tell no one about what we just did.” 

 

He gulped and blushed. “Right. Okay. It didn’t happen.” 

 

“I’m gonna nap now.” 

 

“Can I stay?” Castiel dared to ask. 

 

Dean looked over at him, paused, and then nodded. “Yeah, you can stay.” 

 

Smiling, Castiel rushed over to crawl into bed next to Dean and press his head along Dean’s chest to sleep. 

 

 

xxx

“What do you mean you’re taking time off?” Gabriel demanded over the speakerphone as Castiel continued to pack his stuff. “Cas, this is like your big break and you’re just going to _leave_?” 

 

“Dean’s being taken to a cancer hospital and I want to be there!” Castiel snapped back. “So, yes, I’m leaving the tour early.” 

 

Maybe it was stupid. 

 

Okay, it was _very_ stupid. 

 

In fact, Dean would be furious when he found out, but he was doing it anyway. It was his choice, not Gabriel’s, not Anna’s, not Dean’s. His. 

 

“What about your cats?” Gabriel tried to argue, even though they both knew that was a weak argument. 

 

“They’re going to be fine,” Castiel replied as he shoved some more stuff into his suitcase. “I have a neighbor coming to watch them and feed them and play with them.” 

 

“Where are you even going to stay?” 

 

“In a hotel.” 

 

Gabriel snorted. “Cas, you’re giving up _so much_ , for someone you weren’t even sure about seeing again a few days ago!” 

 

Castiel cut off as he felt the emotions and pain hit him all over again. “He’s dying, Gabriel… and I won’t let our past taint this present. Not right now.” 

 

Gabe sighed heavily, which was his way of accepting defeat. “Cas, I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. You were a mess when he called it off last time.” 

 

“I know, but I’m stronger now, Gabriel. I’ve learned, okay?” He zipped up the suitcase and glanced around the apartment that could have been theirs. His and Dean’s. It felt so damn empty with him. “I can’t lose him, Gabe. I just can’t.” 

 

“You’re not good for each other!” 

 

“Yes we are.” 

 

“You were always arguing back and forth and Dean was never ready to come out. He _used_ you, Cas. He used you for sex, because he could.” 

 

“That _isn’t_ what happened. You don’t know how he felt, okay?” Castiel reached over to pick up his phone. “I have to go to catch my plane. Good bye, Gabriel. I’ll call you when I land.” 

 

There was a groan. “Be safe, Cas.” 

 

“I will.” Castiel ended the call and began to roll his suitcase toward the front door, where the cats were waiting. They were both in distress and meowing and looking _very_ offended that he was leaving them. Again. “I’ll be back, boys, I _promise_. Don’t worry.” 

 

Noodles squeaked and showed his butt as he walked off. Chevy was winding between his legs and screaming for him not to go. Smiling sadly, Castiel picked him up and kissed his head, which resulted in a boop on the nose. 

 

“You _love_ Charlie, and she loves you, so don’t even bitch.” Setting Chevy down on the cat condo, Castiel glanced one more time and then let himself out to drop his key off with Charlie. 

 

“For Dean,” he whispered to himself as he headed down to his car.

 

xxx

_March 2003_

 

Dean’s ass was extremely transfixing. Castiel couldn’t tear his eyes away even though he wanted to, but the damn jeans Dean were wearing just fit _so very nicely_. 

 

“Stop starin’ at my ass, Cas,” Dean replied without turning around as he continued to dig through his closet. 

 

“You’re the one wearing the nice jeans,” he pointed out. “Besides, you like it when I stare at your ass.” 

 

Dean finally began to turn around, so Castiel soon had an eyeful of Dean’s crotch instead. It was also a very nice view. Dean snapped his fingers, “Up here, Fabio.” 

 

Castiel finally raised his eyes up to Dean’s. He had been stretched out on Dean’s bed for the past twenty minutes while Dean argued with him over what to wear. They were going to the airport soon to fly to Florida and Dean was stalling because he was nervous. But he’d promised Dean a Disney trip and that’s where they were going. 

 

“Why can’t we drive?” Dean asked for the millionth time. “Please?” 

 

“It’ll take too long and I already have the tickets.” He plucked out the tickets he’d been holding onto for weeks. It had been _supposed_ to be a surprise, for when Dean had shown up with an A on his midterms, but then Gabriel had opened up his big fat mouth. 

 

“I like driving, I like having my feet _on_ the ground.” Dean cut off when there was a knock on the door. “You expectin’ someone?” 

 

“This isn’t my room, remember?” 

 

Dean rolled his eyes and walked over, pulling open his door. Victor, Ash, and Aaron were all standing on the other side. “Hey, guys.” 

 

“What are you homos doing?” Ash asked, pushing his way on in. 

 

Dean rolled his eyes again and went to finish packing his suitcase. “Told you, I’m going with Cas to Disney World.” 

 

“Lucky bitch,” Ash said, the same time Victor said, “That is so gay, Dean.” 

 

“Disney isn’t _gay_ ,” Castiel snapped. “Unless you mean happy and then, yes, Disney is the _gayest_ place on Earth.” 

 

He hated Dean’s friends. They were all fragile, heterosexual assholes. It amazed Castiel how masculinity was so terribly thin and easy to break. He jumped when he heard Dean’s phone start to ring. “Dean, your phone.” 

 

“I got it.” Dean leaned over him, putting his crotch _right_ into Castiel’s face to reach it. “Yeah?” 

 

Castiel looked up at him and saw Dean’s face go from neutral to white to ashen. Slowly, he sat up, suddenly worried. There was something wrong, that much was clear. 

 

“Wait, what?” Dean whispered. “That can’t be, I just saw him a month ago.” 

 

Castiel glanced over at Dean’s friends who looked just as confused. 

 

“I just-... Yeah, yeah I’ll be there.” Dean pulled the phone from his ear and hung up. Soon after, he was sitting down on the bed, staring into space. 

 

“Maybe we should go,” Ash said slowly. 

 

Castiel nodded and soon the trio retreated, leaving him alone with Dean. He slid his hand to Dean’s shoulder. “Dean, what’s wrong?” 

 

“My dad,” Dean whispered. “He’s dead.” 

 

Of all the things he’d expected Dean to say, _that_ was not one of them. The last thing Castiel remembered of John Winchester, had _not_ been pleasant. He’d beaten Dean badly the last and only time he’d met Dean’s father. The only thing he had to thank John for, was that moment had led to him and Dean hooking up. 

 

More than once. 

 

“Dean, I’m _so_ sorry… You can’t come to Florida now, can you?” he asked quietly as he rubbed Dean’s back in comforting circles. It had always worked on him when Gabriel did it. 

 

“No,” Dean muttered. “I gotta fly out to Kansas for the funeral and help Sam and Bobby clean out the house… _Fuck_.” Dean leaned forward, covering his face, clearly overwhelmed. 

 

Castiel leaned against Dean and kissed his shoulder through the fabric of his shirt. “Do you want me to go with you? For… moral support?” 

 

“But Disney, you’re going to Disney with your brother,” Dean said, looking up at him helpless. “I don’t wanna ruin your whole Spring Break.” 

 

“I’ve been to Disney _tons_ of times, but I’ve never been to Kansas,” he replied with a weak smile. 

 

“Kansas is boring, believe me. It’s just flat with corn all over.” 

 

“I want to be there for you, Dean.” 

 

Dean’s eyes teared up and he leaned over to kiss Cas desperately. “Fuck, you’re too good to me, Cas.” 

 

His heart began to race a little, which was the way Dean always made him feel when they stole kisses from one another. They were always quick and chaste, but they were still kisses. Tentatively, Castiel cupped Dean’s face, and pressed a deeper kiss on his lips. Dean moaned and opened his mouth, letting Cas’ tongue slide inside. 

 

It only made his heart race faster and his stomach fill with jumping and flipping butterflies. They were practically doing gymnastics. 

 

“Damn, you kiss good,” Dean said when they pulled away for air. “You sure you ain’t ever kissed a boy before, Novak?” 

 

“Just a few times,” Castiel admitted with an abashed smile. “But I like kissing you best.” 

 

“I just can’t believe he’s _dead_ …” Dean shook his head, wiping the tears out of his eyes. 

 

“Did they say what happened?” Castiel asked. 

 

“Heart attack, I guess. Said he had some underlying condition we never knew about.” 

 

“I’m so sorry, Dean.” 

 

That was somewhat of a lie. He hadn’t known John enough to wish death on the man, but from what he _had_ seen and what he’d heard from the few times Dean had mentioned his father, Castiel hadn’t wanted John to be around Dean for much longer. He was an awful influence and definitely the reason Dean was locked inside a deep and dark closet. 

 

“Well, now you can come out,” he said, wanting to find a silver lining in the bad situation, but that just made Dean look over at him like he’d grown a second head. “What?” 

 

“Fuck, Cas. What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?” Dean demanded. “That was so fucking rude. Jesus! My dad’s _dead_ and all you can think about is your fucking self!” 

 

“What, _no_! Dean that isn’t what I meant!” He stared up at Dean as he stood, very upset and angry. “I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant you’re free to be yourself now!” 

 

“Yeah, like _that’s_ supposed to make me feel better?! God, you’re such a prick, Cas.” Dean stormed over to his suitcase and began to wheel it toward the door. “I don’t want you coming with me to Kansas. Just go to Florida and leave me the hell alone.” 

 

“Dean, I’m _sorry_!”

 

“Whatever, Novak.” Dean yanked open his door and stormed out of the dorm, letting the door slam behind him. Castiel flinched at the loud bang. 

 

He hadn’t meant it the way it had come out, not even in the slightest. He’d just wanted Dean to see a positive in the dark. A bit of light to guide him out. He hadn’t meant it as a victory of his father’s death. He hadn’t liked John, but didn’t mean he’d wanted John to _die_. 

 

Castiel waited for Dean to come back, even though Dean was clearly unhappy to see him when he opened the door again. 

 

“I said I didn’t want you coming with me,” he snarled. 

 

“I really am sorry, Dean, you just took it the wrong way. That _wasn’t_ what I meant,” Castiel begged. He needed Dean to understand. “I really am sorry that you lost your father, I know you loved him.” 

 

“My dad wasn’t perfect, but he was still my dad, alright? He’s my hero.” Dean stormed over to pack his backpack full of the other stuff he’d need. “You just don’t know when to shut up, do you? First the Cain thing and now my dad. Fucking ridiculous.” 

 

Castiel flinched as he remembered asking Dean about Cain. There was still a large part of him that thought Dean had been molested by his “tutor”. That was probably _also_ a reason Dean locked himself into the closet and pretended to be straight. It was too hard for him to cope with, not that Cas blamed him. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he replied quietly. 

 

“Yeah, you always are,” Dean replied coldly. “Get out, Cas.” 

 

“Dean-.” 

 

“I said, _get out_.” Dean pointed to the door. “Don’t make me say it again.” 

 

With tears welling up in his eyes, Castiel stood and left Dean’s room, defeated and with his tail between his legs. Disney was not going to be all that happy this year. 

 

 

xxx

Hospitals smelled of disinfectant and formaldehyde. It was a mixture of _clean_.

 

Not the good kind of clean. Not ‘fresh out of the dryer’ clean. It didn’t smell like Snuggle or Tide. No, it smelled as if something had died and people were pouring bleach all over to cover up the endless amount of _death_ underground. 

 

Which was probably true. 

 

Dean wrinkled his nose as he waited in his bed for the doctors to wheel him off to radiation treatment. They said it would be the best bet for the moment, while they tested Sam and Castiel for bone marrow matches. 

 

His nurse was some brunette woman named Meg and she wasn’t the nicest person he’d ever met, which seemed odd, since they were at a cancer hospital, with specialists from all over the world. Dean had a feeling the bill would cost him a fortune and a half. 

 

“Ready to go?” Meg asked as she got his IV’s situated. 

 

“Not like I got a choice,” Dean replied, wishing Sam and Cas could go with him, but where he was going they couldn’t. He’d have to do it on his own. “How sick is this gonna make me?” 

 

“It depends,” Meg replied. “You’re getting all over radiation therapy to prepare you for a bone marrow transplant. You could get nausea and vomiting and diarrhea. You’ll probably be tired and sleep most of the time.” 

 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Awesome,” he growled as Meg began to wheel him out of his room. “It doesn’t hurt, right?” 

 

“No.” 

 

He nodded. “And what if my brother and Cas aren’t matches? And I do this?” 

 

“We have another donor lined up,” Meg said. “Don’t worry about it.” 

 

“Oh.” 

 

They were heading on down to the elevator and Dean took a deep breath to calm down. This was the last thing he had wanted, but Sam and Cas were desperate for him to try treatment. He figured he owed them a little if not a lot. Especially Sam. 

 

He was the only family Sam had left. With their mother long dead, their father dead, and Bobby also passed on, they had no one but each other. The more he thought on it, the idea that he could still end up leaving Sam all alone if the treatment didn’t work, soon had him panicking and in hysterics. 

 

The world slowed down and he could hear someone talking to him, but he had no idea what they were saying. It was as if he had cotton stuffed in his ears. Meg was looking at him then, talking to him, but he couldn’t hear her. The edges of his vision were tinged with black, and he fought a fit of nausea, but couldn’t fight it for long. In the end, he made a mess all over the front of his gown. 

 

“Dean?” 

 

He heard his name. It was faint, but he heard it, and he knew that voice. 

 

“What’s wrong wit him?!”

 

“He’s experiencing anxiety.” That was Meg. 

 

Dean slowly blinked and the world came back in a rush of clarity. Castiel was standing beside him, looking alarmed and as if he wanted to go to him, but the nurses were holding him back from doing so. 

 

“Cas?” he asked quietly. 

 

“Dean, are you alright?” 

 

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just-. I don’t know… Got overwhelmed.” 

 

“We have to go,” Meg said dismissively to Castiel which made him angry.

 

 “Are you a match, Cas?” he asked quickly as they went into the elevator. 

 

“Yes!” Castiel called as the doors shut. 

 

He smiled a little. “You’re kind of a bitch, you know,” he commented to Meg who just pushed the button of the floor they needed to go to. 

 

“Just wait until you see me without coffee,” she said as the elevator began to go down. 

 

“Oh, goodie.” 

 

xxx

_March 2003_

 

Sam was a snivelling mess leaning against Bobby while the priest spoke about his father. Calling John Winchester a good father, a hero, and many other things that Dean, technically, knew were just not true. 

 

He couldn’t even sit with Sam at the casket, he decided to stand off the side and watch the priest lie right through his teeth. The sky was rumbling with the threat of rain, so everyone was standing over a tent that had been erected for this occasion. Dean didn’t mind when it began to rain, he just stood stoic and silent, just like his father would have wanted. 

 

He had to be strong for Sam after all. 

 

His mind flew back to school where he’d left Cas, telling him to the get the fuck out. Instead of being in Florida, where he truly wanted to be, he was stuck at a funeral that was full of lies. Dean had to hold himself back from rushing over and screaming at the priest, telling the man to shut up, and to spell the truth out of everyone attending. 

 

There weren’t many. 

 

Including himself, Bobby, and Sam, his father’s funeral boasted of ten people. Most of them probably people John owed money to. 

 

Dean turned his eyes to his mother’s grave, which was right next to his father’s, and that was when the tears filled his eyes. Mary Winchester had been dead for a long time, and he’d only known her for four years of his life, Sam hadn’t even known her at all. After the house fire in 1988, John had yanked him and Sam all over the country until Bobby had finally put that to a stop. 

 

But most of his childhood, they’d lived out of the Impala and in seedy motels that charged by the hour. By the time he’d turned thirteen, he already knew about hookers, alcohol, drugs, rape, starvation, and violence. He’d done his best to keep Sam from the monsters of the world, but he wasn’t completely sure if he’d done his best.

 

Sam still knew what it was like to have an absent, alcoholic father. 

 

But Dean had made sure Sam never went hungry; he’d gone without eating for five days in a row, just to make sure Sam always had a full stomach. 

 

He’d made sure Sam was never beaten by their father. He’d made sure Sam had clothes on his back - even if those clothes had once been his. He’d always made sure Sam had school supplies when they were in school and that he had everything he needed. 

 

_He’d_ been Sam’s father, not John. John hadn’t been a father to anyone. 

 

The sky cracked and Dean glanced up in time to get hit with raindrops and then it was pouring. The water was warm and it was so muggy, Dean was ready to strip out of his cheap suit he’d bought from Goodwill and walk back to the car naked. 

 

Seeing Sam so beat up over their father’s passing made his stomach and chest hurt. He didn’t like it when Sam was upset and the fact that he was upset over their father, it was just… ironic. But perhaps, Sam didn’t quite know how dark John’s tendencies ran, and still saw him as a hero. That was what he wanted, at least. 

 

Everyone, with their black umbrellas, were starting to leave and Dean stayed put. He watched as Sam and Bobby walked off together, huddled under their own umbrella. Dean knew Bobby would take good care of Sam, like aways. If anyone should have been a hero in Sam’s eyes, it should have been Bobby. 

 

Once the funeral cleared out, Dean slowly walked over and stared down at his dad’s coffin. 

 

“Fuck you, man,” he said, shaking his head. “Fuck you for all the _shit_ you put me through.” 

 

The sky rumbled again. Dean looked up and flipped the sky off, imaging it as his father. Then, his weary eyes turned to his mother’s grave and he slid down to hug the headstone and break down. He sobbed and squeezed as hard as he could, wishing he could hug her in person. She had always been so warm and loving; she would have raised them right. 

 

She never would have let John beat him. 

 

“Why’d you have to go, Mom?” he asked through his sobs. “Why’d you have to go?” 

 

“Kid, you gotta get going!” called a gravedigger, clearly ready to get going. “Storm’s gettin’ bad.” 

 

Dean took a deep breath, kissing his mother’s name engraved into her headstone, and finally pulled himself up enough to stumble back to the Impala. She was there, waiting for him like always, a solid rock for him to touch and gain strength from. 

 

Normally, he wouldn’t have let anyone soaking wet sit in his car, but it was time to go back to the house. They were supposed to be having a wake. He’d apologize to the interior later. 

 

The road was long and wet, the entire way back, and as Dean pulled up he stopped himself from getting out. There was another car in the driveway, one he didn’t recognize. 

 

And leaning back against that car was Castiel fucking Novak. 

 

Dean slid out of the car and stared at him like he was out of his mind. “ _Cas_?” he asked in shock. “How the hell did you find us?” 

 

“Well,” Castiel began slowly. “I mean, I checked the phone book… and I got some directions from someone in town.” He shrugged a little and offered him a cup of coffee. “I figured, even though you were pissed, you’d appreciate someone who would let you cry.” 

 

Dean accepted the coffee slowly, wrapping his hand around it tentatively. Cas was right; he was mad at Cas, but not really - he was more angry with himself than with Cas. 

 

“Fuck, you’re right,” Dean muttered as he sipped the coffee. He turned his gaze to the house and knew there were people in there to talk about John and how _great_ he’d been and all of their memories together. He shook his head. “Wanna go for a drive?” 

 

Castiel nodded. “Sure.” 

 

They walked back across the street to Dean’s car and Dean just took off. They drove in silence most of the way, and he had no idea where they going, but they were just going. 

 

In the end, Dean took Cas to a place where couples liked to make out, which he supposed was cheesy and dumb, but he wanted to relieve some stress. 

 

“So, where are we?” Cas asked. 

 

He shrugged. “Blow me, Novak.”

 

That made Cas blink and look over at him in complete shock. “ _Excuse_ me?” he asked. 

 

“Blow me.” 

 

“You want me to _blow_ you.” Dark eyebrows rose along his forehead and he looked completely shocked and skeptical. “Like, my mouth, your dick?” 

 

“Yeah, like _that_.” Dean nodded as he began to undo his fly and pull himself out, stroking his cock to hard. “I’m stressed, Cas, and your lips were made for this.” 

 

Castiel's face turned red, but then Dean relaxed as Cas leaned down to start putting his mouth on Dean’s dick. He sighed and slid a lazy hand into Cas’ thick hair, pulling and tugging. It was easy to muss up and a slow smile slid across his face as he gave into the pleasure and relaxation it brought on its back. 

 

xxx

For six days, Dean received radiation therapy. 

 

For six days, Castiel and Sam haunted the hospital as if they, too, were patients. 

 

Both of them hated that they could do mostly nothing while Dean received treatment and prepared to take the bone marrow transplant. They were both matches, with Sam being the closer match, so the doctors were going to try Sam’s marrow first. 

 

After Dean was given Sam’s marrow, he would be in the hospital for at least a month, if not longer. It depended on how quickly Dean was able to recover. Considering his age and health, the doctors were hopeful, but that didn’t stop Cas from worrying. 

 

He had worried himself physically ill a few times. Especially while Dean was pouring out excrement from both ends all the time, throughout his radiation. Seeing him so pale and sick, was awful. 

 

However, day 0 was upon them, and it was time for Dean and Sam to complete the transfer. 

 

They started early in the morning and Castiel was a nervous wreck in the waiting room. He’d been a nervous wreck since the night prior, and he wanted to be in the room right when he was receiving the transplant, but the doctors were only allowing immediate family to be with Dean. 

 

Ten years ago he could have been immediate family if Dean had agreed to marry him. 

 

Castiel hid his face and tried to calm his panic, but he was a wreck and he supposed rightfully so. They’d started their relationship their sophomore year and had continued it until Dean had left him. 

 

Spring Break their sophomore year had been the real start of their relationship in Castiel’s opinion. Instead of going to Florida with Gabriel, he’d driven out to Lawrence, Kansas. He’d found Dean’s house via the phone book and some directions from a nice man in town. Dean had jumped out of the car and been completely shocked to see him. That night, they’d slept in Dean’s childhood bed and he’d let Dean cry his eyes out. 

 

The summer of their junior year, they’d mostly spent together. Dean had worked at a mechanic’s shop and he’d found himself working as a dance instructor for young kids. Neither of them had made any money to speak of, but he’d still found himself living in a small studio apartment anyway. Living in the dorms had not been the ideal. 

 

That was the summer he’d also learned that Dean had started to live out of his car. 

 

When he’d found _that_ out, Castiel had insisted Dean move in. 

 

A fond smile made Castiel’s mouth twitch and his chest fill with warmth. They had had a good last two years of school, until it had all gone to hell and back when they’d realized graduation was upon them, and he was still Dean’s dirty little secret. The smile faded and Castiel hugged himself, wishing the bad thoughts would just go away. 

 

But they wouldn’t and he shut his eyes instead. Maybe sleep would keep him from thinking about it too much. 

 

xxx

_June 2003_

 

“Move over, Cas, you’re hogging the damn bed,” Dean mumbled into the back of his neck. 

 

Castiel grumbled back and attempted to slide over more so Dean had more room, but the bed wasn’t all that big to begin with. It was supposed to be a full, but Cas was certain he’d slept in fulls larger than this one. 

 

“Cas,” Dean growled as he started to physically move him over. 

 

Castiel glared at the clock, which was glaring right on back at him, showing him that it was definitely past three in the morning. 

 

3:30 a.m. 

 

He had to get up at six so he could go to work by eight. 

 

“Dean, stop,” he whined back, reaching around to pull Dean’s arm over his waist. “Just go to sleep.”

 

“I’m hangin’ off the bed over here, Cas. I can’t sleep. Move your little ass over.” 

 

Castiel sighed and finally managed to slide across the bed and get settled back down to try and sleep. He was _so_ close, it was right there, ready to pull him back under, and then he felt Dean’s lips brush his bare shoulder. That made him wriggle. 

 

Then Dean’s lips pressed along the back of his neck and he sighed, happy and content. 

 

“Dean,” he muttered, “stop it. I’m tryin’ to sleep.” 

 

“Then sleep, beautiful,” Dean replied as his hand began to creep down the front of Castiel’s boxers. “Just sleep.” 

 

Castiel shut his eyes and tried to will sleep upon himself, but Dean’s hands were busily stroking and rubbing a very sensitive spot. He moaned and pressed his face into the pillow to keep them muffled. Unconsciously, his hips started to rock with Dean’s hand. 

 

“Sexy,” Dean whispered in his ear, his hand squeezing and pulsing along his length. 

 

“No one is sexy at three-thirty in the morning,” he said back. “Not even you.” 

 

Dean chuckled and continued to rub and stroke, so content to go slow and light. “I dunno, pretty sure I’m pretty sexy.” 

 

“Mmm, not this early in the morning.” Castiel sighed and continued to rock into Dean’s hand, feeling his toes curl. “You gonna make me come, Winchester?” 

 

“That’s right,” Dean whispered. “Gonna make this little cock explode.” 

 

Castiel sighed and arched when his body finally gave into the pleasure. The orgasm made his cock jerk a few times and then he was sleepy enough to start to fall asleep all over again. 

 

“Good night, Dean,” Castiel murmured into the pillow, which Dean answered with a kiss to his shoulder blade. 

 

When he woke up again it was due to his alarm screaming and being obnoxious at six in the morning. Castiel groaned and reached over to slap it, until he ended up missing, and knocking the wailing alarm clock to the floor. 

 

“Damn it.” 

 

Castiel sat up and reached down to pick up the alarm clock and finally turn it off. Dean was still fast asleep beside him, snoring softly, and completely passed out. Stupid Dean was lucky to work in the afternoons, but not him, he had to get up bright and early to deal with eight year olds and their parents. 

 

It was not his favorite job in the whole world. 

 

Climbing out of bed as quietly as possible, Castiel crept off toward the bathroom to shower. His boxers were now officially stuck to him, and they hurt like hell to pull off, leaving some hair behind. It was time to shave again. 

 

He wasn’t in the shower long before he felt Dean come up behind him and wrap his arms around like a tired octopus. 

 

“Dean, I can’t bathe if you’re going to lean on me like that,” he said, even though he wasn’t complaining that much. He liked Dean pressing into him. 

 

“Are you actually complaining or just pretending?” Dean asked, kissing his shoulder again. It was clearly his favorite spot to kiss or maybe the easiest to reach. 

 

“No, but I really do need to clean up so I can go to work soon.” 

 

“Mmf.” 

 

Castiel snorted. “That wasn’t even English, Dean.” He reached for some shampoo. “If you’re going to be back there, massage my head.” 

 

“Blow me first,” Dean said in his ear, his voice deep with a little command in it. He shuddered. 

 

“Right now?” 

 

“Yeah, right now.” 

 

Castiel slowly spun around and began to kneel at Dean’s feet, kissing his stomach and pelvis slightly. His tongue darted out to lick against Dean’s base and then he took Dean’s entire soft cock into his mouth, enjoying the feeling of him growing hard in his mouth. 

 

“Mmmmm, that’s it, Cas,” Dean sighed happily, even as he put some shampoo on his palms. “Just suck like that, baby.” 

 

It was hard not to do what Dean told him to do, even when Dean began to shampoo his hair and massage his scalp. He groaned and continued to suck Dean hard, running his tongue along the shaft and head. Dean’s fingers working magic helped bring pleasure down his neck and spine, all the way to his dick. 

 

_This_ was how he wanted to give blowjobs from now on. 

 

With a damn scalp massage attached to it. 

 

“Doin’ good, Angel,” Dean continued quietly. 

 

The only downside, was Castiel had to keep his eyes shut, so he didn’t get soap in them, but he could tell Dean was being very careful how he pushed his hair around. If nothing else, Dean was a very considerate lover. 

 

 “ _So_ good, Angel.” 

 

He loved it when Dean called him _angel_ and _baby_. Those names made his cock ache even more. But the names that _really_ got him going, were _slut_ and _whore_. He loved being talked down to, since he knew Dean didn’t actually mean it. Plus, the way Dean growled the words out, he made it sound so sexy and not degrading at all. 

 

“Ah, Cas, I’m gonna _come_ ,” Dean sighed. “Fuck!” 

 

Castiel was prepared this time; he remember the first time Dean had shot his load down his throat, he’d choked, coughed, and almost threw it all back up. He’d taken a dick before, but Dean had more in him than most of the men he’d swallowed. Now, after giving _many_ blowjobs to Dean since Spring Break, he was practically a fucking expert. 

 

Dean groaned loudly as he came and Castiel shivered at the noise. He loved when his lovers were vocal - the men who stayed quiet most of the time did nothing for him. He _needed_ to know when he was doing a good job or not. 

 

Dean was great at letting him know how good of a job he was doing. 

 

“Oh, fuck, that felt good, Cas.” Dean rubbed his scalp some more and then helped him stand up. “You want me to do you?” 

 

“in a minute,” he replied sleepily as let Dean switch positions with him so he could rinse out his hair. What he _really_ wanted was for Dean to lick his hole and eat him out just like he would a girl, but that would take a lot more convincing Cas had a feeling. 

 

“Okay,” Dean replied, leaning back against the shower wall to watch. 

 

“You get off on me washing my hair?” 

 

Dean smirked and reached to touch his cock again. “You’re just sexy.” 

 

The shampoo ran down his body and down the drain and soon his hair was clean and his scalp was happily tingling. Castiel stepped into Dean’s space again and pressed up against him to kiss and touch. 

 

“You want me to blow you now?” Dean asked quietly as he rubbed against his neck. 

 

“I want you to lick my asshole,” Castiel laughed with a grin. “It’s called rimming.” 

 

Dean blinked and stared at him for a moment. “You’re serious?” 

 

“Yeah, we’re in the shower, and I went to the bathroom before I hopped in.” 

 

There was more staring and looking terribly confused. “That’s a _real_ thing people do?” 

 

“ _Yes_ , Dean. That’s a real thing people do. I can clean and scrub out first. I’ll be clean and fresh.” He winked playfully but Dean’s face didn’t change. In fact, instead of relaxing, he just looked more and more disgusted. “You don’t have to…” 

 

“Just, no thanks, Cas.” He shook his head. “Doesn’t sound like my cup of tea, alright? Can’t I just suck your dick?” 

 

The mood was definitely going downhill and his erection was already flagging. Maybe he’d show Dean some rimming videos later to change his mind. 

 

“Just forget it, Dean,” he said, grabbing a washcloth and body wash to start cleaning up. 

 

“But, Cas-.” 

 

“It’s _fine_. I’m not even in the mood now anyway and I still have to wash up, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, and then head to the studio and stretch.”

 

Dean’s face fell, but he didn’t say anything else. Castiel finished washing up, rinsing off, and then he left Dean in the shower to dry off with a towel and pull on his dance clothes. Over _those_ he put on street clothes and then it was time to eat. 

 

Noodles was demanding to be fed by sitting by his empty bowl and glaring. Castiel shook his head and walked over to fill it up with food. 

 

“There, happy now?” 

 

Noodles just glared a little harder and started to eat. 

 

“You’re such a princess, Noodles.” Castiel patted him on the back and then began to make himself breakfast, which consisted of a banana, some cereal in milk, and orange juice. When he was ready to go, Dean was still in the shower, so Castiel called out a ‘see you later’, and then he was out the door and off to work. 

 

The whole way there, Castiel began to think about Dean and how he was beyond glad Dean had agreed to move in with him. Mostly because he didn’t want Dean to live out of his car anymore, and then there was the added bonus of living with his boyfriend. 

 

_Secret boyfriend_.

 

The studio was up ahead. Castiel parked his car and hopped out to let himself in. 

 

_Secret boyfriend. Secret boyfriend. He doesn’t want anyone to know about you._

 

He shut his eyes and banished the thoughts away. It wasn’t Dean’s fault he was in the closet still; it was his father's fault technically. But Castiel was helping him and he had hope that Dean would come out soon and they could stop being a secret. He would stop having to lie and say Dean was just his temporary roommate while Dean figured out his living situation. 

 

He wouldn’t have to walk side by side with Dean and not hold his hand. 

 

They could kiss in public. 

 

The times were changing and it wasn’t the 70s anymore. He wanted to kiss Dean’s mouth and hold his hand.

 

 He wanted Dean to want the same thing. 

 

xxx

“Cas. Cas, wake up.” 

 

Castiel startled when he finally heard his name being called. Attempting to sit up quickly, he winced at the pain in his back. “So, falling asleep on the couch was a _bad_ idea.” 

 

“He’s done,” Sam said. “It went well, we’re all okay.” 

 

“Really?” Castiel tried to jump to his feet, but again, his back was preventing any quick movements. “Can I see him now?” 

 

“No, still only immediate family, and they’re monitoring him pretty heavily to see how it goes. I’m sorry, Cas. But it’s probably best if you just go home, no sense in staying here when they won’t let you in.” Sam’s face began to turn red as if he were embarrassed by his own admission. “And it’s probably best for Dean if he mostly rests for the next few days.” 

 

“You want me to leave?” 

 

Why would Sam _want_ him to leave? Other than for his own rest? But this didn’t sound like Sam wanting him to leave for his own well-being. It sounded as if Sam wanted him to leave because Sam didn’t want him near his brother. 

 

“He needs to rest, not dwell on the past.” Sam glanced down for a moment, looking horrifically guilty, but then he squared his shoulders and nodded. “I hope you can understand.” 

 

His jaw began to clench as he realized Sam was purposefully keeping them apart. “Oh,” was the only thing he managed to say out loud. 

 

“Sorry, Cas.” 

 

“You’ll _call_ me if something changes, won’t you, Sam?” Would Sam even bother updating him on Dean’s condition? Would ever get to see Dean again? 

 

“Yeah, I’ll call. I promise.” Sam patted his shoulder and then turned to head back to Dean’s room, leaving Castiel alone in the waiting room. 

 

He gulped and held back a wave of tears. Gabriel had been right, he shouldn’t have come. And now, it was too late to go back to the troupe. He was out for good and there were no take-backs. He’d thrown it all away for Dean, because he _loved_ Dean… but he hadn’t counted on Sam putting a stop at attempting to rekindle their romance. 

 

Castiel left the hospital feeling defeated and sick to his stomach. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

“Look, Cas, if I could pull more strings I would, but they’re not too keen on taking you back,” Anna said over the phone, sounding so far away. She was probably at the airport. 

 

Castiel flinched and pinched the bridge of his nose. It had been a long shot, but he had no income now and was going to have to find a new job. “Thanks anyway, Anna.” 

 

“Sorry, Cas _._ ” 

 

The call ended. 

 

Castiel glanced at the clock. Time of death: 3:42 p.m. 

 

“Fuck,” he growled, running both hands through his hair. Gabe would just say _I told you so_ and then offer him a job at his restaurant. Not that he _wanted_ to work at a restaurant, but it would be better than absolutely nothing. 

 

It was time to call Gabriel, he supposed. 

 

“ _Yoooo_ ,” Gabriel greeted as soon as he picked up. “What’s up, little bro? How’s the ex?” 

 

Castiel bristled and tried to keep his voice calm. “Dean’s doing better, but Sam won’t let me stay at the hospital or see him-.” 

 

“ _What_?!” 

 

“It’s no big deal-.” 

 

“You gave up your _job_ for that bastard!” 

 

He sighed and began to rub his eyes with his free hand. It was probably best to just let Gabriel rant, but he did try to get one more thing in. “It’s not like _Dean_ was the one to tell me to get lost, okay? That was Sam.”

 

“Well, he didn’t have the right to kick you out like that! Did he _know_ you left your job? Did he know you took off from dancing to be with Dean? To make sure he was alright?!” Gabriel sounded a lot angrier than Castiel had expected. 

 

He’d expected Gabe to be smug and tell him that he’d been right and Cas had been wrong. This was not the Gabriel he’d grown up with. It was almost as if Gabe were being a protective older brother and not a pain in the ass. 

 

“I should go down there myself and kick Sam’s _ass_ ,” Gabriel snarled. “Stupid, tall, sexy bastard.” 

 

Castiel snorted. “Gabe, you’re too old for him-.” 

 

“Hey, I’m not that old. Check your privilege, little bro.” 

 

“I don’t know… maybe Sam was right.” Castiel put his cheek in his palm, feeling sad and helpless. “Maybe Dean shouldn’t be focusing on me and just focusing on getting better. I’ll see him again when he comes home.” 

 

“But what are you going to do between now and then, huh?” Gabe demanded. 

 

“I dunno… I need a job…” He trailed off and hoped Gabriel took the hint. He _hated_ asking for help. It was degrading and just another thing for his brother to hold over his head. For years. 

 

“You asking for one?” Gabriel asked. 

 

“Yeah…” 

 

“Well, I do need a new waiter. Definitely short on staff in that department.” 

 

Immediately, Castiel wanted to put his foot down and demand a job he wasn’t overqualified for, but beggars could definitely _not_ be choosers. “When can I start?” 

 

xxx

_October 2003 - Halloween Night_

 

There was a Halloween party at the same sorority house he’d been at the first time he’d met Dean over a year ago. More than anything, Castiel wanted to go _with_ Dean, but Dean had already put his foot down about going separately as friends. Nothing more. 

 

Dean wouldn’t even match costumes with him in case people thought it was gay. 

 

So, Dean was going as a cowboy and he had picked out a bed sheet and tied it around his body like a toga and grabbed a cheap fluffy wings and halo set. Dean was always calling him _Angel_ anyway. 

 

The house was decorated in black and orange streamers, with jack o'lanterns on the front porch, and a glow in the dark skeleton hanging on the front door. While Dean had been at the party for a few hours already, Cas was showing up a bit late. Mostly to keep up the idea that they were just friends, and also because he really did have to finish writing a paper for a core class. 

 

_Monster Mash_ met him as soon as he walked in. 

 

‘ _I was working in the lab late one night/When my eyes beheld an eerie sight’_

 

Ruby, dressed like Catwoman, was making her way through the throng of people to greet him with a tight and drunken hug. “ _Cassss_ ,” she slurred with a huge smile plastered on her face. “Look at you! You’re an _angel_.” 

 

How she always knew where to find him, he had no idea; sometimes, he wondered if she’d put a tracking device in his head. “Hey, Ruby, you’re drunk.” 

 

“ _Yeah_ , it’s fun,” she giggled with a wink. “Your _boyfriend’s_ here.” 

 

“Shh,” he hissed, not wanting people to overhear. “Remember, no one knows about him.” 

 

“Oh _right_ , duh, I forgot. _Sorry_.” Linking arms with him, Ruby pulled him through the group of monsters and girls wearing lingerie, until they broke through to where Dean was sitting on the couch. A couple of girls were hanging on him, which only made Castiel’s face turn red in rage. 

 

Who the hell did they think they were? Hanging on his boyfriend like that?!

 

“Uh _oh_ ,” Ruby said. “Looks like we got here just in time.” 

 

“I should kill them,” he snapped, before walking over. It was difficult to not be jealous. Extremely difficult. “Hello, Dean.”

 

“Oh, _hey_ Cas, you made it.” Dean grinned and held up his cup. He was clearly tipsy. 

 

“Yes, I told you I was coming. Who are your friends?” He pointedly looked at the blondes surrounding him. 

 

“Oh, this is Chelsea and Jessica. Aren’t they cute?” Dean asked with a happy smile. 

 

Castiel’s jaw clenched together so hard he heard it pop. “Dean, can I talk to you… in private? Please?” 

 

“ _Oh_ , private,” the blonde on Dean’s left purred. Cas was pretty sure she was Chelsea. “Kinky.” 

 

“It’s not like that,” Dean said as he stood up slowly. “Cas is my roommate.” 

 

“Yeah, that's what they _all_ say,” Jessica replied with a pout. “Why do we always find the gay ones?” 

 

“I’m not _gay_ ,” Dean insisted. “I’m straight. Jesus.”

 

“Uh huh.” Chelsea flicked her eyes over to some other guys who were watching and waved seductively. “Sure you are.” 

 

Castiel watched as Dean’s face grew red and he looked too close to dumping his drink on her, so he grabbed him by the back of his costume and hauled him off toward the mostly empty kitchen. The only person there was Ruby, refilling her drink. 

 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he demanded as Dean went to do the same. “Dean?!” 

 

“What?” Dean asked gruffly. 

 

“You were letting those girls _hit_ on you, what the _fuck_?” Usually, Cas didn’t curse so much in one sitting, but they were just rolling out now. Dean may like to pretend he was straight, but that did _not_ mean he got a free pass. 

 

“It’s just a game, Cas.” Dean drank some more of the mystery punch, which had gummy ghosts and bats swimming in it. “This is good, you should try some and get that stick outta your ass.” 

 

He bristled and clenched his hands into fists. “Dean, I’m being very serious right now.” 

 

“Cas, calm down, it’s not like I was gonna sleep with ‘em. Gotta put up appearances, alright?” 

 

“Why can’t you just… come out? Huh?” He stepped close and touched Dean’s shoulder, too close, and too intimate. “Please? Kiss me at the party, no one will care! No one!” 

 

Dean yanked out from under his touch as if it had burned him. “Shut up.” 

 

“Dean, I care about you and I want to _be_ with you. In public! I want to hold your hand, kiss you-.” 

 

“ _Deeeeean_!” Ash walked in then with a huge drunken smile. “Whassup, man? You ready to party?” 

 

Dean smiled and they did the one arm hug thing men seemed obsessed with doing. God forbid they _actually_ touch one another. “Hey, Ash. Hell yeah, I’m ready! Bring it on!” 

 

“C’mon, there’s even a wilder party going on at Zeta Phi. The chicks are _hot_ over there.” 

 

“Dean,” Castiel said, drawing him back from leaving. “We were talking.” 

 

“Not now, Cas.” Dean brushed him off. “I gotta go.”

 

“Dean Winchester, do not walk out of here,” he snapped, unable to stop himself from being forceful. “We are _talking_.” 

 

“Hey, calm down Angel Face,” Ash said, “he ain’t your husband.” 

 

It took all of his will and might not to say something that would out Dean. It wouldn’t be right to out him, especially not at a party. Not without Dean’s consent. He could only watch Dean go off with his friends to an apparently wilder party. Castiel looked around the kitchen and saw Ruby pressed back into a corner, watching them. He looked away, unable to meet her eyes. 

 

“What’s in that?” he asked dully and nodded to the punch. 

 

“I have no idea,” she admitted.

 

He grabbed a large cup and filled it. “We’re going to find out.” 

 

xxx

 

_November 2003 - November 1st_

 

Grass and earth was what he woke up to; it was in his mouth and stained on his clothes, which mostly had to do with waking up facedown on a front lawn in the morning. Cold water splashed along his back, making him jerk further awake, and sit up. 

 

He wasn’t the only one passed out on Zeta’s lawn. 

 

“Oh, shit,” Dean grumbled as he rubbed his head, which was throbbing awfully while his stomach became an angry ocean of nausea. 

 

Dean glanced down at his body to take inventory and the first thing he noticed was he had no pants on. _That_ was disturbing. 

 

“Dean!” Ash called from across the lawn. “Dude, I found your pants.” 

 

“Oh, good.” Using the ground to push himself upright, Dean stood, wobbled a moment, and then began to walk toward Ash to take the pants in his hands. “Fuck, what did we _do_ last night?” 

 

“I got _no_ clue. Last thing I remembered were those hot redheads and then I woke up.” 

 

“You got the time?” He asked as he patted his pockets - good, his phone and wallet and keys were all still inside. No one had pilfered them. 

 

“I dunno.” 

 

Trying to put on pants while hungover was not smart, he almost fell over a few times, but eventually managed. According to his cell phone, it was almost seven a.m., which explained the sprinklers turning on. 

 

“I gotta get back to my apartment.” _And face Cas. Fuck._

 

“Good luck, man.” Ash waved him off and then it was a long, tiring, and painful walk back to the apartment he shared with Cas. More than once, he had to stop and vomit in the bushes. It was definitely not a dignified walk by any means. 

 

“ _Hey_ , cowboy,” came a female voice that he didn’t recognize. Turning, Dean saw a pretty brunette, whose face he recognized, but her name was escaping him. 

 

“Sorry, who’re you?” he asked. 

 

“I’m Ruby Cortese, Cas’ friend?” 

 

Then it clicked. She was the chick Cas was always hanging out with; if he hadn’t known Cas was gay, he would have assumed they were together. “ _Ohh_. Right. You were at the party last night.” 

 

“Yeah, I was. Glad I found you, Cas was a wreck last night.” 

 

Dean frowned as he tried to process her words. His brain felt like mush and it took him a moment to catch up. “Wait, Cas was a wreck last night, whaddoya mean?” 

 

“I _mean_ he was a wreck last night. After you left?” Ruby shook her head a little. “He got completely wasted. I had him stay with me just so I made sure he didn’t choke on his own puke.” 

 

Dean gulped and stared at her like she was insane. Cas didn’t drink - Cas _hated_ alcohol. The only drink he ever drank that was remotely alcoholic was beer. Especially since he still wasn’t twenty-one yet, and technically, neither was Dean. He detested underage drinking, even if they all did it anyway. 

 

“Why did he get drunk?” he asked. 

 

“ _Because_ , moron, he was upset that you just _took_ off to another party. Probably got laid.” 

 

“I did not!” As soon as the words came out, Dean wasn’t completely sure they were true. He _had_ woken up without pants on. But he was pretty sure he hadn’t had sex last night. 

 

“Well, he was convinced you were off fucking some girl so you could ‘bang the gay away’. Those were his words, not mine.” She held up her hands in her own defense. “And you don’t exactly look that great, so, my guess is you _did_ get pretty wasted.” 

 

What was he supposed to say to that? She was right and Cas had been right to assume. Especially after what he’d said to him last night, if he remembered right. 

 

“Cas was trying to get me to come out last night,” he said slowly as he recalled the parts before going to the party at Zeta. “Right?” 

 

“Yep.” 

 

“Fuck… God, I was so rude to him.” Running a hand over his face, Dean tried to banish another fit of nausea. “I’m such a dick.” 

 

“ _Yeah_ , you are, Winchester.” Ruby shook her head. “Cas deserves better.” 

 

“I _know_ , okay? I know he does…” There was a lump forming in his throat and he had no idea what to do; he felt lost and like he needed a guiding hand. He needed his mother.

 

“Either come out or dump him. It’ll be easier on both of you if you just stick to a plan.” 

 

Dean gulped and dabbed his eyes on the back of his sleeve. He didn’t want to break up with Cas, but coming out was such a daunting task. The eyes of his father still haunted him and he could hear him being a homophobe in his head. 

 

“It’s just not that easy, Ruby.” 

 

“Well, _make_ it that easy,” she said. “I hate seeing Cas like that and I never wanna see him like that ever again, got it?” 

 

“He still at your place?” 

 

She nodded. “Yeah, he’s having breakfast, or what he can eat. I was walking to the Student Center to grab some hangover supplies when I ran into _your_ stupid ass.” 

 

Dean flinched. “Where do you live?” 

 

“421 Vine Street.” 

 

“Thanks.” 

 

Before she could say something else to him, Dean turned and crossed the street toward where he knew Vine vaguely was. It took him a few tries, but eventually, he found Vine and searched for 421. It was the little white house with the pink trim on the end. It also didn’t look like a house Ruby would live in, but he supposed rent was cheap, and the girls living there couldn’t be picky. 

 

There were a few girls sitting on the porch when he walked up. They looked at him, lost for a moment, and then one of them seemed to recognize him and probably why he was there. He blushed, excused himself, and headed inside. 

 

The house smelled like cat piss and alcohol. It was _not_ a good smell and he almost threw up again, but managed to hold it back. Following the signs of life, Dean eventually found himself at the back of the house where the kitchen was nestled on the right. Castiel was sitting at their small table, his head down on his arms. 

 

“Cas?” he asked quietly. 

 

Castiel very slowly lifted his head in response, looking over at him tiredly. Dean flinched at how trashed Cas looked; he was pale and there was a thick stubble along his jaw from not shaving, his hair was a greasy mess, and there were dark circles hanging under his eyes. 

 

“Hey,” he whispered, walking over and sitting by Cas at the table. “You okay?” 

 

“No,” Castiel replied dully as he set his head back down. “Sick.” 

 

He pressed his lips into a thin line and began to rub Cas’ back comfortingly. He was used to being hungover, but this was probably Cas’ first one. “This your first hangover?”

 

Castiel nodded. 

 

“I’m sorry, Cas, I’m real sorry…” 

 

“You _should_ be,” Castiel replied, his voice watery with unshed tears. “You did this to me.” 

 

“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, Cas, I know I was a total dick and I’m sorry.” He continued to rub Cas’ back, since that was the only thing he knew to do. “I’m _so_ sorry.” 

 

“Did you have sex with a girl?” Castiel asked, his voice a little muffled from being in his arms. 

 

He wanted to tell the truth and say he didn’t know, but it came out a lie. “No,” he said. “I didn’t, I swear.” 

 

“Hm.”

 

“Cas,” he whispered, daring to lean in and kiss his shoulder, which was bare from wearing the sheet as a costume. “Baby, I’m sorry.” 

 

“You two are disgusting,” came Ruby’s voice, making him almost jump out of his seat. “Calm down, Hasselhoff, I’m just bringing Cas some stuff. Okay, Cas, I have the following: Ibuprofen for your headache, some pepto for your stomach, and frozen burritos.” 

 

Castiel looked up at her and he had the most haggard expression Dean had ever seen. He even looked a little green around the gills. “Don’t talk about food right now.” 

 

Ruby grinned and turned to grab a plate from the cupboard. The noise made Dean and Cas flinch. “Trust me, it’s great hangover food, you’ll love it. I’m gonna nuke ‘em. Dean, be useful and get Cas some water.” 

 

Nodding, he rose to his feet and went to search for a glass to put some cold water in for Cas. Knowing he’d made Cas drink himself completely wasted was the worst; he didn’t want to be _that_ boyfriend. More than anything, he wanted to admit his feelings for Cas to people other than Cas and Ruby, but it wasn’t easy. 

 

Hell, sometimes, he couldn’t even admit that he liked guys at all. 

 

Calling it a phase was sometimes his coping mechanism. If he believed that liking his dick sucked by Cas was just a phase, it was easier to deal with. Not that Cas would _ever_ find that out. Not if he could help it. 

 

Castiel accepted the glass of water, took two pills, drank some pink crap, and then glared at the burrito on the plate Ruby had given him. “I don’t know if I can eat this,” he said slowly. 

 

“It’ll help,” Ruby said like it was a serious secret. “Trust me. I’ve cured _so_ many hangovers with those.” 

 

Dean took his seat next to Cas again, even daring to rub his back again, even though Cas immediately stiffened beneath his touch. “Cas-.” 

 

“Dean, don’t talk to me,” Castiel said as he picked up the burrito to take a slow and tentative bite. 

 

Immediately, he flinched and yanked away from him. “I said I was sorry, Cas.” 

 

Castiel chewed and swallowed before talking again. “I said don’t talk to me. Perhaps, you are deaf.” 

 

Again, he recoiled and finally stood up, realizing he was not welcome. “I’m going home, Cas, just… let me know when you wanna talk again.” Staring at his shoes, Dean walked out of Ruby’s house, and back toward theirs. His and Cas’. 

 

Cas would have to come back eventually. 

 

xxx

_‘They asked me how I knew/My true love was true/I of course replied/Something inside me here cannot be denied...’_

 

Castiel continued to quietly sing along with the radio as he drove toward Gabriel’s restaurant. He’d named it something ridiculous after his favorite novel, and when Cas had first heard it, he’d wanted to fall over and groan tiredly. Only _his_ brother would name his burger and fries joint _Lord of the Fries_. 

 

He’d been working for his brother only for two weeks and the pay was absolutely terrible, but if he was nice enough, the tips he received helped pay the bills. He hadn’t actually told Gabriel that he was definitely going to be facing eviction if he couldn’t find a new position _in_ his field. Giving up everything for Dean had been an awful idea, he’d finally realized in hindsight, especially since he wasn’t completely sure what he and Dean even were. 

 

They had agreed to go out together and then they’d had a date. It had gone just fine until Dean had admitted to having _cancer_. That had been enough to flip his entire world upside down. 

 

Dean was dying. 

 

In two weeks, he hadn’t heard from Sam, so he supposed no news was good news. But that didn’t mean it hurt any less. 

 

_‘So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed/To think they could doubt my love/Yet today my love has flown away/I am without my love.’_

 

Castiel glared at the stereo when he tuned back in, still sitting in his car to wait until he was technically on shift. He’d arrived too early, which was typical, but he wasn’t completely ready to walk in and face people. Nor was he ready to plaster on a fake smile and pretend his life wasn’t in shambles. 

 

Before _The Platters_ could scroll into the title of the song, Castiel pushed the button to turn the radio off and stare instead at the clock. He wondered what Dean was doing and how he felt. Was he even allowed to call Dean? Could Dean use the phone? It had been two weeks, making it day 14 after the bone marrow transplant. 

 

Was he healing? Was he doing well? Was he still sick? 

 

Castiel shuddered as the questions almost became unbearable. They were flooding his brain and he had a feeling focusing on work was going to be nearly impossible. He could barely focus enough to realize his phone was ringing, let alone have to walk in, smile, and take orders. 

 

“I’m fucked,” he muttered as he checked to see who was calling him. 

 

_UNKNOWN NUMBER_

 

Castiel leapt to pick up and answer. “Hello?” he asked, feeling his heart start to race and his bladder feel too full.

 

“Cas?”

 

“Yeah- Sam?” 

 

“Hey, yeah, it’s me… Uh, sorry to call out of the blue like this.”

 

“Is he all right?” he demanded, fearing the worst immediately. 

 

“Oh, yeah, _sorry_.” Sam laughed a bit but Castiel did not think this was funny at all. “I didn’t mean to scare you. He’s doing good, the doctor’s tell me that he’s taking to the transplant well and is way ahead of most people in the healing process. He’s already engrafted and he may be getting out in two more weeks.” 

 

Castiel practically became jell-o as he relaxed back into his seat. “Thank God,” he whispered. 

 

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Sam paused to cough and then began again, “Sorry. Anyway, I’m calling because as soon as he realized you weren’t here, he got mad and wanted to see you again. So, I was calling to see if could come out here? I know I asked you to go…” 

 

A pout began to tug at his lips and between his brows. “ _Yeah_ you asked me to go,” he snapped, feeling snippy and unamused. “Do you even _realize_ what I gave up to be there?” 

 

“Do you want to come out here or not, Cas?” Sam sighed. He sounded tired and fed up. And perhaps he was both of those things.

 

“Of course I do,” he said. “I just don’t know if I can leave my new job right now.” 

 

“Well, I told the doctors it was alright for you to be here, too. So, if you can, let me know so I can tell Dean to stop being pissed at me.” Sam coughed again. “Sorry, I’ve got a tickle in my damn throat.” 

 

“Does he have a phone in his room?” Castiel asked. 

 

“He’s got his cell, they let him have it.” 

 

“Okay… I’ll call him then.” 

 

Sam began to cough again, trying to talk between bursts, but eventually he gave up and pulled the phone away. Castiel waited until Sam finally put the phone back to say, “He’s asleep right now.” 

 

“Well, then I’ll call him after my shift is over.” He glanced at the clock and startled. “Speaking of, I have to go clock in. Bye, Sam.” 

 

“Oh- bye, Cas.” 

 

Castiel ended the call and jumped out of his car to rush inside. Gabriel frowned as he rushed up to clock in and throw his apron over his head. “Sorry,” he panted. 

 

“Chill, bro, there isn’t anyone even in here yet.” Gabriel looked him over in confusion. “What’s up with you anyway? You’re all flushed.” 

 

“Dean’s doing good,” he managed after taking a deep breath. “I just thought I was late.” 

 

Gabriel waved his hand dismissively. “Honestly, I may not even need you today.” 

 

“But, Gabe, I need the money-.” 

 

“And I got more experienced servers coming in for the lunch rush,” Gabriel replied. “Cas, it’s dead right now, and there’s nothing for you to do. When the others come in, there’s no reason for me to keep you here.”

 

He stared at Gabriel in disbelief. Didn’t he get preference because he was family? “I thought you said you needed servers.” 

 

“I do, but I also hired another girl, she’s got six years experience and barely needed any training.” Gabe shrugged, looking sheepish. “I’m sorry, Cas, I was gonna tell you later, but…” 

 

“Are you _firing_ me?” The look of disbelief turned into a glare. “Seriously, Gabriel?” 

 

“Cas, I gotta do what’s right for my business, not what’s right for you-.” 

 

“Fuck you, Gabriel,” he snapped back coldly. “You did this on purpose, didn’t you? To teach me a lesson for doing what I did. Just fuck you.” 

 

He yanked the apron off and threw it on the ground, despite the gesture being childish. Gabriel opened his mouth to protest, but Castiel stormed out of the restaurant and back to his car before he could. He didn’t need to hear what his brother had to say. 

 

Sam had said Dean was asleep, but that didn’t stop him from calling his cell anyway. 

 

xxx

_November 2003_

 

After sobering up and suffering through the _worst_ hangover he could ever have imagined, Castiel found himself walking toward his apartment, knowing full well he would have to confront Dean. 

 

Needless to say, he wasn’t looking forward to it. 

 

The walk felt overly long and by the time he reached their door, his legs felt like jelly and he wanted to collapse on the welcome mat, but it was much too cold for that. So, Castiel fished out his keys and let himself into the apartment. It was quiet, save for the TV playing in low volume, where Dean was stretched out on the couch asleep. Castiel could just make out Dean’s feet hanging over the arm. 

 

He slammed the door a lot harder than necessary. 

 

Dean startled awake; so much that he almost fell off the couch completely. “Shit! Cas, you scared the hell outta me.” 

 

“Good,” he replied. 

 

Dean groaned and turned to face the back of the couch and him. “You’re still mad?” 

 

“ _Yes_.” 

 

Of course he was still mad, why _wouldn’t_ he still be mad? Dean had hurt his feelings the night before, refusing to come out of the closet, even though he’d lived there his whole life. All he wanted was to have Dean as _his_ , in public situations. In his opinion, it wasn’t asking too much. 

 

“Cas, you just don’t _get_ it.” Dean stood up and began to climb over the couch instead of walking around it. He rolled his eyes and stormed off toward the kitchen. “I can’t just come out! It’s not that fuckin’ easy… and I didn’t sleep around on you, okay?!” 

 

He felt Dean join him, pressing close, which was not welcome. “Dean, go away.” 

 

“Cas, c’mon, don’t be mad-.” 

 

“I have a _right_ to be angry!” He looked up at him with squinted eyes. “Don’t tell me I do not.” 

 

“You make it sound so easy, Cas,” Dean whined, staring at him helplessly. “But it’s _not_. If my dad ever found out-.” 

 

“Your father is _dead_ , Dean,” he replied quietly. “And you are _more_ than your father’s son. You’re more than that.” 

 

Dean looked away, going to stand by the counter, his hands braced against it so tightly, he was surprised when Dean didn’t pop something out of place. “I’m not,” he said stubbornly. “I’m not more than him, Cas. I’m just like him.” 

 

“ _No,_ you’re not! You don’t hit your brother and you don’t hit me. You _care_ about your brother, you love him.” Castiel reached forward to spin Dean around by the elbow. “Don’t you?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Then you’re already lightyears ahead of your father.” 

 

“I just… I’m not ready, Cas. What if my friends found out… what if..” 

 

“ _So_? Dean, if your _friends_ care so much about you being gay, then you need new friends.” 

 

“I’m not gay,” came Dean’s stubborn reply. 

 

Castiel threw his hands up into the air. That was _always_ Dean’s reply. It was like listening to a broken record. “I give up, Dean.” 

 

“Cas, please, don’t do this. Don’t do this to me, damn it. Don’t you fucking do this.” 

 

There were tears in Dean’s voice and when he looked up he could see the green shimmering like stars. Seeing Dean cry made his heart break. “I didn’t mean to make you cry, Dean.” 

 

Dean’s face twisted into an angry mask and he wiped the tears away. “You got no right to judge me, Cas,” he growled before going to leave the kitchen. “It’s not like you walked outta your mama queer and loud about it.” 

 

Castiel sighed as Dean stormed out to the living room. Soon, the volume was turned up, and Castiel knew they’d be sleeping separately later. 

 

 

xxx

Dean startled awake when he realized his phone was buzzing against the table by his bed. He reached for it tiredly, taking a moment to process the name and number. It was Cas. 

 

“Yeah?” he answered, trying not to sound like he’d been given enough sleeping meds to put a bull elephant down. 

 

“Dean?”

 

“Mmhm.” 

 

“I’m sorry to wake you, I just needed to talk and-...” Castiel trailed off. 

 

Dean attempted to sit up so he could pay closer attention. “Talk and what?” 

 

“I just remember how it used to be so easy with you.” Castiel sniffed and Dean was immediately on alert. “Talking that is.” 

 

He half smiled. “Yeah, I remember that too, Cas. What’s wrong?” 

 

“I got a job working for Gabriel-.” 

 

“I thought you were bein’ a big shot on stage?” he asked, frowning as he tried to fight falling back asleep. It was like a black ocean, ready to yank him back under at any moment. 

 

“Well, I was with a troupe, but I left early so I could come with you- but it's okay, Dean. It’s just, I thought I’d get this job working for Gabriel and things would be fine again…” Once again, Castiel trailed off and Dean tried not to snap at him to get to the point. 

 

“Cas, I’m ‘bout to drift off if you don’t keep me awake and stimulated,” he muttered, his eyes slowly shutting. 

 

“He _fired_ me, Dean. I can’t even believe this fucking happened. What the hell am I supposed to do now? I have _bills_ , you know? I’ve got fucking things to pay for!” 

 

“Mm.” 

 

“Are you listening?” 

 

“Cas, I’ve been given enough pain pills to stop an elephant, okay? I ain't exactly prime to listen.” 

 

Castiel paused and Dean barely heard him curse and yell at someone else on the road. He sighed and shifted to sit up some more.

 

“I’m sorry, Dean, I know you’re tired,” Castiel said. “How are you, though? Otherwise?” 

 

As soon as Cas said the words, Dean frowned and realized how strange it felt to talk to him as if nothing had ever happened to them. As if he hadn’t left Cas after Cas had proposed they get married. It suddenly felt so _odd_. 

 

Wrong, even. 

 

“Cas,” he whispered. 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Don’t call.” 

 

There was a long pause. “What?”

 

“I said,” he cleared his throat and tried to speak louder, “Don’t call.” 

 

“But Sam said you wanted to see me-.” 

 

“I did… But, Cas, you just told me you gave up your fucking dream for this shit. That’s not healthy or normal and we shouldn’t _be_ together if that’s what’s happening. Don’t call, Cas. Go live your damn _life_.” 

 

“Dean-.” 

 

“Good bye, Cas.” He hung up before Castiel could say anything else and he slowly focused on his phone, clicking on Cas’ contact information. Clicking delete was one of the hardest things he’d done in a long time. 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Sam’s cough had grown worse and the doctors were worried. 

 

Dean could see that when they looked at him, as if he were going to be in trouble or he already _was_ in trouble. It was strange to have so many people attending him on hand and foot, even if he hated the hospital and being in it. 

 

The food sucked, the nurses weren’t as hot as Hollywood portrayed them to be, and the whole place smelled like death covered by antiseptic. 

 

“Good morning,” Dr. Tran said as he came in. “Good to see you so alert. Better than you’ve been in days. That’s great.” 

 

“To be honest, Doc, I got no idea how long I’ve been here,” he said with a helpless shrug. “What day am I on?” 

 

“Well, you’re doing pretty good, you’re roughly on day eight. So, the first week went well, which is _great_.” Dr. Tran gave him a thumbs up as he began to make notes on Dean’s chart. “We’re still keeping a close eye on your white blood count, which is still lower than we’d like to see.” 

 

“Is Sam okay?” he asked. “You guys threw him outta here.” 

 

“Yes, we did.” Dr. Tran made a final note and put his chart back. “We did that for your own safety, your white blood count is, as I said, still low. That opens you up for infections.” 

 

“Well, how is Sam? Is he okay?” 

 

He knew that worrying about Sam should have been the _last_ thing on his mind, since he was lying in a hospital bed battling leukemia. But, Sam had been his entire life and it made him feel _normal_ , worrying about Sam. 

 

“We have a few nurses keeping an eye on him, just to see what’s going on. He has a sore throat and headaches. But you just worry about you.” Dr. Tran gave him a stern look, but it wasn’t all that intimidating. “Deal?”

 

Dean sighed. “I guess,” he replied. “I still wanna be updated on how he’s doin’. _Deal_?” 

 

Dr. Tran sighed and nodded. “I’ll keep you updated.” 

 

“Good… Also, what’s the likelihood I could get somethin’ to eat? I’m starvin’ over here.” 

 

“Soon.” 

 

“Ugh.” Dean sighed and turned on the TV, losing interest in hearing what the doctor had to say. 

 

There wasn’t anything on, except for soap operas and terrible reality TV game shows. He ended up on a soap opera, because despite what people thought about him, Dean loved his daytime stories. He and Bobby had watched their bad soaps together, and he’d felt no shame in it. 

 

Of course, it was a rerun. It was the episode that Tabby met Josh’s brother for the first time. Dean snorted at the way Tabby had dressed herself, completely stuffy and trying to look her best. That was way too close to how _he’d_ dressed the first time he’d met Cas’ brother. 

 

xxx

_November 2003 - Thanksgiving_

 

“You really didn’t have to dress that nicely,” Castiel said as Dean continued to tug on his collar. They were just going to Gabriel’s place, but Dean had insisted he look nice to meet Gabriel. 

 

“I wanna look nice, Cas,” Dean replied gruffly. 

 

“Why? It’s not like we’re dating, right?” he snapped, probably too harshly as he rang the doorbell. 

 

When Dean didn’t say anything, Castiel knew he’d more or less won that round, and Dean just stared at his shoes. The door opened soon after he knocked, and Gabriel stood in its place. He looked clear and well kept, which was _odd._

 

“Wow, Gabe, you look… normal,” Castiel said in surprise. “You look _nice_. What’s up with the collared shirt and slacks?” 

 

Gabriel coughed and punched him in the arm. “Shut up, nerd,” he snapped back with a blush. “For your information I got a friend over.” 

 

“A friend or a _friend_?” 

 

Gabriel stuck his tongue out. “Her name is Kali and if you embarrass me, I’m gonna pay you back _so_ hard.” Finally, Gabriel turned his eyes on Dean. “Who’s this?” 

 

“Dean. A friend,” Castiel replied quickly. 

 

“A friend,” Gabriel said, “or a _friend_?” 

 

“Just friend,” Dean replied gruffly. 

 

“A friend who dresses up to meet the brother?” Gabe asked with a snort. “Uh _huh_. Whatever, get in here ya queers.” 

 

Castiel snorted and stepped inside, followed by Dean, who was so red he practically matched his maroon dress shirt. “So, Kali, huh?” 

 

“Yeah,” Gabriel said with a self conscious cough. “Please, Cas, I actually like her and stuff-.” 

 

It was interesting to hear Gabriel beg him to be nice, since Gabe was _never_ nice to his dates. But, he supposed, this time Gabriel was serious and needing a non embarrassing evening. It was an interesting exchange of power. 

 

“You don’t have to ask me twice,” Castiel said with a small smile. 

 

“ _Thank_ you… and I promise not to ask which one of you pitches and the other catches.” Gabriel smiled smugly and then he left them alone in the living room. 

 

Castiel snorted and turned around to kiss Dean once. “I guess he can’t tell you pitch and I-.” 

 

“ _Cas_ ,” Dean said, pressing him back a little. 

 

“What?” Castiel looked around as if he were expecting a ninja to jump out from behind a staircase or closed door. “Do you really think Gabriel cares about you being gay?” 

 

“I’m not-.” 

 

“Dean, you let me suck your dick and you fuck me in the ass,” Castiel said seriously. “You call me a slut while you do me. You’re gay.” 

 

Dean looked away. “Cas, stop.” 

 

He sighed, feeling fed up already. “Can we just be civil today? Please? I want my brother to like you.” 

 

“Well, if he doesn’t, that’s not my problem-.” 

 

“It _is_. Don’t you want him to like you?” He searched Dean’s face, even if Dean were hardly looking him in the eye. Maybe Dean didn’t care if Gabe liked him and what did _that_ mean? 

 

“You guys coming?” Gabriel asked, making Dean startle and yank away as if he’d been pricked with a needle. “You okay over there?” 

 

“Yeah,” Dean replied as he rubbed the back of his neck. “We’re coming.” 

 

Castiel sighed and stomped off toward the dining room. A beautiful brunette, darker skinned woman was already sitting at the table, her black hair in beautiful ringlets, and she perked up a little as they walked in. 

 

“You must be, Castiel,” she said as soon as they walked in. “Gabriel has told me _so_ much about you.” 

 

Castiel smiled a little. “Yeah, I’m Cas. Are you Kali?” 

 

“Yes.” Kali smiled as they all took a seat at the table. “Who’s your friend?” 

 

“This is Dean.” Castiel reached over to touch Dean’s arm, but Dean shifted out of his touch. He wanted to snap at Dean, to tell him to just relax, but Gabriel was talking and interrupting his thought. 

 

“Kali’s practically royalty in India,” Gabriel said proudly with a large smile. 

 

“I am _not_ ,” she replied with a roll of her eyes. 

 

“Aw, c’mon, babe,” Gabe said as he reached over to take her hand. “Tell Cas how you own your own company and you’re all expanding to the States. She’s a CEO.” 

 

“And you’re dating my brother?” Castiel asked, unable to stop himself. “My condolences. There must be slim pickings in India.” 

 

Kali smirked and Gabriel kicked him in the shin so hard Cas felt the pain radiate up to his knee. 

 

“I am dating your brother,” she replied with real affection in her voice. “And I’m happy about it. Gabriel’s such a _real_ man.” 

 

“You hear that?” Gabriel said with a proud smile. “I’m a _real_ man.” 

 

“How long have you two been dating?” Kali asked, gesturing between him and Dean. 

 

Dean coughed and choked on the water he’d attempted to drink. “Whoa-.” 

 

“Since our sophomore year,” Castiel replied stubbornly, not letting Dean cover up this time. “Dean’s still in the closet.” 

 

“And that doesn’t bother you?” Kali asked, her eyebrows raising. “Well, I commend you for such dedication, Castiel. You should count yourself lucky, Dean, most people in today’s world would not be so patient.” 

 

Dean continued to redden and he glowered at his glass. He had nothing to say, so Castiel continued, “I’m helping him come out. It’ll be soon, I can feel it. He’s made so much progress-.” 

 

“ _Stop_ talking about me like I'm not even here, Cas,” Dean growled. “Just shut up.” 

 

“Hey,” Gabriel said slowly. “Watch your mouth before I knock your teeth in. I’m the only one who gets to tell Cas to shut up.” 

 

Castiel glanced down at his empty plate. “You need help getting the food, Gabe?” 

 

“Yeah...” Gabriel frowned. “C’mon, Cas.” 

 

Castiel stood up, glancing at Dean who was ignoring him, before stomping off toward the kitchen. It was odd to see a real turkey, waiting to be carved. They’d always been a low maintenance Thanksgiving family, at least when Michael wasn’t involved. 

 

“Cas,” Gabriel said, grabbing his shoulder to turn him around. “The hell is going on with you two?” 

 

“Nothing-.” 

 

“Yeah, no _shit_.” Gabriel frowned. “I wanna punch him in the nose. He always talk to you like that?” 

 

“Not _always_.” Castiel tried to think of a time when Dean wasn’t so snippy and rude. It was growing more and more difficult to come up with those kinds of times. “He’s just sensitive.” 

 

“He’s a dick.” 

 

“I love him, Gabriel.” 

 

“He _doesn’t_ love you!” Gabriel said, much too loudly. 

 

Castiel flinched, glanced toward the dining room, and then settled for looking at the turkey. “I know,” he whispered. 

 

There was an awkward pause where neither of them knew what to say. Gabriel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You can carry the stuffing out.” 

 

He nodded. “Okay.”

 

It was easier to just not talk about it. 

 

xxx

Dean’s favorite soap opera was on. 

 

Castiel stared at the TV feeling exhausted and empty, which was how he had been feeling for a week. After Gabe had fired him, he’d given up and just decided to lay on his couch and barely move at all. He’d been fired and Dean had told him not to call. It was a giant mess of bullshit. 

 

Bullshit on top of bullshit. 

 

Tabby was meeting Josh’s brother for the first time and it was _not_ going well. She kept cutting Josh off and was a total bitch. Cas snorted and realized he was turning into Dean. Soap operas had never been his cup of tea, but he supposed he could see the appeal. They were so damn relatable, if not terribly dramatic. 

 

But he supposed this particular episode was more relatable than the others. 

 

For starters, Cas knew how Josh felt - Dean used to do those things to him. Interrupt him, ignore him, talk over him sometimes. He also knew what it was like to have an awkward first familial evening. 

 

The first time Dean had met Gabe it hadn’t gone particularly well. 

 

xxx

_November 2003 - Thanksgiving_

 

He’d really messed up. 

 

Cas was completely silent on the way home and Dean didn’t know what to do or say. The entire dinner he’d been awkward or mean to Cas. He’d told Cas to shut up - it had been _awful_. 

 

It had been so awful he hadn’t even enjoyed the pie. Cherry pie, too. 

 

“Cas,” he said slowly. “I wanna apologize for being a rude ass.” 

 

Castiel didn’t respond, still only staring out the window. 

 

“Baby, please?” Dean glanced in the rearview, before abruptly pulling over. “I’m _sorry_.” 

 

“I want to go home, Dean. I’m tired.” 

 

“Cas…” Dean sighed, unbuckling his seatbelt to slide over and press close, timidly touching the back of Cas’ neck and head. He loved the soft spot right on the crown of Cas’ skull - he loved to rub it in little circles. “I know I messed up, but I wanna make up for it.”

 

Castiel finally looked over at him, looking unimpressed. “Dean, I’m very tired and-.” 

 

He shut Cas up with a kiss. That earned him a slap right on the face. He flinched and pulled back with a glare. “Cas-.” 

 

“Shut up,” Castiel hissed before he leaned forward and kissed him again, crawling all over his lap. Dean grunted as he was pushed back against the door. 

 

They were breathing quick and sliding their hands over each other’s clothes, trying to unzip and unbutton clumsily in the dark. Dean panted while Cas began to rub their bulges together. It was too hot and too claustrophobic in the car, especially the front seat. His skin felt as if it were on fire, and Cas’ eyes were the cool pool of water he wanted to dive into. 

 

Dean eventually got his fly open and Cas’ pants down to his thighs. “Right here?” he panted. 

 

Castiel nodded. “Yes.” 

 

“Baby-.” 

 

“Right _here_ , Dean.” 

 

He nodded and pressed his fingers along Cas’ lips until Cas took them in and began to suck on two of them hungrily. He groaned at the sensation, wanting Cas’ mouth further down, but for now he would settle for on his fingers. A smile slid across his lips as Cas continued to suck as if his fingers _were_ his cock. 

 

“Cas, you’re so sexy,” he whispered. “C’mon, Baby, gimme my fingers back.” 

 

Castiel finally let them go with a wet pop. “I hope those are going- _ah_!” He cried out as Dean began to rub his rim and slide them in nice and slow. “Oh, _yes_.” 

 

Dean smirked and gently pumped his fingers in and out until Cas began to open up sloppily. “Such a sexy fox,” he muttered before pressing a third finger in slow and gentle. Castiel moaned loudly, his head tilting back to reveal a long and sensuous neck. 

 

“ _Mmm_ , Dean, I want you to fuck me. Right here. In the car.” Castiel stared at him with hooded eyes. “Please.” 

 

“Well, since you said _please_ ,” he replied before stroking his cock a few times, to get it slick, and start to slide up into Cas’ heat. The way Cas’ hole gripped his cock made him groan and rock his hips slow to savor the sensation. It felt so _good_ and dirty. 

 

Especially dirty. 

 

“ _Fuck_ , Cas, I’m gonna blow already,” he panted, even as he blushed and tried to stave his orgasm. 

 

“Not-yet-,” Castiel panted as he began to bounce Dean faster and harder. “Not- until- I- come-.” 

 

Dean gritted his teeth and tried to focus on not finishing. His mind wandered to things that weren’t sexy, but it didn’t stay focused long. Cas was too hot, the way he bounced and whimpered, and the windows grew steamy. 

 

If a cop came by, there would be _no_ denying they were two guys having sex. 

 

“Cas- _Cas_ ,” Dean felt his voice break off into a whine as he came, filling Cas up hot and full. “Shit!” Castiel continued to ride him in an attempt to get off, so Dean reached in between them to jerk Cas’ cock fast and hard, until he spilled over his hand. “That’s it, Baby, that’s it-.” 

 

Castiel whimpered and fell limp against his chest, breathing hard. “Fuck,” he hissed, but it wasn’t his usual satisfied sigh. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Dean panted. 

 

“Let’s just go home, Dean.” 

 

Dean flinched and shut his eyes. “Okay… Okay.” 

 

 

xxx

Dean glanced over at his phone and wondered if he should call Cas. 

 

But he didn’t. 

 

xxx

 

Castiel stared at the phone sitting on the table and wished Dean would call. 

 

But he didn’t. 

 

xxx

 

_December 2003_

 

Dean had gone home for Christmas and while Castiel had wanted to go with him, to finally meet Bobby Singer and his brother Sam, Dean had not invited him. He hadn’t even known Dean was leaving until the day of him packing. _That_ had been his warning. 

 

Now, he was sitting home alone on the couch on Christmas Eve, watching the snow drift down through the window, and wishing Dean was there with him. They could have snuggled on the couch and opened gifts together in the morning. But Dean wasn’t there with him and he felt lonely.

 

 Lost. 

 

Was it wrong to want to spend Christmas with his boyfriend? They’d finally made up after their blowout, and he’d even told Dean he understood why he was still in the closet. He was willing to give Dean some more time to adjust. He loved Dean that much. 

 

His cell phone chirped. 

 

Moving slow, Castiel reached over to see what and who it was. 

 

_1 New Message_

 

Flipping the phone open, Castiel saw it was from Dean. He smiled to himself. 

 

_merry xmas xoxo_

 

Castiel grinned and decided to call Dean instead. It would be better to hear his voice, anyway. 

 

“Hey, Cas,” came Dean’s smooth voice. 

 

“Hello, Dean.” 

 

“I’ve been thinkin’ about you,” Dean said. 

 

“Same… I miss you, Dean. I wish you were here or I was there.” He sighed and continued to stare out the window. The snow looked so peaceful as it blanketed the world outside. The campus looked like a snowglobe. He wanted to go build snow angels. 

 

“I know,” Dean replied quietly. “I wanted to apologize for just takin’ off. I wasn’t gonna, but then Bobby told me to get my ass to South Dakota ASAP. So, here I am. Here and not there.” 

 

“Are you having fun at least?” he asked. 

 

“Yeah, Sam and Bobby are makin’ cookies. What are you doin?” 

 

“I’m just watching the snow.” He put his head down along his arm on the couch. “I might go make a snow angel.” 

 

Dean chuckled. “Do it, baby.” 

 

“Bring me some cookies?” he asked with a shy smile. Talking to Dean over the phone almost felt like flirting. It was sweet and fun, if not a bit disappointing. He would rather flirt in person. 

 

“Sure, I’ll bring some back.” 

 

“I’m gonna go make a snow angel, Dean.” 

 

“Okay. See you when I get back.” 

 

Castiel took a breath and held back the desire to say the l word. “Merry Christmas, Dean. Drive safe.”

 

“You too, Cas.” 

 

Slowly, Castiel hung up and set the phone down on the nightstand. Standing up, he went to pull on his trench coat and snow boots, even though he was only in light sweats. They lived on the first floor, which was convenient, he realized as he headed outside to drop down onto a soft snow bank. 

 

The snow felt like a powdery and cold pillow. It took the breath from his lungs. The sky was a white and gentle flurry while his legs and arms began to pump back and forth to make the angel. 

 

Everything slowed down as he thought on Dean and what they were. How long they’d been together. Almost a whole year, he realized with a little smile. Ten months they’d been together - ten months he’d been Dean’s secret. 

 

Hot tears began to flood behind closed eyelids and slowly leak their way free. Tiny and painful ravines sliding down his face. Living like a dirty secret was not how he’d pictured his college experience. But falling in love with Dean Winchester was not how he’d pictured it either. 

 

Falling in love had been so easy. 

 

They’d spent many nights in bed together, they’d even had sex in Dean’s car more than once. And though Dean never took him on public dates, they sometimes ate their meals together at restaurants, under the guise of being friends but they both knew better. Dean bought him gifts and they texted each other all the time. 

 

Loving Dean was not easy. 

 

Loving Dean was like being strapped to a flaming comet. The burn hurt so much sometimes, all he wanted to do was walk away, but he couldn’t because he was addicted to the pain. Dean made him a better person and he was fairly certain _he_ made Dean a better person too. And he had faith Dean would come out eventually. Then, they could be relaxed and happy. 

 

Castiel stopped pumping his arms and legs. The cold began to set in and he realized his body was shaking and shivering. As he stood up, he almost stepped on the angel and ruined it. Jumping away, he hurried back inside to get warm again. 

 

By morning, the angel was gone and he was still alone on Christmas. 

 

 

 

xxx

 

_“Cas, I’m worried about you. Please, call me back? Let’s talk about your job? I could use you as a… a something. I dunno! We’ll figure it out. Call me back. Love you.”_

 

Castiel deleted Gabriel’s voicemail with a firm stab on the phone’s screen. 

 

Gabe had been calling him everyday for two weeks and he was tired of the messages. He’d already deleted twenty and there still too many to go through. Noodles was staring at him from the cat condo and Chevy was busy playing with a dust bunny. 

 

At least the cats were happy. 

 

Not that they would _be_ happy much longer if he didn’t get a damn job so he could keep on feeding them. 

 

But it was too hard to get up and do anything other than lie on the couch and watch TV. It was a lot easier to do _nothing_. Dean didn’t want to see him and Gabe didn’t want to help him work. It was a cycle of evil that he couldn’t climb out of. 

 

More than anything he wanted to call Dean and talk to him again. He wanted to curl up and hear Dean sing him to sleep. He wanted Dean’s arms around him just like when they were younger and they’d been happy together. What they’d used to have was better than the nothing they had now. 

 

xxx

“I just want to see my brother, alright?!” 

 

Dean could hear Sam yelling at the doctors and nurses in the hall. It hurt that Sam couldn’t see him, just because of a stupid little cough. 

 

“I’m _fine_! I’m not sick, _please_ , let me see my brother!” 

 

Dean pressed the _Call nurse_ button and waited for his to walk in. “I want to see Sam,” he said as soon as she entered the room. “Please.” There were tears in his eyes, which made his voice quiver. 

 

He had no father and he had no mother. The only person he had left was Sam. He _needed_ Sam. 

 

“I’m sorry,” she said with a guilty glance at the door. “I can’t let him in here without permission from the doctor. It’s too dangerous. You could die.”  

 

Dean glanced over at the window as his tears began to fall down his face. He didn’t want to die by himself. The longer he stayed in the hospital, even with good news, he worried he’d die. He worried he would die all alone, without Sam and without Cas. 

 

“Am I gonna die?” he asked, his voice so close to cracking. 

 

“No,” she said, walking over to touch his hand in comfort. “You’re doing _great_. We just have to keep your room safe and clean, okay? Once Sam is cleared by the doctor, he can come in. That should be very soon. I know it’s lonely in here.” 

 

He gulped and nodded. “Sorry,” he whispered, wiping his eyes. “I dunno why I keep thinkin’ I’m gonna die, it’s stupid.” 

 

“It’s normal.” 

 

“You promise he can come in here soon?” 

 

She nodded. “Yes.” 

 

“Okay.” Dean picked up his phone and slowly unlocked it so he could play a game. 

 

However, he ended up on Facebook stalking Cas’ pictures instead. It was an easy rabbit-hole to fall down into. 

 

xxx

_January 2004_

 

The presents under the tree were mocking him the longer they stayed wrapped. Castiel was almost tempted to open up Dean’s gifts just to have something to do. He’d searched under the tree for gifts addressed to him and hadn’t found any. Not that Christmas was about gifts. 

 

But that didn’t mean he wasn’t disappointed. 

 

Castiel sighed and sunk lower on the couch until he was half on the floor and half pressed into the cushions. He’d hoped Dean would have least bought him a gift, something silly, something sentimental, or stupid. Anything really. 

 

There was nothing under that fucking tree for him. 

 

His normally calm and pleasant demeanor was quickly changing as his eyes narrowed at the tree and tension began to bubble under his skin. His hands balled into fists and there was sweat starting to form along his forehead and brow as he stood up and glared at the stupid tree he’d picked out with Dean. 

 

\---

 

_“Cas, can we_ please _pick out a tree already? I’m tired… My legs hurt, my feet hurt, and I just want to get a tree and go_ home _,” Dean moaned as he continued to inspect every tree he came across._

 

_“It has to be perfect, Dean.”_

 

_“I know, baby, and I want it to be perfect too, but the kind of tree I’m used to is made of pine tree air fresheners, so any tree is the perfect one.” Dean leaned against a larger tree with a large yawn._

 

_Castiel blinked and spun around to face him. “What do you mean?”_

 

_“I mean… I’m used to a tree made of pine air fresheners?” Dean shrugged. “It’s no biggie, that’s just how I grew up.”_

 

_“Well, that’s just_ awful _.” Castiel came to stand in front of a tree that was not too big, but also not so small that it was more of a sapling than a tree. “_ This _one, this is it. This is the one.”_

 

_“This?” Dean asked as he came to stand shoulder to shoulder with him._

 

_“Yes, don’t you like it?”_

 

_“Yeah, I like it. I just want to make sure_ this _is the one you want.”_

 

_“Yes, Dean. I love it.”_

 

_“Then this is the one you’re gonna get.” Dean’s face slowly began to stretch into a warm and boyish smile._

 

_Castiel smiled and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “Okay, big strong man, let’s take it home.”_

 

\---

 

They’d brought the tree home and used the decorations Castiel had stored in the green and red tote. They’d then gone out and picked out a few ornaments together to commemorate their first Christmas spent living together. But now, Dean was gone and their first Christmas had not been together. He glared at the tree and was ready to knock the whole thing over; to pick it up and chuck it outside, but it was too heavy and some of the ornaments he knew were not replaceable. 

 

Hot, angry tears filled his eyes and made the world swim as if it had turned to water. One of the ornaments they’d picked out together was one of those ones where names and years could be added. They’d picked out one that had two cats with their tails intertwined. Dean had made a joke about how they could write Chevy and Noodles on the ornament and it would still work. 

 

 

❤ _Dean & Cas 2003_ ❤

_1st Xmas Together_

 

Castiel glared at the stupid ornament with the silly, happy cats that were clearly friends or in love. He’d picked it out and Dean had agreed that it was perfect for them. It was just a mockery of what he’d thought they had. He yanked it off the tree and threw it hard against the wall. It shattered into several pieces and scattered across the living room. 

 

“Stupid tree,” he growled, “stupid Christmas, stupid-.” 

 

The door opened and Dean practically tripped through. “Fuck,” he cursed as he fell through the doorway and into the house. “Jesus, it’s cold. Hey, Cas.” 

 

The anger whooshed out of his body in a rush and Castiel turned to stare at him. “You’re home,” he said, surprised. 

 

“Yep,” Dean replied with a flushed smile. “Sorry, my foot got stuck in the snow. I brought cookies. You said you wanted so-.” He cut off when hie boot crunched on a piece of the ornament. “What the hell?” 

 

“Oh no,” he whispered before rushing over to fall on the ground and desperately picked up the pieces of the ornament. “No, no, no.” 

 

“Cas?” Dean slid down onto the ground with him. “Baby, what happened?” 

 

“I-... I was mad,” he sobbed as the tears started to fall down his face. “I was mad and I threw it- Oh, God, Dean I’m _sorry_.” 

 

Dean frowned as his hand slid to touch Cas’ shoulder. “Cas,” he whispered. “Why were you mad?” 

 

“Because _you_ weren’t here!” he snapped. “You weren’t here and I had no gifts under the tree!” The pieces fell to the ground as he covered his face in shame. “And I’m sorry.” 

 

“Cas…” Dean sighed and wrapped his arms around to pull him close. “You _do_ have a present from me. It’s just not under the tree. I knew your stupid butt couldn’t wait to open it, so I put it in the closet.” 

 

Castiel pulled back to stare at him. “You- you _what_?”

  
Dean laughed and kissed him. “You heard me- _Hey_ , Furry Butt.” Noodles had wandered over to investigate, shoving in between them to meow and paw at Dean, which only made him sneeze. All over the cat. 

 

Castiel smirked a little when Noodles paused his meowing to glare. “So, can I have my present now?” 

 

“Yeah. And I think I can fix this.” Dean picked up the ornament pieces. “Just need some super glue.” 

 

“I’m _so_ sorry.” Castiel squished Noodles between them in a hug. “Merry Christmas, Dean.” 

 

Dean smiled and kissed his temple. “Merry Christmas, Cas.” 

 

xxx

Waking up to someone knocking on his door over and over again was not exactly the way he’d _wanted_ to wake up, but he supposed it should have been expected. Gabe’s muffled voice was quick to follow the knocks. 

 

“Cas, open up, before I call the cops or somethin.” 

 

Sighing, Castiel hauled himself upright and forcibly dragged himself to the door to pull it open. “What, Gabriel?” 

 

“You _are_ alive. Jesus, I’ve been calling and calling!” Gabriel wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug. “God, I was _worried_ , Cas!” 

 

Castiel patted Gabriel’s back awkwardly. “Why?” 

 

“Why- _Why_? Because you weren’t answering my calls or my texts! You get shitty news from Dean and then I-... Cas, I was worried.” Gabriel took a step back to inspect him. “Well, you don’t look _too_ bad. Could use a shower, though.”

 

“Well, I feel like shit, so…” He shrugged. 

 

“Have you been taking your medication?” 

 

Oh. Right. Those. 

 

“I forgot,” he said with a passive shrug. 

 

“Cas, c’mon.” Gabriel forced him back inside. “Where are your pills?” 

 

“Bathroom.” 

 

Castiel watched as Gabe looked around his apartment, which was a lot messier than he usually left it. The cats were meowing for food, so he walked out to the kitchen while Gabe went to the bathroom. The depression was getting bad again, probably close to how bad he’d been after Dean had dumped him the first time. 

 

At least he didn’t feel suicidal this time. 

 

“Aha!” he heard Gabriel call. “Found ‘em!” 

 

Castiel rolled his eyes and poured some cat food into Noodles’ bowl and then into Chevy’s. They stared at him in confusion. “Learn to fend for yourself, Chevy,” he replied before walking over to lie down on the couch again. 

 

Gabriel came back with a pill and a glass of water. “Okay, Cas, let’s do the airplane thing and get this pill down.” 

 

“I’m fine-.” 

 

“Cas, your apartment is a mess, your cats are eating together in the same room, your bathroom needs cleaned, you haven’t showered in God knows how long, and you probably desperately need groceries.” Gabriel sat down on the coffee table across from the couch, looking sad and lost. “You’re not fine.” 

 

He held out his hand for the pill, sitting up just enough to swallow it and a drink of water. “Happy?” 

 

“Yes.”

 

“It’s just… easier to lay here,” he whispered. 

 

“Have you paid your rent?” Gabriel got up to go through Cas’ mail. “Cas, you gotta pay this-.” 

 

“I’m broke.” 

 

“I’ll lend you the money.” 

 

“Gabe, _no_.” He sat up to look over at Gabriel going through the envelopes on his table. “No, don’t.” 

 

“Cas, I don’t want you to get evicted.” He pointed to the cats. “Furry babies need a roof.” 

 

Castiel looked over at Noodles, who was eating Chevy’s food, while poor Chevy stood off to the side looking sad. That was enough to kick him into gear and make him stand up, walk over, and lightly push Noodles to the side with his foot - not a real kick, just a nudge to make the bigger cat move. 

 

“Go on, Chevy.” 

 

Chevy looked up at him gratefully, while he ate his breakfast, and then Cas picked Noodles up to hold him. “ _Bad_ ,” he said sternly. Noodles just glared and then protested being held by squealing and trying to wriggle away. 

 

Gabriel gave him a little proud smile. “That’s my boy,” he said. “C’mon, let’s get you showered, shaved, and eating something healthy.” 

 

 

xxx

_February 2004 - 1 Year anniversary_

 

Their anniversary was strange, since they hadn’t really gotten together in a conventional manner. They’d hooked up after his dad had beaten the snot out of him, which he supposed was how it was meant to happen. 

 

It still felt weird. 

 

He also didn’t know what to get Cas, since he was fairly certain presents were common for anniversaries. Cas liked cats, bees, the color green, the color blue, and sweaters. He wasn’t an extremely complicated person, but Dean wanted the gift to be _perfect_. 

 

There were many ways he could mess up their relationship, but a bad gift on their anniversary was not the way he wanted it to go. Which was why he was standing in the pet store, staring at the cat toys, wondering if he bought Noodles a gift too if that would make Cas even happier. Noodles was probably Cas’ favorite person - Dean was pretty sure if he could, Cas would sell his soul for his cat to live an immortal life. He loved that cat more than anything else. 

 

“Can I help you find something?” came an overly cheery voice. 

 

Dean glanced to his right to see a pretty brunette girl. However, her smile was screwed on too tight and Dean could see her practically dying behind her eyes. “You really don’t gotta pretend to be happy around me,” he glanced at her name tag, “Krissy. I get it. Retail sucks.” 

 

Her smile fell away immediately and she visibly relaxed. “Can _you_ be my manager?” she asked, glancing at the cat toys. “You don’t really _look_ like a cat person.” 

 

“I’m not,” he replied with a shrug. “It’s for a friend.” 

 

“You have a friend who likes cat toys?” 

 

Dean snorted a laugh and shook his head. “Nah, I got a friend who has a cat and the cat is super important to him.” He paused and picked out a cat teaser that had some fake fish on the end. “It’s, um, our anniversary today.” 

 

“ _Oh_ ,” Krissy said as the realization hit her. “ _That_ kind of friend. Got it.” 

 

Dean blushed and coughed a few times. “So, two for one sale, huh?” he asked as he picked out another toy and then dashed off toward the front. 

 

There were times when he wanted to sleep with a woman to try and prove Cas wrong, that he wasn’t gay, and that he still liked girls. But that would be cheating and while there were many things he would do, cheating he never envisioned to be one of them. That didn’t really stop the fantasy in his head, however. 

 

He imagined taking Krissy to the back stockroom and bending her over a box, pulling her pants and panties down, and pushing in fast and rough just to work through some frustration. The thought made his pants a little too tight, and he was all too happy to get out of the store and back to the car, where he was able to glare at his boner. 

 

He was in a freezing cold, mostly empty parking lot, but he wasn’t about to jerk it just in case there was a kid around. Ignoring the throb in his jeans wasn’t helping either, so Dean found himself parking behind the shopping mall, next to an empty semi, with his dick in hand. 

 

“Fuck,” he growled, trying to picture if Krissy were shaved or not, he was leaning towards _not_. 

 

He imagined how wet she would be wrapped around his cock, and how she’d moan and beg him to go faster and harder. He would oblige her, fucking her as fast as he could. It would feel even better if he didn’t have a condom on. Dean grunted and sped up his hand, pulling at himself roughly until he couldn’t take it anymore, and it was over. 

 

“Krissy!” The name echoed in his ears and there was a blush on his face as he stared at the mess some girl he didn’t know made him make. “Son of a bitch…”

 

Dean used some napkins lying on the floor to clean himself up and then he was tucking away in shame. He wheeled Baby around to drive away as fast as he dared toward one of Cas’ favorite stores. The guilt began to eat at him as he imagined Krissy was probably only eighteen and he’d just fantasized about her in a cold as fuck parking lot. On his and Cas’ anniversary. 

 

The mall was mostly empty, since it was a Wednesday afternoon, so Dean wandered around aimlessly for a while, still unsure of what to get him. It felt wrong that he could pick out a gift just fine for Cas’ cat, but not for Cas himself. 

 

“Dean?”

 

Dean felt his feet freeze to the tacky floor as he heard a voice he hadn’t in awhile. It was still recognizable though. He didn’t even need to turn around to confirm who’d said his name, but he did anyway. “Cain,” he whispered, his eyes growing wide at the sight of his old mentor. 

 

Cain looked just as surprised to see him. He was holding some bags and he was dressed casually in a sweater and a pair of jeans. Dean gulped as he looked him over - he’d grown out his beard more and his dark gray hair was pulled back in a ponytail. The black rimmed glasses on his face made Dean squirm. 

 

“It’s good to see you,” Cain said as he took a few steps forward. 

 

“You left,” Dean said, mimicking Cain by stepping backward. “You left and didn’t even say good bye.” 

 

“I had to leave. I was _asked_ to leave.”

 

Dean looked down as he thought back to their old relationship. His first tutoring meeting had ended with him in orgasm. It had felt wrong at the time, but as it had continued, he’d started to like it. At least, he was pretty sure he’d liked it. He’d gotten help on his papers and gotten off almost every time. 

 

“Yeah,” Dean said quietly. “What you did was wrong.” 

 

Cain looked over at some chairs and gestured. “We should sit.” 

 

He wasn’t sure he wanted to sit and talk to Cain as if he nothing had happened, but he found himself sitting in an armchair anyway. “You took advantage of me,” he said as soon as Cain was sitting and looking at him. “You shouldn’t have-... God, I shouldn’t even be talking to you.” 

 

“You’re right,” Cain replied. “I never should have hurt you, Dean.” 

 

Dean felt his jaw shake and tremble as he remembered how attached he’d gotten to the older man. He’d been so _close_ to Cain; Cain had made him feel safe. “I hate you,” he whispered. 

 

“You have every right to hate me,” Cain replied, his voice its usual quiet tone. “I never should have put my hands on you, Dean.” 

 

“ _Why_?” He asked, looking at Cain with wild eyes. “Why me? Why did you do it to me?” 

 

Cain paused, looking guilty and unsure, which felt strange to Dean. Cain was always so sure and strong and he always knew what to say. “I don’t know, Dean. I wish I had the answer. I wish I could give you closure.” 

 

Dean balled his hands into fists as he fought enraged tears. Cain didn’t deserve to see him cry. “You need help,” he growled. “So you don’t do this to some other poor kid.” 

 

Cain sighed, looking away from him then. “I have a lover at the moment,” he said. “Consensually gained, before you ask.” 

 

Dean bristled. Was he so easily replaced? “Oh.” 

 

“He’s a good boy. Samandriel, is his name. That’s why I’m here. I’m getting him some gifts.” 

 

“For _good_ behavior?” Dean snapped as he remembered his own ‘good behavior’ gifts.

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Ugh.” He stood up and shook his head. “Stay the hell away from me, old man. I don’t wanna see you again. Ever.” Before Cain could protest, Dean stormed off in the opposite direction and took a few turns so he could thoroughly lose himself in the mall’s maze. 

 

As soon as he felt far enough away, Dean sank against a wall, and covered his face, attempting not to cry. It was difficult, and he was sure several people walked passed him and wondered what was wrong with him. He took a few deep breaths and forced himself to start walking again. 

 

He’d come to the mall to buy Cas a gift. But Dean realized that _he_ needed some retail therapy, and was soon pulled into a store he liked instead. He deserved this; he deserved a moment to unwind. Cas’ gift could wait. 

 

 

xxx

_February 2004 - 1 Year Anniversary_

 

“I have to buy him the perfect gift, Ruby,” Castiel said as they stood in the men’s department. There was plenty of plaid and red all around, which he knew Dean would love. 

 

“Just buy him another plaid shirt, he’ll jizz himself,” Ruby replied with a shrug as she held up a shirt in Dean’s size. 

 

“But he _has_ a bunch of plaid shirts,” he argued. 

 

“So? The boy _loves_ plaid. Get him something he loves, Cas. Or buy him hetero porn, he’ll love that too.” 

 

Castiel glared at her before hiding behind a rack of shirts. “Shut up,” he grumbled, uncomfortable with thinking about Dean and women. He wouldn’t mind if Dean were bisexual, but Dean was completely convinced that he was straight. It wasn’t something he liked to think about. 

 

“Sorry,” she replied, even though they both knew she wasn’t. Ruby didn’t like him dating Dean, even if _she_ were the reason they even had ended up together. “Haven’t you already bought him like six gifts, Cas?” 

 

“Just a few things,” he said with a shrug. “I got him that AC/DC CD he wanted and a giftcard to go with the iPod I got him for Christmas and his favorite cologne that he never gets because he says it’s too expensive.” 

 

“AKA: Too Much Shit,” Ruby replied with a roll of her eyes. “You spoil him and what did he even get _you_ for Christmas?” 

 

“He got me a new sweater and for your information, I _like_ it a lot,” Castiel snapped back angrily. It had been a pretty blue sweater that he suddenly wished he was wearing, but it was in the wash with a few others he liked. “It was a very thoughtful gift.”

 

“He spent, what? Twenty dollars on you? And you got him an iPod and a bunch of other shit that I can’t remember?” Ruby shook her head, clearly unimpressed. “I say you dump him and find someone that will spoil you just as much.” 

 

“Ruby, it’s not his fault,” Castiel snapped. “He doesn’t have a lot of money, okay? The fact that he got me a gift at all was very sweet… Sometimes I forget that he doesn’t have a lot of money. Okay? I _loved_ my gift.” 

 

Ruby continued to shake her head. “I think you deserve someone better than him, Cas.” 

 

“I think you should mind your own business.” Castiel plucked a plaid shirt from a rack. “I think he’d like this one.”

 

“Then get it and let’s _go_.” 

 

He sighed. “Why did I bring you again?” 

 

“Because you promised me we’d go get something to eat. I’m starving.” 

 

“ _Fine_.” Castiel glared at her and began to storm off toward the registers to check out. 

 

“ _Thank_ you.” 

 

He didn’t mind that Dean had only bought him a sweater, when he would have bought Dean the entire world if he could. If Dean had the means, Cas _knew_ he’d spoil him rotten. As he was passing some winter coats, Castiel came to an abrupt halt. “ _Wait_ ,” he said, which made Ruby groan dramatically. “I should get him a new coat! His old one is so threadbare, he needs a new one.” 

 

“I swear to God, Cas…” 

 

“Shh.” Castiel began to dig through the racks to find something similar to the one Dean already owned. However, the closest thing he could find to Dean’s leather coat was brown and clearly fake leather. But, it was still heavier than Dean’s, and he figured if he bought Dean this new one, he wouldn’t be so cold all the time. 

 

“I’ll get this one,” he said proudly as he finally walked over to the cash register to pay for the shirt and coat. 

 

“He’s gonna hate it,” Ruby said as he handed over his credit card. “He’s going to hate it and never wear it.” 

 

“Sure he’ll wear it,” Castiel replied. “It’s better than the one he has now.” 

 

“Yeah, but the one he has now is,” she held up a finger, “One - his dad’s old coat.” She held up another finger. “And two - that coat is _real_ leather, not this junky shit.” 

 

Castiel accepted his bags and tried not to glare at Ruby. “He’ll like it, Ruby. Because I thought of how cold he is all the time and how it’s time for him to retire his dad’s coat before it becomes nothing but rags. Okay?” 

 

“Whatever, Cas. Let’s get something to eat.” 

 

Castiel sighed and nodded. Dean would love his new gift, he _would_. Shaking Ruby’s negative vibes away, he followed her back to the car so they could get lunch together. 

 

xxx

_February 2004 - 1 Year Anniversary_

 

Dean was late, which was normal since he was _always_ late, but being late to the anniversary dinner Cas had planned for them didn’t exactly _look_ good. Especially since he was arriving without a gift for Cas, because he’d just plain forgotten. The only thing he had as a gift was a bag of candy that he’d already opened and started to eat. 

 

But it was better than nothing. 

 

Cas was already sitting and waiting for him, bags at his feet. Dean sighed as he realized that once again Cas had outshone him in the gift department. Walking sheepishly up to the table, he sank down across from Cas, who quickly put on a smile. 

 

“Dean, you made it,” he said excitedly. 

 

“I thought we said we’d do the gift exchange at home,” he said quietly, glancing around at the people who were staring at them. 

 

“Oh, there are some gifts for you at home, but this one I just got today, so I wanted to bring to you now. Plus, it’s useful now anyway.” Castiel smiled hugely as he set the bag on the table. “Dean, you’re gonna _love_ it. I just know it!” 

 

Dean accepted the bag and opened it, peering inside. Beneath some tissue paper was a brown coat. He frowned as he slowly pulled it free, feeling the fake material, and then glancing up at Cas to see if it were a joke. Cas’ smile was still huge and happy, so it was definitely not a joke. 

 

“You got me a coat?” Dean asked. 

 

“Yes! Isn’t it great?” Castiel said, clearly happy. “I know the old one you have is just so old and worn out, I passed these on the way out, and just _had_ to get one for you. I hope it fits, I had to guess your size, since I know you like them bigger.” 

 

Dean sighed and put the coat back in the bag. It would be rude for him to ask Cas to take it back, since he’d gone to so much trouble buying it for him. But, Dean hated accepting gifts he didn’t like - it didn’t make _anyone_ happy. 

 

“Cas, look, I appreciate it. I do… I mean, the thought was there… but…” He trailed off, hoping Cas would take the hint. 

 

The smile died on Castiel’s face quickly, which made Dean feel ever guiltier. “You don’t like it,” Castiel said. “But, Dean, your old coat is so… it’s so…” 

 

“I _like_ this one, Cas.” Dean slid the coat off of his body, staring at it fondly. “I know my dad was a royal ass and he wasn’t always good to me, but I do have good memories of him… and this coat reminds me of those good times.” 

 

“But you’re always _cold_ ,” Castiel protested. 

 

“I got layers.” Dean shrugged. “I appreciate the thought, Cas. I _do_. Just next time, ask, okay?” 

 

Castiel looked away, his face souring, and Dean could feel the mood dropping quickly. “Oh,” he said stiffly. 

 

“Cas, c’mon, I’m sure you got plenty of backup gifts. Didn't’ you?” He smiled a little, trying to make Cas smile back, but he didn’t. “You’re an awesome gift-giver, Cas. You really are.” 

 

Castiel sighed and his shoulders slumped. “Yeah, I did,” he admitted. “I just wanted you to like _all_ of them.” 

 

“Well, there’s always gotta be that _one_ that I didn’t, right? It’d be like against the laws of nature to me to like every gift you buy.” 

 

That put a smile on Cas’ face, which made him smile back. “Yeah, I guess,” Castiel agreed. 

 

“Alright. So, let’s get some food, yeah?” 

 

“What’d you get me?” Castiel asked, which made Dean blush and hide behind his menu. 

 

“It’s a surprise,” he replied quickly. 

 

“ _Really_?” 

 

“Yep.” He began to kick himself. “Really, really.” 

 

\---

 

_Think, Dean. Think. What would Cas want that you can buy real fast and real cheap while he beats you home?_

 

He was driving too fast and too recklessly, but he needed to get to a store that Cas liked before they closed. He’d told Cas he had to go pick the gift up, since it was too big to bring into the restaurant. Which was a _lie_. 

 

“Fuck!” he yelled, angrily hitting the top of the steering wheel. He should have just told Cas the truth and gotten it over with, but he hadn’t. He _should_ have told Cas he’d ran into Cain at the mall, and that had been enough to distract him, and make him spend all of his money on himself and not on Cas. 

 

Dean wheeled into a shopping mall strip and scanned the stores for something useful. But most of the shops were closed and the only thing left open was the pet store and the grocery store. Nothing else. He groaned and sank low on the Impala’s seat to stare at the night sky overhead through the windshield. 

 

If only a meteor would fall from the sky and smash into him and the car - not that he wanted _anything_ to happen to Baby, but at least then he wouldn’t have to call Cas and tell him the truth. He sighed and dialed Cas’ number, still slumped low in the seat, feeling ashamed and like a total loser. 

 

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel greeted. “Is everything alright?” 

 

“No,” he said. “I… Cas, I didn't get you a gift.”

 

“I know, Dean.” 

 

He flinched and covered his face with a free hand. “You do?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Oh…” He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “It wasn’t because I didn’t want to-. I went to the mall today to pick something out for you… and then I ran into Cain, and I confronted him, and then after I needed some time to decompress.” 

 

Castiel took in a sharp breath. “Oh, Dean, why didn’t you _say_ so?” 

 

“I was still processing it, I guess. I mean, what are the odds, ya know?” He huffed out a sigh. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” 

 

“You don't have to,” Castiel whispered. 

 

“But I wanna.” 

 

Castiel paused and then asked, his voice so quiet, Dean almost couldn’t make out what he said. “Dean, just come home, and make love to me. Please?” 

 

Slowly, Dean sat up. “I’ll be home in a bit.” 

 

“I love you, Dean.” 

 

He gulped and wished he could say it back. “Bye, Cas.” 

 

Cas hung up and Dean slowly set the phone down. More than anything he wanted to just say it back. 

 

 

xxx

He didn’t want to die. 

 

Dean stared up at the ceiling of his room, counting tiles and cracks. 

 

Sam _still_ wasn’t allowed to see him and the only reason he could think of was because the doctors thought he would die if he even glanced at Sam. 

 

He was not ready to die. He wanted to _live_. He wanted to see Cas again. He wanted to _call_ Cas again. But, mostly, he didn’t want to die alone. If he had to die at all, he wanted it to be with his family, so he could have some comfort along the way. 

 

Dean pressed the call button for the nurse. Utilizing that button for hugs was probably against hospital policy, but he did it anyway. 

 

xxx

_March 2004_

 

“Dean, stop!” 

 

Dean slammed hard on the brakes to stop the Impala right in the middle of the road. “What? Jesus, what?” 

 

Castiel hopped out of the car before he could stop him and rushed over to the side of the road. 

 

“Cas?” Dean groaned and climbed out to realize Cas was standing by a family of ducks, looking afraid to cross the lonely road. “What are you doing?” 

 

“I’m going to help them,” Castiel replied as if that were so obvious. “Can’t let them get run over.” 

 

“Cas, c’mon, let’s _go_. We’re gonna be late-.” 

 

“Shh. Where’s your sandwich?” 

 

“In the car- _Cas_!” Dean sighed as Castiel rushed back and pulled the sandwich out of the bag and began to break apart the bun to start tossing bread onto the road. “You know, bread is bad for them-.” 

 

“I want them to follow me.” Cas took a few steps forward, cooing at the ducks. “C’mon, let’s go, this way. Let’s go.” 

 

Dean glanced back over his shoulder to see if anyone was coming and eventually gave up and went to lean against Baby’s door. Watching Cas herd a group of ducks and their babies was cute, but also he was worried some car would come flying over the hill and hit them all. 

 

“Cas, c’mon, I don’t wanna end up like a pancake on the road.” 

 

“Almost,” Castiel continued to coo at the ducks. “Almost there!” He tossed the last bit of bread in the grass. “You did it!” 

 

Dean smiled slightly when Cas turned a huge, gummy, pink smile on _him._ Cas’ smile could have cured cancer. “C’mon, Cas, let’s go before we get hit by a car.” 

 

“Okay.” Castiel shuffled back to the car, waved good bye to ducks, and then they were on their way again. 

 

Even though sometimes Cas was a little insane, Dean still smiled over him and realized he had found someone he wouldn’t mind being with for the rest of his life.

 

 

xxx

_April 2004_

 

“I don’t think you should be driving,” Castiel giggled as Dean kissed him again. They were pressed up against Baby’s side, making out hungrily. They were both a little drunk, and Cas wasn’t sure who was more trashed. Him or Dean. 

 

Considering Dean was making out with him in public, he supposed it was Dean. 

 

“I don't think you should be talking,” Dean replied with another kiss. “Not when I want you to put your mouth somewhere else.” 

 

Castiel felt his cheeks burn and he giggled again. “ _Dirty_ , Dean,” he whispered. “You want me to blow you _right_ here? In the gross parking lot?” 

 

“Nah,” Dean said. “I want you to give me road head on the way home.” 

 

Castiel gasped and kissed Dean again. “Okay.” 

 

Dean’s smile widened. “I love my little _slut_.” 

 

He shrieked as Dean chased him around to the other side of the car where he was quick to climb in. It was only when Dean was actually behind the wheel and trying to back up, that he realized they were both too drunk to drive. 

 

“Dean,” he said, reaching to stop him. “Dean, you shouldn’t be driving.” 

 

“I’m fine,” Dean said. “C’mon, Cas, blow me-.” 

 

“Dean, _no_.” Castiel began to panic as his drunkenness was quick to turn into sheer fear. “Dean, don’t drive. Don’t drive.” 

 

“Cas, I’m fine. I’m fine. Chill.” 

 

They were going too fast as Dean drove down the mostly empty street. Castiel glanced at the speedometer, but it was too dark to see. Dean was tugging on him to go down, but Cas shoved his hands away, in favor of looking around to make sure there was no one else on the road. How fast was Dean going? It felt too fast. 

 

“Dean, slow down,” he whined. 

 

“Cas, stop being a party pooper,” Dean replied, and the car sped up even more. “We’re _flying_!” 

 

“Dean! Stop!” Castiel felt tears flood his eyes and he was having a hard time focusing. 

 

Dean flew through a stop sign and Castiel screamed. “Baby, _relax_ ,” he said with a smile, staring at him, and not at the road. “We're having a good time.” 

 

“Dean, watch the road-.” Castiel cut off when he saw them drift too far over. He screamed and went to pull the car back into its proper place, but Dean took the steering wheel back. He yanked too hard and the car jerked too far to the left, sending them along the guardrail along the wrong side of the road. 

 

The Impala spun as Dean lost control and Castiel screamed before they finally slammed right into a tree. There was just darkness afterward. 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

_July 2004_

 

South Dakota’s summer sun was burning right into his spine, but Dean didn’t give a damn about the sunburn he was getting by working on rebuilding the Impala in Bobby’s salvage yard. He didn’t give a damn that he was roasting or that he’d taken another baseball bat to Baby’s back window. He didn’t give a damn that he was mostly always between being drunk and wasted. 

 

He just didn’t give a damn about anything. 

 

“Dean!” Sam called as he walked over. “Bobby made lunch. Do you want something to eat?” 

 

“No,” he replied stubbornly as he continued to put a screw in Baby’s door. The door that had struck the tree. Cas’ side. 

 

“Bobby says you have to eat,” Sam said. 

 

“I don’t give a damn what Bobby says, Sam.” 

 

“Please?” Sam whispered. “For me?” 

 

He paused in his work to look up at Sam, who looked sad and lost. Just like he felt. “Fine.” 

 

Sam smiled and offered his hand, but Dean ignored it, in favor of pulling himself up. The walk back to the house felt too long, especially with Sam rushing off ahead of him. A sigh made his feet drag across the ground and Dean tried to banish the dark cloud hanging over his head, but it was always there. As a cruel and evil reminder of how he’d put Cas in the hospital. 

 

In fact, Cas was still there, in a coma. 

 

He’d been so drunk that the police had estimated they’d been driving as fast as the Impala could go down the road that night. He remembered how Cas had screamed at him to slow down, to _stop_ , but he’d just insisted it was fine. Now Cas was in a coma and the Novaks were probably ready to sue him for vehicular homicide or manslaughter or whatever it was that he’d end up being charged with. 

 

Of course, it had been three months and the cops still hadn’t shown up on his doorstep. Dean just hoped someone was taking care of Cas’ cat. He hoped Cas would wake up soon and would be fine. He hoped Cas would forgive him, since he couldn’t. 

 

“Decided to come be human for a while?” Bobby asked as he finally walked into the house. There was tomato rice soup, which made his stomach clench. His mom had used to make that for him as a child. It was like a kick in the shins while he was about to go down. 

 

“I guess,” he replied dully as he walked over to take a seat. 

 

“Boy, you’re as red as a lobster,” Bobby said with a tsk. “Put on some damn sunscreen.” 

 

“I’m fine.” Dean glared at his bowl of soup. It felt wrong having soup in the middle of July, but he spooned it in anyway, even if it burned the roof of his mouth and tongue. He deserved the pain. He deserved a lot of bad things. 

 

“Slow down, ya idjit,” Bobby snapped, hitting the back of his head. “Before you burn your damn tongue out.” 

 

He only slowed down because Sam was looking at him like a lost puppy. Not because he didn’t want to stop hurting. Definitely not for his own good, but Sam’s. 

 

“Have you heard anything about Cas?” Sam asked quietly. 

 

Dean didn’t answer, he just blew on the spoon in front of his mouth. He hadn’t heard anything about Cas, except that he was still in a coma, and the doctors were still hopeful. The swelling in his brain had gone down considerably, which was good, and Dean was glad he was out of the danger zone. He wanted to hope that Cas would be alright, but Dean didn’t have a lot of hope for anything ever. 

 

“Dean?” 

 

Dean cast a dark glare Sam’s way. “You really think the Novaks are gonna keep me fuckin’ updated, Sammy?” he snarled. “Do you _really_ think they’d do that? How stupid can you _be_?” 

 

“Hey,” Bobby said with a warning raised eyebrow. “None of that.” 

 

“Sorry,” Sam said, dropping his eyes down. “Just wanted to know how he was.” 

 

“Call ‘em yourself.” Dean set his spoon down and pushed himself up again. “I’m goin’ back to the car.” 

 

“You didn’t finish your lunch!” Sam called. 

 

“Whatever.” 

 

The door slammed shut on his way out. 

 

xxx

_August 2004_

 

Bright, white light was starting to creep into his vision as his eyes started to open. He blinked a few times and eventually took in surroundings that he didn’t recognize. There was some obnoxious beeping and muffled voices flooded against his ears. He felt someone touch his shoulder and he slowly went to move his head and realized he couldn’t. That made his heart jump and something else started to beep. 

 

“It’s alright,” came a gentle voice near his ear. “It’s alright, calm down. Can you tell me your name?” 

 

“Castiel,” he managed as he finally was able to focus beyond the bright light to see a face. He didn’t know who they were, but there were a few others with him too. “I’m Castiel.” 

 

“ _Good_. Can you tell me where you are?” 

 

He looked around - there were machines, taupe colored walls, and it smelled of antiseptic. “Not home,” he managed to say. “Where’s Noodles?” 

 

“Noodles?” 

 

“My cat…” 

 

“Ah. Castiel, do you remember what happened?” 

 

He frowned, trying to think back. When he glanced over to his left, he gasped as a bright light filled his eyes, and then he did remember. He’d been driving on the road with Dean and they’d been drunk. They’d hit something and spun across the road. Then, they’d hit something else and that was it. Just black. 

 

“I was in an accident,” he whispered. 

 

“Yes. That’s right. My name is Dr. Pond and I’m your attending physician.” 

 

Castiel turned his eyes to focus on Dr. Pond again, taking in her large, green eyes, and soft curled, blonde hair. She was delicate and pretty. “What time is it?” 

 

“It’s 2:42 in the afternoon on August 12,” Dr. Pond replied. “Do you know what year it is?” 

 

“It’s 2004,” he said. “Where is Dean?” His heart stopped at the thought that Dean could be dead or injured. “Where is Dean?! Where is he?!” 

 

“Castiel, it’s alright. It’s alright,” Dr. Pond insisted gently. “Dean Winchester, the man who was driving? He’s fine. He’s alright.” 

 

Castiel felt his heart rate slow back down and he slowly started to relax. Dean was safe; Dean was alive. “I want to see him,” he muttered. “I want to see him now.” 

 

\---

 

He didn’t get to see Dean right away. In fact, he didn’t get to see Dean at all. The only person to visit him was Gabriel, since Michael was apparently too busy to visit him in the hospital. His parents were no better. 

 

But, there was Gabriel, and Gabriel didn’t want him to see Dean either. 

 

“He almost got you _killed_ , Cas,” Gabriel argued as they were preparing for him to be discharged. “You almost died because of him. Mom and Dad were going to have him arrested, but I told them you’d be way too upset and just take the charges back. So we didn’t.” 

 

“We were _both_ drunk,” Castiel insisted angrily. “It wasn’t _just_ him. I’m going to see him and you can’t stop me. I’m twenty-one now, Gabe. I’m an adult.” 

 

Gabriel snorted. “Right, you’re an adult, so you know all of the answers to all of the problems, don’t you Cas?!” He shook his head as if he were disappointed. “He almost gets you killed, but you want to run off to him. He treats you like you’re dirt and yet you want to go back to him?! Cas, you deserve _more_ than Dean Winchester.” 

 

Castiel didn’t say anything, because there was nothing to say. Part of him agreed with Gabriel and that he deserved better than Dean. He deserved someone who would not be ashamed of him or of _them_. But he loved Dean and he believed that Dean would come out soon. Everyone started in the closet, since it was such a shameful thing to be gay in America. 

 

He also believed that that would one day change, too. 

 

People could be gay and the world wouldn’t mind so much. He had hopes that his children and grandchildren would be able to be out and not have to worry about the repercussions. But, for now, Castiel dealt with Dean’s fear and loved him despite of it; even men and women in the closet deserved to be loved. 

 

Especially Dean. 

 

“Cas, _please_ , don’t go back to him,” Gabriel said, reaching over to touch his shoulder. 

 

“Gabriel, I know you think you know what’s good for me, but you don’t.” Castiel pulled out of Gabriel's hand and signed the rest of the paperwork. He was definitely ready to go home. “Who was taking care of Noodles while I was gone?” 

 

“I was,” Gabriel replied. “He’s at my place.” 

 

“I want him back.” Castiel allowed the nurse to help him into a wheelchair. 

 

“Well, it’s not like I’m gonna catnap him!” Gabriel called as they started to wheel out toward the front doors. 

 

“I wouldn't put it past you.” 

 

Castiel didn’t look back at Gabriel on the way out. The only thing he had on his mind was Dean and how he needed to see him as soon as possible. 

 

xxx

_August 2004_

 

Dean was half asleep on the couch, watching a stupid cartoon, when he heard the knock on the door. Bobby was out with Sam, picking out some school clothes, and he’d stayed in. Baby was almost completely fixed, even if he still felt like shit most days. A lot of that probably had to do with how much he’d been drinking. 

 

The knock came again. 

 

Grumbling to himself, Dean stumbled tiredly toward the front door, yanking it open. He was only wearing a pair of boxers and a dirty t-shirt, his hair a mussy mess, and the circles under his eyes were so dark, he looked almost skeletal. But he didn’t care. Whoever was on the other side of the door could suck his-. 

 

“Cas?!” he gasped, completely shocked to see Cas _there_. 

 

“Dean!” Castiel threw his arms around Dean’s neck, planting a huge wet kiss right on his mouth. Dean stumbled back a few steps, almost losing his balance completely. 

 

Their kiss lasted long enough to leave them both breathless and then they were staring at each other. Dean lost himself in Cas’ ocean and he knew Cas was becoming just as lost in the grassy field of his own eyes. 

 

“Cas, you’re _here_ ,” he said, his voice wet with unshed tears. “You’re alive. You’re _okay_.” 

 

He nodded. “Yes-. I would have come sooner, but I had to take it easy for a while. But I’m fine. I got clearance to head out here and… I _had_ to show you that I’m okay.” Castiel held Dean’s face in both of his hands. 

 

Dean grabbed Cas’ wrists. “Cas, I’m _so_ sorry. I’m so, _so_ sorry.” 

 

“I know, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, Dean. You would _never_ mean to hurt me.” 

 

Dean pressed another kiss to Cas’ lips. “No,” he agreed quietly. They wrapped their arms around each other, holding their shaking bodies close together. “I would never.” 

 

xxx

_September 2004_

 

“We should go to Disney,” Castiel commented while Dean was typing away on his laptop. 

 

“What?” Dean laughed. 

 

“I really want to take you to Disney.” He set aside his books. “I’m serious, Dean. I want us to go.” 

 

“ _When_?” Dean looked up. “Cas, summer’s over.”

 

He sighed, wishing Dean would stop raining on his parade. It was true, of course, they were back at school for their senior year, and it was definitely no longer summer. He’d spent most of his summer unconscious in a hospital, did it hurt to want to go somewhere fun? The happiest place on Earth? 

 

He wanted to take Dean there and share some memories together. Especially since they’d been apart for so long. Summer was meant for _them_ , and the world had cruelly parted them for the majority of those months of freedom. 

 

“I don’t know,” he finally said. “What about over winter break?” 

 

“Can’t,” Dean replied with a  helpless shrug. “I’m taking extra classes to boost my GPA over the winter break.” 

 

“Oh.” Well, at least Dean would be around him for Christmas. 

 

“Cas, it’s no big deal, alright?” Dean offered him a smile. “We’ll _get_ there, okay? We will. One day. Just not today.” 

 

Another sigh escaped him as he sank down along the couch. Dean was probably right. One day, they’d go to Disney and have a good time together. It just wasn’t today and he knew it wouldn’t be tomorrow either. Just, one day. 

 

xxx

_October 2004_

 

He’d been drinking a lot more, the closer they drew to the finish line, and the closer Cas seemed to grow to _him_. 

 

Cas had been dropping hints, too. Little things about saving up for a new place, picking out paint chip samples, and maybe adopting a new cat together. There was also something about California and an avocado tree, but he wasn’t sure what that was about. They were all things that Dean wasn’t quite ready to face. Did he think he could be with Cas forever? He’d thought so before the accident, but now he wasn’t so sure. 

 

If he’d already almost killed Cas once, who was to say he wouldn’t fuck it up _again_? All of that responsibility was too much. Not to mention he just wasn’t ready to accept himself - he tried to tell himself that he was gay and be done with it, but it felt wrong on his lips. It felt wrong in his head. It just felt _wrong_. 

 

The rational side knew that was John Winchester speaking, but the irrational and larger part of him thought it was just him saying those things. It was all him and no influence from his father whatsoever. 

 

Breaking up with Cas was not how he wanted to end his college experience, but Dean had a feeling he needed to. Sooner rather than later. 

 

But when Cas sucked him off that night, he just couldn’t, so he pushed it to later instead. 

 

xxx

_December 2004 - Christmas Eve_

 

He wasn’t alone on Christmas, but he might as well have been. 

 

Instead of being at the apartment, Dean was at a fraternity house probably getting wasted. It was all too similar to the year prior when Dean would be out partying. Cas had called and called, trying to convince Dean to come home, but with each call, Dean sounded drunker. He didn’t know what to do, except sit at home and watch Christmas reruns. 

 

There was so much snow on the ground and it was falling fast from the sky - the weather report was saying they’d have six more inches on top of the six they’d already gotten by morning. Dean wouldn’t be able to stumble home by Christmas to open his gifts. 

 

Castiel stood up and walked over to his window to stare out at the black sky and the snow falling. How long would it take for him to become completely buried in the snow? Noodles jumped up into the sill to join him, looking concerned, as if he could read Cas’ thoughts. 

 

“What?” he asked. Noodles just began to purr and rub against his stomach and chest. He relinquished a sigh and ran a hand long the cat’s back. “I won’t go out there, okay? Not even to make snow angels.” 

 

Noodles kept on purring, like a little motor boat. 

 

“We need to put you on a diet,” he commented as he carried Noodles back. The cat meowed his protest, since diet would be taking away _food_ , and Noodles loved food. “Too heavy, even the vet said you’re getting a little fat.” 

 

“Mrow.” 

 

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s watch Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special, okay?” 

 

“ _Mrow_.” 

 

“Okay.” 

 

He settled back into the couch and held onto Noodles tightly. It was close to midnight, meaning it was almost Christmas. Maybe if he called Dean _one_ more time, he’d convince Dean to come home and spend the holiday night with him, and not the whiskey bottle. 

 

The front door burst open as if it had read his thoughts and Castiel startled so bad, he made Noodles jump off the couch and retreat to the window to glare at him. 

 

“Dean?” he called as he stood up. Dean stumbled through a few moments later, completely wasted. He sighed. “Dean-.” 

 

“ _Hey_ , Cas,” Dean greeted with a happy smile as the door shut, and he attempted to walk over, almost knocking into the tree a few times. “Whoa, shit- did that move? I think it moved.” 

 

“Dean, you’re drunk,” Castiel said, his hands on his hips. 

 

“ _What_? Yeah. Yeah. I am.” Dean eventually made it to the couch to sit. “Babe, would you take my shoes off? I can’t get the laces to untie.” He laughed as if that were the funniest thing in the whole world. 

 

Castiel sighed and knelt on the floor to untie Dean’s boots and pull them off. At least, he’d come home. “Dean.” 

 

“ _Yeah_?”

 

“I love you,” he commented lightly, hoping Dean would say at in back in his drunken state. 

 

“I love Christmas,” Dean giggled. 

 

Castiel glanced down at the floor. “Yeah, me too.” 

 

“Let’s make cookies. Cas, let’s do that-.”

 

“Dean, you’re drunk.” Dean was drunk a lot more often than he was sober, and Cas wasn’t sure what had changed to make Dean so addicted to the bottle. It was tiring. 

 

“Oh, right.” Dean sighed and startled to settle down as his energy siphoned right out of his body. “Mmmm tired.” 

 

“You need to throw up,” Castiel replied, even if the thought made him queasy. 

 

“I don’t wanna,” Dean muttered as he went to lie down. 

 

“Dean, I don’t want you throwing up on the couch or choking on it or whatever. C’mon.” He stood up and grabbed Dean’s arm, hauling him toward the bathroom. Dean grumbled the whole way, but eventually, Cas got him positioned over the toilet. 

 

“Cas, I’m fine,” Dean insisted, sounding more sober than he had earlier. 

 

Castiel crossed his arms along his chest. “I’m going to bed, Dean. You should have been here, with me.” 

 

“I wanted to have fun with my friends, is that a crime?” 

 

“No, you wanted to get drunk.” 

 

“ _So_? My life is a giant shit pile most of the time, I think I got a right to drink that shitty feeling away.” 

 

“How? Dean, you’re in college, you’re living your life-.” 

 

“Cas, I’m an idiot. My grades suck, _this_ sucks, my parents are dead, I got no family ‘cept Sammy. It all just sucks!” 

 

He flinched and left the bathroom, not able to take anymore of Dean’s words. Sometimes, he wondered if Dean even heard himself speak. Castiel crawled into bed that night wondering where he’d gone so wrong. 

 

xxx

 

Getting a new job hadn’t been easy, but with Gabriel’s help, he was the new dance teacher at one of the local dance schools; _Broadway Academy_. It was a tough school, with tough teachers, but he’d been deemed talented enough to teach kids to dance. 

 

While it was not his dream job, it was still a job doing something he loved. 

 

His first class of the day was a group of toddlers, which wasn’t exactly ideal for him. More than anything he wanted to teach the advanced classes, but since he was new, he had to work his way up the ladder. 

 

The moms all brought their young girls into his class and as Castiel was warming up, he happened to see a young boy in the corner, looking timid and afraid. He paused in his stretching to slowly walk over and kneel in front of the young boy. 

 

“Hello,” he said with a small smile. “What’s your name?” 

 

“Ben,” the boy muttered. 

 

“Ben? Hello, Ben, I’m Castiel. You can call me Cas or Mr. Novak, okay?” 

 

Ben nodded. “Okay.” 

 

“Do you want to dance, Ben?” He kept his voice gentle and quiet. Ben nodded again, looking ashamed. “Well, _good_. Dancing is a lot of fun.” 

 

“But I’m a boy,” Ben whispered, glancing at all over the girls and their moms. 

 

“So? I’m a boy too,” he whispered back with a large wink. “Boys are allowed to dance, I promise.” 

 

“You sure?” 

 

“I’m _positive_.” 

 

“‘Kay.” 

 

Castiel stood up and offered his hand to Ben, who took it slowly, and then they walked over to the group. He knew what it was like to be the only boy in class, to be made fun for wanting to do ballet over football. But he also knew what it was like to be the most talented and hard working person in class, and how all of his strife had payed off. Even if only for a little while.

 

“Alright, class, are we ready to learn how to dance?” he asked and a chorus of _yes’s_ followed. 

 

xxx

_March 2005_

 

Graduation was soon - _real_ soon - and he hadn’t dumped Cas yet. 

 

The idea of telling Cas they were over was such a huge task in Dean’s mind  - it felt similar to climbing a mountain that was raining snow and avalanches. Not that he knew what that was like. 

 

Cas had gotten into Tisch, the graduate program, and Dean had a feeling he would be asking _him_ to move to New York. Dean did not want to move to New York for various reasons. The only thing he wanted to do was work for Bobby until he found a more stable position as a mechanic, while writing on the side. 

 

He’d started a new book recently - it was the first book he’d ever attempted to write. In the beginning, he’d tried to write the two main characters as a woman and a man, but it was slowly developing into a gay romance novel instead. He hadn’t even told Cas about it, since it was too embarrassing. 

 

Instead of using his full name, he’d decided to make one up. Carver Edlund was his pen name, which was more or less derived from two of his favorite soap opera characters. The name had a nice ring to it, and no one would be able to tie the books he wrote under that name to him. Which was how he wanted it. 

 

Cas was in class and Dean was sitting and writing on the new laptop he’d gotten for Christmas. It was nicer than the ancient one he’d had, and it even had Microsoft Word installed. That made writing papers and stories so much easier. 

 

Dean sighed as he stared at the two characters he had interacting together. One of them was named Michael and the other was Adam - Michael was sort of like him. He’d made Michael a closeted homosexual, who was tough and rough, but also a little far up his own ass. Adam was like Cas, Dean had realized too late. He was sweet, kind, and patient with Michael, even when he deserved to punch Michael right in the nose. 

 

Dean glanced over at Noodles, who was busy cleaning his butt. “Nice,” he said to the cat, who didn’t bother to look at him or stop. Dean sighed heavily. “You know, I’m gonna miss you, but I’m not gonna miss loading up on allergy pills every day.” 

 

Noodles finally looked at him, his green eyes so piercing, they made Dean flinch. Sometimes, Cas was convinced that Noodles understood English, and Dean wondered if that were true. Did he understand that he was ready to break up with Cas? Even if the idea hurt as much as it felt freeing? 

 

When Noodles went back to cleaning himself, Dean relaxed and went back to writing. 

 

Cats didn’t understand English and cats couldn’t tell their owners deadly secrets. 

 

xxx

_April 2005_

 

The ring was _perfect_. 

 

Simple and beautiful, just like Dean. 

 

The woman who had helped him, told her it was sweet that he was buying a ring for his boyfriend. The only thing he hadn’t known was Dean’s ring size, so he’d gandered at a guess. Dean’s fingers weren’t overly thick, but they were thicker than his own. So, he’d used his own ring size as a starting point, and gone from there. 

 

But the ring was perfect. 

 

It was made of titanium with a ring of deep blue jewels throughout the center of the ring. Dean liked the color blue, so he’d _had_ to incorporate it into the ring. Part of him wished Dean would do the asking, but Cas knew better. So, he’d gone ahead and taken it upon himself to buy the ring and do the asking. 

 

He’d already pinpointed an apartment to live in while at Tisch. It wasn’t the _best_ , but it was better than nothing. Now, all he had to do was waiting to ask Dean to marry him, and then they could finally really start their lives together. In a new city - one that was far more progressive and gay friendly - and a new school. Dean could come out and they would be happy together. 

 

Castiel couldn’t stop smiling on the way way back to the apartment. 

 

 

xxx

_May 2005_

 

It was down to the wire. 

 

It had to be today. He had to dump Cas today. 

 

“Dean Winchester.” 

 

Dean gulped as the man called his name and he was walking across the stage to accept his diploma. He was one of the last people to accept his. As his hand wrapped around the rolled up piece of paper, which wasn’t _really_ the diploma, he felt his heart race and a slow smile filled his face. 

 

He’d _graduated_. 

 

He’d finally graduated from college. He wasn’t just some grunt that his father had raised to be a John clone. He was different. Dean turned to face the crowd and felt tears sting his eyes when he saw Bobby and Sam cheering for him. His eyes flew to find Cas, who had a huge smile on his face, he looked so proud. 

 

The smile fell away when he remembered. 

 

He had to dump Cas today. 

 

xxx

_May 2005_

 

Dean had been distant all day, which had felt so _strange_ to him, considering they’d graduated and were ready to move on with the next point in their lives. Dean was going to start sending in manuscripts to be published and he was going to Tisch. 

 

He hadn’t yet asked Dean to move with him to New York, but that would all change soon when Dean arrived for their celebratory dinner. 

 

In fact, he’d arrived early at the chosen restaurant, and was now and again rubbing the pocket with the ring in it. He’d been so damn nervous all day and Dean was late. By almost an entire hour. 

 

“Can I get you something to eat while you wait?” his waitress asked, looking sad and worried for him. 

 

“Uh, no, my friend should be here soon.” Castiel smiled nervously and then _finally_ he spotted Dean at the front. “Oh, there he is.” He practically jumped to his feet and waved to Dean for him to walk over. 

 

When Dean saw him and started to head over, Cas frowned. Something was wrong, he could see it in the way Dean was holding himself. After their waitress took his drink order and walked away, he had to hold back from launching across the table to kiss Dean senseless. 

 

“Can you believe we’ve been together for over two years now?” Cas asked with a huge smile. “It’s so surreal.” 

 

Dean shrugged and drummed his fingers along the table. “Yeah.” 

 

“What’s wrong?” 

 

Dean sighed. “Cas…” 

 

“Here you go, one beer and another iced tea. Ready to order?” Their waitress asked as she suddenly reappeared. 

 

Castiel bristled when their waitress interrupted them. Again. It wasn’t her fault, of course, but it was still awful timing. “Um, not yet, just a moment.” 

 

“Oh, sorry.” She smiled and walked off again. 

 

“Dean, I have something I need to ask you, before I lose my courage to do it. Then you can talk, okay?” Dean nodded and Castiel bit his lip, reaching into his pocket to slowly pull out the ring. He hadn’t put it in a box, because he knew Dean would probably be embarrassed if he did a big proposal in public. 

 

The closet was still Dean’s best friend, but he’d come to accept it. 

 

“What’s that?” Dean asked, looking alarmed. 

 

“Dean, I’m gonna be moving to New York soon, but I don’t want to do it alone,” he said quietly. “I really want you to move with me… but not just as my… friend… I want to move together as fiance’s.” 

 

Dean sucked in a breath and his face drained of all color. “You want to _what_?” he whispered. “ _Cas_ -.” 

 

“Please, Dean? We don’t have to make it a big deal… I just- I love you. I love you _so_ much and I want to marry you.” He smiled and held out the ring. “Please?” 

 

Dean gulped and looked physically uncomfortable. “Cas, I can’t.” 

 

“Why not?” 

 

“Because I just _can’t_ , Cas. I care about you and I-...” He tripped up and Cas could see _love_ about to come out, but Dean stopped himself. Like always. “I can’t marry you, Cas. I’m not gay and I came here to tell you that it’s over.” 

 

Hearing the words were one thing, but Castiel wasn’t sure he was comprehending them correctly. Dean was… breaking up with him? For good? 

 

“It’s over?” he asked, his voice small and afraid. “But, Dean… We were talking about moving to New York together, remember? Staying up? Picking out paint swatches-.” 

 

“Cas, I can’t go with you.” Dean didn’t even look him in the eye, not once. He just stared at the table. “I’m not gay, I’m not. I’m moving back West and I really do hope you find someone who’s good for you, but it’s not me. It’s never gonna be me.” 

 

“Dean, you can’t just _end_ it like this!” he cried, much too loudly. People were starting to stare. “You _love_ me and I love _you_!” 

 

Finally, Dean did look up at him but his eyes weren’t friendly. “Cas, please… Don’t make this a big deal.” 

 

His face began to crumble as his walls did too. He’d put them up, patching his feelings up with cement and paste, every time Dean hurt them. But this time, it was too much. He began to sob and there was no stopping it. Covering his face in his hands, he sobbed, and begged Dean not to go. 

 

He wasn’t ready to go say goodbye. 

 

“Goodbye, Cas,” Dean whispered, his voice wavering slightly. “Have a good life.” 

 

Castiel didn’t look up when he heard Dean stand and walk away. The tears kept coming and he didn’t care who saw or heard him sob his eyes out. Eventually, Castiel stood up and walked out and barely managed to make it to his car, leaving the ring behind. 

 

He didn’t need it anyway. 

 


	7. Chapter 7

The phone call came around three in the morning.  

 

Nothing _good_ ever happened after midnight, in Castiel’s experience. 

 

So, when Sam’s broken voice muttered in his ear at 3 a.m., he knew that he would be flying out to Dean soon after. He caught a red eye, despite not wanting to leave Noodles and Chevy alone, with a frantic message to his neighbor about, once again, caring for his cats while he was away. 

 

The flight left him in anxious knots as he thought back to how Sam’s words. 

 

\---

 

_“He coded,” Sam said, his voice so distraught that Cas felt sick to his stomach immediately. “They don’t know what’s wrong with him, they just know he’s sick. They’re not sure if he’s rejecting the transplant or if he just happened to catch something… But they don’t know if he’s gonna make it, Cas.”_

 

_He didn’t know what to say. His mouth felt dry and there were tears flooding down his face._

 

_“He wants to see you.”_

 

_“Okay,” he managed to whisper. “I’m coming.”_

 

\---

 

Dean had _coded_. Dean could be _dying_. By the time he arrived, Dean could be dead. Gone forever. The thought made him clamp a hand over his mouth to choke back sobs. He didn’t want to wake anyone up, but it was so difficult to not sob. 

 

Dean was strong, he’d always been strong, and a fighter. Cas knew Dean would never just give up. He’d fight tooth and nail the rest of the way until the cancer was gone and he was better. 

 

But the way Sam had been talking… 

 

Castiel shook his head and swallowed the lump forming in his throat. He would not allow himself to think on Dean dying. Not until he saw Dean for himself. Maybe the doctors were worried over nothing and Dean was fine. Maybe they were all just overreacting which was normal in traumatic situations. 

 

Taking a deep breath, Cas shut his eyes and attempted to sleep. 

 

 

xxx

_Late August 2004_

 

“Are you afraid to die?” came the question he hadn’t really been anticipating at five in the morning, but Cas was always one to ask weird shit at weird times. 

 

Dean slowly rolled over to face him, sliding his hand over to touch Cas’ stomach, where he could feel Cas breathing. “I don’t think so,” he replied quietly. “Why?” 

 

“I am,” Castiel said, his eyes fixated on the ceiling. “I’m _so_ afraid of it, Dean. We don’t know what happens and I don’t like not knowing.” 

 

He had a feeling this had to do with Cas’ recent hospital stay. “Cas, you’re home now. You said you were doing alright.” 

 

“I am,” Castiel replied. “I feel okay, I just… I’m _afraid_ of death, Dean.” 

 

Dean bit his lip and took Cas’ hand to kiss his knuckles. “You aren’t gonna die, Cas.” 

 

“I _almost_ did… It was so scary, Dean. Waking up in that hospital and learning that three months had gone by and I’d just been… asleep.” His voice tapered off into a panicked sob. 

 

Dean squeezed Cas’ hand and pulled him flush against his body. “Shh, Baby, I’m here. I’m right here,” he whispered. 

 

“I don’t wanna die, Dean.” 

 

“You aren’t gonna, Baby. You _aren’t_. You’re safe. You’re right here.” 

 

“I don’t want _you_ to die,” Castiel said, looking him in the eye. 

 

Dean pressed a kiss to Cas’ lip. “I’m not going to die, Cas. I’m healthy. You’re healthy. We’re _fine_. Okay? Let’s get some sleep.” 

 

Cas gulped and settled against him, shaking slightly. Dean held on for the rest of the night, wanting Cas to feel safe and cared for more than anything else. 

 

xxx

The security guard had to come down and let him into the hospital since it was after hours. It was mostly dark, with the lights dimmed, the entire way up to Dean’s floor. It took him longer than necessary to find Dean’s room, since navigating the hospital felt like walking into a maze; he was the mouse and Dean was the cheese prize at the end. 

 

He’d been to the hospital before, but when he arrived thinking Dean could be dead, it was like going into a new place. It took all of his courage to not burst into tears before he walked into Dean’s room. 

 

“Dean?” he whispered, staring at Dean lying on the bed, hooked up to machines, looking pale with dark bruises along his eyes. He was thinner than he’d been. In the cruel hospital lighting, his skin looked about as white as the sheets beneath him. 

 

Dean’s glassy eyes slowly started to open and Cas could see him searching, clearly drugged up and tired. “Cas,” he gasped, his hand reaching for him desperately. Castiel took it. “Cas, you’re _here_.” 

 

Castiel smiled a little and nodded. “Yes, Dean,” he muttered. “I’m here.” 

 

“I didn’t know if you’d come, since I told ya to go away.” Dean’s eyes began to fill with tears. “Cas, I’m _sorry_.” 

 

He pulled up a chair so he could sit directly next to Dean. “Shh, shh.” He didn’t want Dean to cry. “I know, Dean. It’s okay. You asked me to go because you were afraid, but it’s okay. I’m here.” 

 

“Cas, I gotta tell you stuff,” Dean said quickly, staring at him with wide eyes, and his hand began to squeeze Cas’ tight. 

 

“Tell me what?” 

 

“I gotta, I gotta tell you that I’m sorry and- and…” Dean gulped and brought Castiel’s hand against his mouth in a kiss. 

 

“Shh, Dean, it’s _okay_.” He began to fight his own battle against the unshed tears. The ones he’d meant to cry ten years ago. “I know, you’re sorry, you don’t have to explain yourself.” 

 

“But, Cas, I, I left you and-.” 

 

“I know,” he whispered, pressing his fingers to Dean’s lips lightly. “And that’s _my_ fault.” The tears made his voice crack a little and he had to glance down. 

 

“No, it’s not-.” 

 

“Yes. It is. Dean Winchester, I love you, _so_ much… and I should have never let you walk away. I should have fought for you.” He took a deep breath and tried to banish the pain away but the tears were bubbling up now. “I wish circumstances were different.” 

 

Dean stared back at him, his eyes so feverish and wild. “Cas,” he said. 

 

“What?” 

 

“Your smile could cure cancer. Did you know that?” 

 

A watery smile filled his face and it was just so damn hard to not break down into a sobbing fit, but he managed to hold back. Just barely. “Well, let’s hope so.” Again, he squeezed Dean’s hand, even if he were beginning to lose the feeling in his fingers, from how hard Dean was squeezing. Like he was Dean’s lifeline and Dean was holding on as hard as he could. 

 

“Cas, I love you.” 

 

A small gasp escaped his mouth as he stared at Dean in wonder. Ten years he’d waited to hear Dean say those exact words. For _ten years_ he’d wanted to hear Dean whisper _I love you’s_ in his hair and skin. He’d wanted Dean to text him stupid emoticons and send him video messages of the exact same phrase. 

 

He’d had dreams about when Dean would finally say it - on their wedding day, in the Impala after they’d had sex, casually over dinner, while watching TV, while kissing and touching one another. 

 

But he’d never imagined it would be when Dean was lying in a hospital bed, dying of leukemia, and they were crying together over the time they’d lost. It was almost cruel to hear Dean say it now, when it felt like the final hour. 

 

“I love you, too, Dean,” was all he could manage in reply, because it was true. 

 

“Remember when we talked about goin’ to Disney?” Dean asked with a dopey smile then, as if they weren’t confessing feelings for one another. 

 

“When?” he asked. Castiel grabbed a tissue to wipe his eyes and face. 

 

“I think it was over summer or somethin’. The summer after we got together. We talked about it and stuff.” 

 

“I’m sure we did. I don’t remember though,” he admitted with an abashed smile. 

 

“Oh.” 

 

“Tell me about it.” 

 

Dean looked away from him to stare off as if he were remembering. “You were telling me about how fun it is and how your family stays in a cool resort. Right in Magic Kingdom, but I told you, if I was gonna stay anywhere, I’d wanna stay in the fuckin’ castle.” 

 

Castiel laughed a little, dabbing his eyes still, as they began to water again. “Yeah, I think I remember now. I told you that it’s really expensive to stay there and you have to book _way_ in advance.” 

 

“ _Yeah_.” Dean turned his feverish eyes on him again. “Cas, let’s book a trip to Disney. Let’s _do_ it, baby.” 

 

“ _Now_?” he laughed with a weak smile. “How about you get better first, okay?” 

 

“But we can book it now in advance and then when I’m better, we can just go.” 

 

Castiel nodded. “Well, I’ll call in the morning and ask, alright?” And he would, too. If Dean wanted to go to Disney together, they would fucking go, even if it cost him an arm and a leg. “I’ll start saving up.” 

 

Dean’s classic boyish smile appeared. “I’d like that, Cas.” 

 

“Me too.” 

 

“We used to talk about all the cool stuff we’d do when we got married,” Dean said then. “I miss those days, Cas.” 

 

God, Dean was determined to make him sob at least once before morning. “Yeah, me too,” he whispered, since he was unable to go above that volume without the threat of crying. “I miss a lot of things about us.” 

 

“Like what?” Dean wondered. 

 

“Like how you’d hold my hand while we watched a movie or how you’d let me help you study for your tests or how you’d come visit me at the studio sometimes when I was so tired I could fall over.” Castiel smiled slightly at the old memories. They were such little moments, but they were what made their life _good_. Before things had gone to hell and back. 

 

“I’m sorry I’m a fuck up,” Dean muttered, his mood suddenly shifting to sad and helpless. He looked so small and lost on his bed. “I’m just sorry.” 

 

Castiel pulled Dean’s hand up to kiss his fingers gently. “No, no, you’re _not_ a fuck up, Dean. You were just afraid. I’m not mad! I’m not! You’re doing so good now. You just told me you loved me, that’s so much better than where we were!” 

 

A ghost of a smile slid over Dean’s face before fading out. “Cas?” 

 

“Yes, Dean?” 

 

“Do you think that when I get better, we could really try again? Be together?” 

 

“Yes, Dean. I do.” He smiled confidently and squeezed Dean’s hand. “I really do.” 

 

Dean nodded sleepily as his eyes started to grow heavy. “Okay, Cas. I trust you.” 

 

As Dean fell asleep, the grip he had on Cas’ hand slowly relented, and he as able to pull away. He didn’t want to let Dean go, but he needed sleep, too. In the morning, he would talk to Dean again and see how he was doing. 

 

xxx

_June 2005_

 

“Cas,” Gabriel called through the door. 

 

He ignored Gabriel because it was easier. It was easier to lay in bed and not move. It was easier to just not be anything at all. 

 

“Cas, please get up?” Gabriel called gently. “Michael’s here. He wants to see you.” 

 

“Go away,” he called back. There was a muffled meow and scratching at the door and he flinched. 

 

“Noodles is worried about you, Cas.”

 

Tears flooded his eyes as he thought on how awful he felt. Ever since Dean had dumped him, the world had seemed dark and empty. He woke up everyday and wanted to die; he went to sleep everyday and wanted to die. Death was on his mind twenty-four seven. 

 

“Cas, _please_.” 

 

He forced himself up and walked to the door. Gabriel was standing with Noodles in his arms, looking worried. Cas choked on nothing and launched himself at his brother. “I’m sorry,” he whimpered. “I’m _sorry_.” 

 

“It’s not your fault,” Gabriel whispered, while Noodles purred as loud as he could. “It’s _not_ your fault. Cas, listen to me, you’re gonna go to Tisch and you’re gonna _rock_. Okay? Fuck, Dean. He was bad for you and now you can finally find someone who will love you.” 

 

He didn’t want someone else. He wanted Dean. 

 

“C’mon, let’s go find something to eat.” Gabriel handed him Noodles. 

 

Castiel hugged Noodles and nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. 

 

 

xxx

“I don’t understand,” Castiel said as the nurse continued to walk him away from Dean’s room. “I was allowed in last night, why can’t I go in _now_?” 

 

“He’s asked us to walk you away,” she replied. “I’m sorry.” 

 

“What? _Wait_ -.” Castiel broke out of her grip and rushed back to Dean’s room. “Dean-.” 

 

Dean startled and looked at him, looking less feverish than he’d had last night. “Cas, go _away_!” 

 

He frowned. “Dean, what’s wrong? Last night, we were talking about Disney and-.” 

 

“Mr. Novak, you have to leave,” the nurse insisted, as she pulled on his arm, but Castiel held firm. 

 

“Dean…” 

 

Dean shook his head, tears starting to run down his face. “Cas, go away. Go _home_. Stay away from me! We can’t be together, Cas. We can’t! Don’t you see?! We’re bad for each other!” 

 

“But-.” 

 

“Go away!” Dean screamed, reaching to throw something at his head, but the nurse was pulling him out of the room, and Cas went this time. 

 

Hot tears filled his eyes and finally, he pulled away, and began to walk toward the elevator head down. Sam was walking down the hall toward Dean’s room, but Cas just continued to stare at the floor. 

 

“Cas?” Sam asked, reaching to take his shoulder. “Where are you going?” 

 

“Home,” he muttered, still staring at the linoleum floor. “Dean told me to go away.” 

 

“What? Why? He was begging to see you the other day!” Sam looked just as confused as he felt. Castiel could only shrug. 

 

“Please don’t call me again, Sam. I just… can’t take it again.”

 

“Cas, I’m sorry,” Sam whispered. 

 

“Goodbye, Sam.” Castiel pushed his shoulders back and walked out of the hospital. 

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

The warm breeze was making for a pleasant evening on the park bench as he continued to write feverishly. Writing Dean a letter was not easy, but he had to get his feelings out. After hearing about Dean’s release from the hospital, Castiel had longed to go to him, but he’d been told not to call. So he hadn’t. 

 

But they both needed closure from ten years ago. Maybe, if they had proper closure, they could start over. 

 

Castiel took a deep breath and slowly began to fold the letter so it would fit inside its envelope. Perhaps snail mail was a silly and old-fashioned way to do things, but he had a feeling Dean would appreciate the effort. Hel pressed the stamp in the corner and was glad Dean was listed in the phone book. 

 

There was a mailbox near the park by the strip mall, one he could walk to, so Castiel stood up and headed off in that direction. He could have driven, but the air was so nice, it felt _right_ to walk. Besides, if he didn’t talk himself out of it between the park and the mailbox, it was the right thing to do. 

 

Glancing across the road both ways, Castiel began to cross the street. A gust of wind made him gasp as the envelope was ripped out of his hands. “No, damn it!” 

 

Chasing an envelope down the street probably made him look stupid, but he didn’t stop. He just kept running, until finally he felt the letter reach his palm, and he grasped on, despite crumpling it in the process. 

 

“Damn it.” 

 

He sighed and turned around in time to hear a horn honking. The letter fluttered out of his hands. 

 

xxx

 

He couldn’t breathe he was laughing so damn hard. It felt good to laugh, to feel _normal_. Part of him wanted to find Cas and thank him for talking him into accepting treatment for his illness. Now, he could still stay up late with Sam and kick everyone’s ass at poker. 

 

It was a great way to spend a June night. 

 

Dean eagerly laid down his winning hand, which made the group groan, but then the phone began to ring. “I got it, you sore losers,” he laughed as he stood up to go and answer it. “Yeah?” 

 

“Is Dean Winchester there?” came a man’s voice. He sounded familiar but not quite. 

 

“This is him. Who’s this?” he asked, frowning. The only reason he even had a landline was so bill collectors and telemarketers would stop blowing up his cell. 

 

The man took a deep breath and he began to speak again, his voice shaky and unsure. “This is Gabriel Novak. Cas’ brother?” 

 

“ _Oh_. Yeah, you sounded familiar. You okay?” 

 

“No,” Gabriel replied quietly. “It’s Cas.” 

 

Dean frowned and looked back at the group, before going to step further into the house. “What’s wrong with him? Is he alright?” 

 

“He’s dead,” Gabriel said, his voice cold and monotone. 

 

“ _What_?” His whole world was slowly starting to fall apart and he had to sit down. Everything felt so slow and cold. “What- no.. He… He couldn’t…” 

 

“Yeah…” Gabriel trailed off and Dean could hear him attempting to stay calm. “The funeral was… a few weeks ago, um, but I just- I figured he’d be pissed at me if I never told you.”

 

“A-A few _weeks_ ago?” Dean stammered, completely blown away. “Why didn’t anyone tell me- I should have _been_ there!” Why did everyone else get to say good bye and he didn’t?

 

“I didn’t want you there,” Gabriel replied coldly. “You weren’t good for him and you hurt him over and over and over and over. You didn’t deserve to be there, Dean.” 

 

Dean flinched and he had to keep himself from crying. “What happened?”

“He was hit by a car… He was crossing the street and some guy came out of nowhere and hit him,” Gabriel said slowly. 

 

Dean felt his teeth clench in his jaw and he was going to start sobbing. A car. A _fucking_ car. Cas had hated cars, hated driving. If that wasn’t a fuck you from God, he didn’t know what was. 

 

 “They found something of his… addressed to you. At the scene- the police gave it to me… It was a letter he’d written you.” 

 

Dean took a shaky breath as the tears started to come and he began to breathe too fast. “Read it to me,” he sobbed. “Please. I know you hate me, but I wanna hear it. Please, Gabriel.”

 

Gabriel took a deep breath. “Dear Dean,” he began. 

 

> _Dear Dean,_
> 
>   _I love you._
> 
>   _There it is. On paper and in my heart. I love you more than anyone or anything. I don’t know if you ever loved me, but my heart says you did, even if my mind doubts it. When I think back to our time in college, I wonder what we ever truly saw in one another. You were the boy stuck in the closet and I was the boy who wanted to scream to the rooftops that I was different._
> 
>   _But I loved you all the same._
> 
>   _When I saw you in the bar and realized this could be my second chance, I think I jumped too quick and too fast, which scared you. See, I think we could have made it work, if we hadn’t been interrupted by life and cancer. I’m overjoyed that you are doing better, even if it hurts to think that you do not want me to call. I know you think you are doing me a favor by having me stay away, but I’m here to tell you that you are_ _wrong_ _._
> 
>   _Dean, I don’t want to stay away from you. In fact, I desperately want to get to know you again. I want to get to know the Dean Winchester who grew up in ten years, because I believe he is ready to accept himself and to accept me. I love the old Dean Winchester, but I’m positive I’d love this new one even more. All I’m asking is another chance, please? We can make it work, we_ _can_ _._
> 
>   _We’re meant to be, you and I._
> 
>   _Love,_
> 
> _Castiel_
> 
>   _P.S. We still haven’t made it to Disney. Let’s make that our new adventure, ok?_

 

 

 

 


End file.
